Lump in My Throat

I've been sitting here staring at the screen. I can't quite find words for what's inside me today. I try to make it a goal to write every day. If a writer doesn't write something every day, I'm not sure how anything would ever get written. So I'm sitting here trying to muster up some words.

I accomplished a lot today. Got some stuff done. That was nice.

I got the kids to school on time,even managed to start a load of laundry before we left and get my trash out, had a productive day at work, got my kids, got to the dancewear store to buy Mackenzie new tap shoes (her old ones were starting to get so small I couldn't bear to let her do another class in them), got her to dance class on time, paid some bills, picked Mackenzie up (new tap shoes were awesome), fixed supper and fed everyone, supervised homework for both kids, bathed both kids, read two stories, folded a load of laundry, swept the kitchen, went through a big pile of papers, and got both kids in bed.

I did good, yes?

Yes. But there's still a strange lump in my throat. It's wierd.

I was walking through Winn Dixie the other day, griping because the store is totally rearranged. I realized how ridiculous it was to complain about something so trivial. Then it dawned on me that change is uncomfortable. Even for me, Miss Bring-it-On-and-I'll-kick-it's-behind. And I gotta tell ya, that if a few flip flopped grocery store aisles throw me for a loop, imagine what it's like having life as I know it put in a proverbial blender and pureed.

The change that's bugging me most today is relational. I know how to do intense, enmeshed, all-up-in-my-space relationships. And I know how to do hammock-on-the-beach-just-me-and-God, everyone-else-stay-far-away aloneness. (Though I must admit I haven't had enough of that type of aloneness to become an authority on it.) But where I am now is just plain wierd. I can't be totally alone, though I'd love to step off the world and disappear. And I can't be too incredibly intimately close with anyone either. Anyone grownup at least. And it's wierd.

On the positive side, I have time to get to know myself, to try and do some things I've never had the chance to try and do. I can become a better me. A me that maybe someday someone will love. (I know lots of people love me. I don't mean that kind of love. I mean LUUUUV. You know.)

On the not so positive side, well... really the only bad part is that the change in my personal life is so profound that it hurts. I guess I feel like I've been dropped off in the middle of nowhere with no map. Kinda lost. Kinda freaked out. I mean, I'm good at emergencies. But now that the emergency is wearing off, the realization of my location is overwhelming.

What to do? I suppose I must take a deep breath, gather my wits, and enjoy the scenery. I'm in no rush to get back to civilization anyway. I guess what'll it hurt if I wander around for a while?

God-held Wonder

"When each earthly brace falls under,
And life seems a restless sea,
Are you then a God-held wonder,
Satisfied and calm and free?"


Read that today in Streams in the Desert. I love the ring of the words "God-held wonder."

My pastor said this morning that he would never get over what Jesus has done for him. I wholeheartedly agree. It is indeed a wonder to be held by God, no matter what is happening in life. Satisfaction, peace, and freedom are mine always, but to have them when the bottom falls out... now that's when God shows off what He can do in the lives of His children.

How excellent that no matter how I feel, no matter how bad it looks... at the core of me I am satisfied and calm and free. It's who I am because of Him. Some days I look at my reality and know that there is no way I should be functioning. And yet I am. No way I should walk on and yet I do. I should be flat on my back and yet I stand. Through every lonely, painful moment I am held by God. Indeed, it is a wonder.

I LOVE IT!

Only in New Orleans

Today we had a blast showing our city to Jill and Deanna. Of course, my proudest moment was stopping at a stoplight where a homeless man stood with a cardboard sign. It read:

"Hungry Hungry Hobos"


Only in New Orleans, baby!! I love this town!

Good Times

I have laughed more in the last 24 hours than I have in a long time.

I had forgotten what good laughter is. Deanna and Jill (my surprise visitors) are reminding me how fun life can be. I had forgotten how much I missed these two girls, and how much hilarious history we have. We almost don't have to say anything and we'll just be cracking up. And we don't have to make anything up. Seems like the wierd, crazy, and random just show up wherever we are. We just take full advantage of it all and laugh our heads off. It doesn't take much. All we need is a banana shake, some praying lettuce, and a good accordion and we can get a party started, right girls?

It's interesting, our relationship started with me as minister. I was their Bible study leader, trying my best to minister to them. Good times. Now, they are definitely ministering to me. More good times.

And for now, I'm gonna let 'em roll!

Why I'm His Favorite

It's been a rough week. I'm talking deep in despair, borderline ready to give up rough. Along with the difficult behavior that 5 year old boys exhibit when adjusting back home from a week's visit with their non-custodial parent, (hmmm... that makes me the custodial parent. Makes sense. The messes are left with me.) plus plenty of drama at work, plus sick kids, plus saying goodbye to my sister, there has been a level of loneliness that is nearly driving me out of my mind.

I've had a husband since I was 18. I know nothing of adult life apart from marriage. At least I didn't until now. And so far it's not that fun. There is a lonely echo in my soul in the place that used to be filled with soothing touches at the end of the day, conversations, a helping hand, a teammate, a person to rely on, a relationship with intimate depth. Now no one holds me at night, or ever.

I'm sad. So sad.

Yesterday, I had nearly reached rope's end, and a friend showed up at work and left me a box with a weeks worth of dinners prepared for me to freeze and use as needed. She didn't know what she did for me. Actually, she didn't know what God did for me through her.

I needed that, and as I carried my box of treasures to the walk-in fridge at work, I told my wondering coworkers, "It's because I'm God's favorite!"

I went on, somehow made it through church and stumbled my way home. Got the kids in bed and fell in bed myself. After a fitful nights sleep, today finally dawned. Sunny everywhere except inside me. We ran late and I had to check the kids in at school. Then Levi had an episode at school and had to be brought to my office. He wasn't in a good mood. I got the kids home and got them fed, then we went over to church where I somehow got through rehearsal. I dragged myself and my kids back home thinking I just can't make it, I can't deal with this. I had felt so alone all day I thought I was going to go nuts.

I didn't even get back into my house before a little car came driving down the road. Inside that little car happened to be two of the dearest sweetest people, who drove all the way from Florida to surprise me for the weekend. They might as well have been Ed McMahon telling me I'd won the million. I still can't believe they are here.

Of course, we soon piled in the car for a trip to Cafe Du Monde, and on the way there Mackenzie piped up from the back seat. "Mom, I think you were right when you said we are God's favorite."

See, I've told her that before. I've told her several times when unexplained wads of cash have been pressed into my hands. I've told her when somebody showed up and mowed our yard. I've told her when God gave me an awesome job.

At every turn, His grace is enough. Sometimes more than enough.

Sometimes, our God has a way of taking a woman who feels rejected and deflected, frumpy and grumpy, and making her feel like the most beautiful treasure. Oh, I know all of you out there have just as much of God's amazing love as I. But for now, I'm dancing in His arms, looking in His eyes, and I just know...

I'm His favorite.

While I Dream

Today was one of those days. You don't even wanna know. But, as of now, my kids are in bed peacefully resting, my workin girl clothes have been exchanged for a comfy old pair of sweats and a t-shirt, our tummies are full and I'm sitting in my rocking chair for a few minutes of peace before I climb into my bed and end this day.

Nothing really profound today. Just happy to still be alive, and glad to have gotten through another day. Can't think about tomorrow. I'm just gonna crawl under my covers and savor the loveliness of letting it all go while I dream.

Psalm 3:5 "I lie down and sleep. I wake again because the Lord sustains me."

Too Much Fun

My KIDS ARE HOME!! YAY! And they brought my sister with 'em!

We've been havin' too much fun! Here's what we did today:








It's been too long since me and my sis had church together. This is us at Riverside this morning. We are havin' an awesome time in case ya can't tell.

Man, I needed this!!

Jis' So Ya Know

Doin' ok today. Still lonely. But I woke up with a thought today... This is IT.

This is the real thing. This is what being a believer is all about. Nothing I say or feel surprises Him. So I woke up lonely. And guess what? I had Someone to discuss the loneliness with, Someone to take it to. It's still there, but Jesus is carrying it... and me.

Isn't that good? Isn't it good that every moment my heart is held by God Himself? Isn't it good that He understands even the stuff that I can't express?

I gotta admit, there's a dread in the pit of my stomach at the idea of facing this day in and day out. Looking at the long term responsibility that falls on my shoulders alone is staggering. BUT... I don't have to deal with the long term all at once. I simply have to breathe this breath. And the next. Just today.

And today, Jesus is enough. He will be enough tomorrow too.

A Low

I like authenticity. It's a pillar of what Woman on the Edge is all about. Therefore, I blog lows along with the highs.

This one's a low.

Woke up cryin' again today. (Hey that sounds like a line in a country song...) Today has been a lonely day. Oh, I've been going nonstop all day and surrounded by people for most of the day. But before I got out of the cocoon created by my sheets and comforter, I felt it. And now that I'm about to return to my bed, it's still there. It's been there all day, screaming at me over the noise of life.

Loneliness.

Not just missing-the-kids kind of loneliness. Worse than that. It's the no-one-grown-up-to-share-my-life-with, he-really-didn't-want-me-anymore, what's-wrong-with-me kind of loneliness. It's being stood up: for life. God, it hurts.

Ever the optimist, I must say it's good to be digging down through another layer of this grief. That means if I keep digging I'll eventually hear the clank as my shovel hits the treasure chest, right? It's good to be processing another phase of this ordeal. It's better than living in misery and doing God knows what to distract myself, and never facing what's really the problem.

I'm told that this kind of loneliness is a constant in the life of a single mom, but that it won't always scream this loud. Lord, I hope it won't.

I suppose readers of this blog might tire of this journey. Hell, I'm sick of it too some days. To many it could seem that this should be easier by now. And in some ways, it is getting easier. I apologize if you are tired of hearing the grief. My hope is that somewhere out there, there may be someone who needs to see or hear or read that there is life in the midst of grief. There is One who gives hope to all who mourn. And so in the interest of letting someone inside my heart to witness the way a Christ follower copes with devastation, I write. Of the good and of the bad, I write.

And today was "the bad."

But I am determined to go on. Me and Jesus, we go on. We look this loneliness in the face and go on. Tomorrow morning brings new mercies. Lord knows I need 'em.

Easter Alone

On Saturday I sent my kids to be with their dad for spring break. Bereft doesn't begin to describe how I felt. My heart slammed into the wall of reality as I faced a week alone. Fortunately, I had a good friend to stand, or drive, beside me the whole way. She let me cry and vent all I needed.

I got home and wandered aimlessly around my empty house. I thought about going to a movie, or going to the store. Anything to get away from the loneliness. But finally, I decided no. I would face this week alone. God and I will face it. He has things to tell me and I will not run. That decided, I settled in with some mint chocolate chip ice cream and had a rather peaceful evening.

Sunday, Easter morning, I woke up crying. Not unusual for me these days. My first thought was of Jesus and His first words to Mary on that very first Easter day. "Why are you crying?" I realized that I wouldn't be the first weeping woman that Jesus encountered on Easter. I also realized that the same eyes that saw Mary that morning long ago see me now. I spent the morning in quiet, getting ready for the busy times ahead during worship services.

As I was headed out my door to walk over to church, I noticed a pretty Easter flag had been placed in my yard. From a distance I could see a bright colored cross on the flag, but as I approached, I saw that the cross was actually a formation of butterflies. And printed over and over on the flag is the verse II Corinthians 5:17, the very reference that is tattooed on my back just underneath a butterfly. "If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. Old things are passed away. Behold, ALL THINGS ARE MADE NEW."

Talk about a love note from God! Hand delivered by a sister from my amazing church family. A perfect start to a new beginning. I had been apprehensive about this Easter alone. It turned out to be the most meaningful Easter I can remember. Music and memories, friendship and fondue, singing and sleeping. All those things were involved in the loveliness of the day. But the best part is, that God took my lonely heart, wrapped it up tight in His love, whispered to it His secrets, and covered it with a blanket of grace. He turned my loneliness into an opportunity to really see Him.

He is risen! He is risen indeed! He is risen IN ME!

Sunday School

Well... we don't call it that anymore. But I sure got SCHOOLED today!!

My awesome Bible study leader, (you totally rock, Kim) reminded me of something amazing today. We were talking over the story of Jesus calming the storm in Luke 8:22-25. Kim was reminding us that we often skip to the application idea that Jesus can calm the "storms of life." We often minimize the actual physical miracle that took place in that moment when Almighty God lifted His hand and ordered a massive storm to stop... and it did. I had my HCSB with me today, and in that translation it says the disciples "were swamped and were in danger." Boy, have I felt that lately!!

But back to the point: they were in REAL PHYSICAL DANGER from the storm. And the REAL Son of God simply spoke and nature obeyed Him as if she were His handmaiden. "Yes, sir. Anything You say, Sir."

THAT, my friends, is the kind of power possessed by the One who is in total control of my life. EVERYTHING that is happening to me is completely subject to Him. Ya'll, I am in the boat with Him, and sometimes I totally feel like screaming the disciples' cry of "MASTER, MASTER, WE ARE GOING TO DIE!!" But ya know what? He is totally capable of calming the proverbial "storm of life" that I am in right now, but even more, He rules over even the physical wind and sea. And somehow...

Somehow that makes it all ok.


Today's happy notes: The music of little voices in my house.

Mackenzie: (singing a Barlowe Girl song) "I may not be a star, but can I still be someonnnnne?"
Levi: (matter of fact-ly) "You could be a farmer."

Grace Giver

OK, Brain chaos is subsiding. Something has occurred to me. I LOVE MY LIFE. And if you have been reading this blog, no I haven't lost my mind. In the middle of all this, pain and grief and yucky stuff, I am so blessed. I get to be a speaker, which I LOVE. I have 2 awesome kids whom I ADORE. I have a good job, great friends (some who even get solidarity tattoos), the most wonderful church family EVER, and to top it all off, I got Jesus. Jesus, who is my ever present Help, my best friend, my deepest love, my everything. I just plain enjoy Him.

Its not that my pain has subsided. It hasn't. But the miracle of God's grace in my life means that even on the dark, sad, terrible days I can still love to live. I can still love my life. Wild, wonderful, sad, heartbreaking, exciting, intense as it is, my life sometimes overwhelms me. But I still love it. Ya'll, that is a TOTAL GOD THING!


I only have one small complaint today. Dog poop. It's no secret I'm not a real animal lover. But I tolerate some animals. I don't own any myself, but some I tolerate mainly because they belong to people I love and so I deal with them in order to spend time with their people. I gotta tell ya, though, the roads in hell are paved with dog poop. It has to be true. That is the stinkiest, most disgusting, most irritating stuff I know of. It caused the loss of a pair of shoes tonight, shoes I really liked. Wonderful shoes, sacrificed on the altar of disgustingness because I couldn't deal with cleaning them off. Oh I tried. But the gag reflex just kept on coming. So I'm left bereft of one pair of shoes and in a quandry. Why, I ask. Why would anyone want to have dog poop as a significant part of his or her life? Or maybe they wouldn't. That could be why said poop ended up in the yard of a person like me who strives for a dog poop-free existence. Mystery of life, I tell ya.

That's all for my rant.

I really do love my life. Perhaps I'm in the eye of a storm. Maybe I'm experiencing a few moments of clarity in the middle of this chaotic week. Perhaps I'm fooling myself. Nevertheless I will enjoy this. The feeling and knowing that in spite of and in the middle of grief, my life is blessed. There is no reason for this, other than GRACE. That is why my whole being belongs to the Grace Giver. That and I'm pretty sure He doesn't own a dog! He's more of a cattle owner, I understand. Has a thousand hills of em I've heard...

Time for bed. G'night!

Tazmanian Devil

Right now my brain is in total chaos. Do you ever have so many ideas, so much information, things to remember, things to do, rolling around in your head that you feel you might go right on off the deep end? THAT'S ME RIGHT NOW!!

I have messages to prepare for two social worker appreciation luncheons I'll be speaking for this week, I'll be leading worship at church this Sunday, so I need to plan that, I'll be playing for a wedding on Saturday, and I'm putting together a big event at work, plus I need to mop my floor, scrub my countertops, pay some bills, and wash my car. So what am I doing about it?? I'm writing a blog, that's what I'm doing!!

Know what I wish I could do? I wish I could move like the Tazmanian Devil could on Looney Tunes when I was a kid. That crazy guy could whirl around everywhere and he moved so fast it made your head spin. Of course, now that I think about it, he couldn't speak coherently could he? Maybe I'm better off with the spunk of Daffy Duck. Then again, Bugs Bunny's eloquence could really come in handy. Gimme some of Wiley Coyote's determination and Smurfette's feminine appeal and I could REALLY go somewhere!!

Ah well... I suppose I'll just settle for plain ol' me. And one thing at a time I'll grab the stuff that is swirling and flying about in my head and nail each thing down somewhere. One thing at a time. So if I don't post for a few days, you know what I'm up to.

That's all, Folks!!! :)

OK, This one, too!

OK, I couldn't resist this one either. This is Mackenzie in conversation with a church friend and neighbor. Also taken at the 54th anniversary celebration. I love this moment. This one makes a Mama proud!

Jis' HADTA

I simply HAD to post this picture. It was taken at our church's 54th anniversary. Only I know the inexplicable comfort that comes from holding my babies. But somehow it was captured for me in this picture. I love it.

Firsts

I colored my hair. All by myself. Well, actually my ten year old daughter did the spots I couldn't reach. It turned out great!! Not bad for my first crack at home hair coloring! The only casualties were a ruined towel and tank top, which are now my "hair color stuff." So now my hair is colored "chocolate cherry" and I really like it! Sort of a funky too red to be brown, to brown to be red, too light to be black, too dark to be brunette color. All in all, a successful first.

I like firsts. There's something to be said for the comfort of the familiar. But now that I'm forced into a world of firsts, I must say I have a growing appreciation for the wonder and surprise of a first time.

I'm racking up quite a list of first times. And though I hope you, reader, never have to experience some of the firsts I've been encountering, I hope you DO get to walk through your own firsts with the wonder of a child, trusting the same God that is sustaining me as I toddle through every one of these shaky first steps.

I'm going to bed now. I'm sleeping on the first bedding set I've ever purchased on no one's opinion but my own. I'll need to rest up for tomorrow, when I'll get in the first car I've ever bought by myself, pop in the first CD I've ever bought FOR myself, turn it up loud and drive to the first job I've ever had in the assisted living business, where I'll put in the hours I need to support myself and my kids alone for the first time. Hey, I'm on a roll! Maybe I'll come home and make cornish game hens for supper. It'd be a first!!

Broken Happy Birthday

Well, I did it. I made it through another milestone. I turned 32 yesterday. It wasn't the happiest birthday I've ever had. Happy birthday seems like a mean joke this year. I've been dreading this birthday. How can one have a happy birthday when a person she loves and a person she thought loved her has walked away?

I'll tell you how.


She learns to redefine happy. She learns that even though life isn't what she had envisioned for herself, it doesn't have to be miserable. In fact, she lets herself open up to new ideas of what happiness is, and enjoy things she somehow missed before. She goes to the zoo with her kids, and lets herself notice how blue their eyes are, how perfect the weather is, and how fun it is to live in New Orleans. She goes to dinner with some of her favorite people in the world, and lets herself appreciate having just who she wants around her on that day. She lets herself laugh and lets herself eat a lovely piece of cheesecake. She finally, on her birthday, lets herself accept that a part of her has died, but a new part must now be born. She gets yellow roses and a heartfelt letter from a friend. She goes to sleep with her babies in her arms, peacefully knowing that the day she dreaded was a happy one after all.

That's how she--- I, had a broken and happy birthday.

Joy

Mommy: "Guess who I love?"
Levi: "ME!"
Mommy: "That's RIGHT! How'd you know that?"
Levi: (With 5 year old boy exasperation) "BECAUSE, you telled it to me a million days!!"




Mommy: (laying on the bed with Mackenzie early in the morning to wake her up) "Hey, Love. Time to wake up."
Mackenzie: "Hey."

We lie there.

Mackenzie: "Mom?"
Mommy: "Yeah?"
Mackenzie: "Just so you know, you have two white hairs right there and right there on your head. Not gray hair, just white."
Mommy: "Thanks, Kenz. Guess that means we get to pick out a new hair color, right?"
Mackenzie giggles like crazy.


Thank God for my kids.

Hope Indeed

Ever feel like your emotions got hooked up to a bungee cord? I do, right now. I'm all over the place!

I had a most fabulous weekend speaking at the state Acteens conference. Brought back some good memories of being an acteen when I was younger, and I met some wonderful girls. I was a little nervous about speaking to teens because I usually deal with grown up ladies. But I forgot how much fun teens can be, how smart they are, and how they have a way of appreciating the real and raw of life. I had a few tears thinking that I was their age when Jesus swept me off my feet, and where would I be right now if He had not? Wow. I'm surviving right now, literally staking my life on something that started at 12 years old when I gave Jesus my life and at 15 when I said yes to His call. And right now I need Him so much. I know I would be suffocating if He weren't here to breathe for me. And it all started back then, when i had no idea what I was getting into. Plus, I met a totally awesome band! Check em out!


Other end of the bungee, my heart is bleeding profusely. The whole "ash heap" thing is intense enough, and some other stuff has come to light that intensifies my pain even more. And I must admit, sparks my anger even hotter. I did let it spew, directed thankfully at the appropriate person. It was a strange thing, letting myself express anger that intensely. It wasn't pretty for one thing. It was a while before I could breathe again once it was over. I suppose that was a combination of the bronchial plague I've been fighting for a few weeks and the intensity of my emotion. I can't say it felt good. It was hellish, actually. But I can say that I feel a shift in my grief. Not sure its a shift away from anger, but maybe it is. The heat is gone, but it's replaced with a sorrow and sadness that catches my breath. It is almost as if I can see more clearly, as if I can finally take in the whole of what has happened to me. I feel like a severely maimed accident victim who has just regained consciousness and looked in the mirror at her injuries. I can see it all now. And I want to scream. Not from anger anymore but because it just hurts so much.

I just can't leave you with those words. So I'll go on to tell you something that is holding me up right now. My sweet friend Alli sent me a book that I love. One of the short chapters was about suffering. It made the point that we can't understand suffering. It always has been and always will be a mystery. But the author rightly pointed out that where there is suffering, there is love. If you look at a nurse who cares for sick children, a counselor who binds emotional wounds, a missionary who sees untold atrocities, or a soldier who holds a refugee child, you see suffering countered by love. I have no idea why I suffer as I do. But I know, thank God, that where my suffering is, there is Love. There is God. And He is love. And He is the One who holds me when I cry, listens to my insides scream, and even heard the seething anger explode from me. He is the Love that is present even right now as I suffer. That is hope indeed.

Survivin'

Right now I feel like one of those guys on one of those survival shows on TV. Just me and my ingenuity against the elements. I'm having to get creative in order to make it from one day to the next. Forget luxuries like caught-up laundry, cleaned-off countertops, or home-packed lunches. We are down to the bare basics. Enough clean clothes for today and tomorrow, enough lunch money for school lunches, and enough... just enough... energy to make it through until bedtime.

So even though Martha Stewart LIVE isn't coming to do a documentary on my homemaking skills, and Parenting Magazine isn't tracking me for Mom of the Year, I'm surviving. I kissed my babies goodnight, soaking in their sweet smiles, and I'm off to bed myself. Gotta rest up for another day in the jungle that is single parenthood!!

Having it all together seems like a faraway dream right now. I am SO not together. But I'm alive. And my children are alive and well. And I'm grateful for that. We are going to make it. We ARE making it. Thank God, we are survivin'!

The Ash Heap

So I went to counseling today. I've been trying hard to process my grief, but it's kind of difficult when I must put my feelings away for about 23 and 1/2 of every 24 hours so that I can hold down a job and be a mommy. I've had some really angry stuff that I've been needing to write out and process, but I haven't had the time or frankly the courage to do so.

But today my counselor taught me something profound. Processing the anger and pain are just part of grieving. My homework is to spend some time just taking stock of what I'm feeling. Just to feel it. Not solve it. Just feel it.

Just "sit in the ash heap" so to speak and survey the damage. And though I'm scared out of my wits to try to look at the gory scene that is on the inside of me, I'm also feeling a strange peace at the idea of having permission to simply feel what I'm feeling. I don't have to be brave, or try to explain it, rationalize it, or justify it. I can simply let myself feel it.

And though I know the ash heap is a place I'll go all by myself, I had to wonder if anyone else struggles as I do with allowing yourself to just feel what you feel and let it be what it is. I have such a tendency to try to force it to be ok. But its not ok, not at all. And right now, it's nice to know I don't have to pretend it is.

Happy Mardi Gras!

And here you have my sweet babies and some of their parade loot! We've also collected a total of 4 babies from various king cakes. A Mardi Gras ball has been attended (see below) and drunken foolishness has been observed along parade routes. We've taken in a total of 3 parades, but tomorrow, Fat Tuesday, will be spent peacefully at home.





And here I am celebrating with one of the residents at the assisted living home where I work. Mr. John and I were partying at the Mardi Gras ball. We are having just as much fun as we appear to be having! Guess it takes oh, 70 or 80 Mardi Gras celebrations to get it all down pat, since our residents sure know how to do it right!

It's interesting to think that for most of my life, January and February meant nothing much. I mean, most of Florida where I grew up is business as usual right now, and here I am in the middle of a major holiday. It's what I love about this city. You can always find a party going on.

So if you don't happen to be in the middle of it, I'll let a good time or two roll for you. Party on.

I guess we'll see...

Tonight I went out. Alone.

I saw a movie all by myself. It was strangely enjoyable. Wistfully pleasant.

It's not easy to parent solo, and I really didn't like who I was today. I don't want my pain to be dumped on my babies. Some days I feel like a total failure as a mother. So while they were with friends, I decided to have some sanity time. So I went to a movie, I even splurged on movie food and a grown-up treat.

It was a little weird. I've never done that before. Isn't that strange? Never in my life have I gone to a movie alone just because I wanted to go. Felt kind of overindulgent, maybe a little awkward.

There isn't really a how-to for picking up the pieces of yourself, but as I'm doing just that, I'm seeing pieces I didn't know were there. On the one hand, it's kind of fun to get to explore the jigsaw puzzle that is me. And on the other hand, I feel shattered into so many pieces... it's definitely not something that can be done in one sitting. I have to work at it when I have the strength, and then stop for a while. I'll come back to it later.

It's interesting to be alone for the first time at 31. I've never been alone. I shared a room with my sister and then went directly into marriage at 18. I've lived my entire life in close proximity to other people. I'm the type of person who likes people around. It's funny, though, what grief will do to you. When you grieve, isolation threatens to suck you into its black hole. It feels good to be alone. I don't have to face anyone or answer to anyone or let anyone see how not-ok I am. And some moments... like tonight... I could imagine spending long periods of time alone, never facing another individual, and be totally ok with that.

I've never HAD time alone, so I guess now that I am alone, I'm not quite sure what to do with that. At times like tonight I have an overwhelming desire to close the door to my room and never come out. And at times, the knowledge that I am alone brings such pain I can hardly stand the thought of it. I'm just not sure how much isolation is enough. How much is right for me? I suppose that's one thing I'll have to explore, until I find just the right combination of companionship and solitude. A combination that gives me enough alone time to remember who I am, and enough connection to live out who I am.

For a person who has never indulged before, I guess we'll see how I handle my solitude. :)

One more...

Oooo, I had one more thing to add to my list of happy things:

KICKING OFF YOUR HIGH HEELS AND PULLING ON JEANS AFTER WORK. Is there anything better than a pair of jeans after you've spent the day dressing the part of sophisticated businesswoman? I think, not.

A good pair of jeans is like the solace of a friend, it knows the secrets you are hiding, and yet still manages to make you feel ok about the size of your butt.


OH I ALMOST FORGOT!! A STROKE OF GENIUS HAPPENED IN LIVECHAT TONIGHT. We were discussing unconditional love. We were talking about why so many of us strive for perfection in attempt to be worthy of love or to earn love. Then the question came up... If perfection doesn't exist, and can't be attained by a human, then isn't the very idea of striving for perfection imperfect in and of itself? Hmmmmm.... Did you feel the ground breaking?

How To Cure What Ails Ya

Sorrow has a way of teaching us things. Right now I'm learning a lot in the school of sorrow. One thing I'm learning is that deep grief can enhance one's enjoyment of life's little blessings. And so, I'm about to publish a list of said blessings that go a surprisingly long way in making a sorrowing person smile... even if for just a moment.


How To Cure What Ails Ya:

Go to a Mardi Gras parade. With a five year old boy.
Paint your nails. With a ten year old girl.
Buy a car... all by yourself.
Make your bed.
Make sweet tea.
Hold an old man's hand.
Call your mom.
Shave your legs.
Drink hot chocolate.
Get reacquainted with your rocking chair.
Wear eyeliner.
Let an old lady pinch your cheeks.
Call your sister.
Wax your eyebrows. (Technically, have them waxed. This isn't something one should attempt to do to herself.)
Wear matching underwear. (Double points if there are rhinestones anywhere on them)
Look at hydrangeas.
Smell coffee brewing.
Eat brownies.
Look at your kids in their beautiful eyes.
Get some Zapps Cajun Dill Gator Taters potato chips, and eat them with respect.
Sleep with your Bible.
Sing loud in your car. The song "Neon Moon" works great. So does Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire." You will have to laugh at yourself.
Light a candle.
Make your brain do something smart.
Let your brain do nothing at all. Just for a while.


And so, friends, there you have just a few ways to cure what ails ya. I'm tellin ya, these work. Oh, it won't take away your problems, but this list will help you keep your joy alive when pain threatens to consume you entirely. This is hard-won knowledge I'm dispensing here... you might want to print this list and keep it in your pocket just in case you ever have the need.

The Real Deal

In case anyone ever thought that the life of an author is in some way different or more glamorous, let me set the record straight.

Today, I did a radio interview to promote my book! Sounds wonderful and glamorous and important, right? Right.

Wonder if the people listening could tell that I'd been up most of last night with two sick kids. Wonder if something in my voice gave away the fact that I had gotten up this morning, left my kids with a sitter (thank God for you, Mary Beth!) and went to work, called the doctor's office as soon as it opened and wouldn't ya know, the appointment opening they had was a mere 45 minutes prior to the LIVE radio interview I had scheduled for today? Could they hear that I'd squeaked by with an extra half hour break, made a run for it to the doc with my kids, rushed through the appointment, and then placed my kids back in my sitter's capable hands just in time for the interview to start? Did it pass over the airwaves that I was talking to the listening audience from the front seat of my Dad's truck, parked in front of a pediatrician's office and behind a McDonald's?

I bet it didn't. I bet no one who heard me pictured me interviewing from the driver's seat of a pickup. Maybe they pictured me in some sleek office or even in a studio of some kind. Maybe they pictured me beautiful and confident and totally together. Certainly, none of them imagined that as soon as the show was over, I hot footed it back to work and got on with my very ordinary day as if nothing had ever happened.

Fooled them, huh? But not you, reader. You know. You know that the life of any of God's girls who get out on the edge and do what He wants them to do is a no-holds-barred kind of crazy. You know that I'm taking each day and trusting God for my very life and hoping desperately He can somehow use me. You know that before that interview I breathed a prayer for help, because I was completely desperate for God's help at that moment.

Now you know the real deal!! I'm just out here on my edge, tryin' to do what's in God's heart for me. Ain't nothin special about me... only about HIM. THAT is, indeed, the realest deal there is.

OH! And today's bliss: Mackenzie lost another tooth, WHILE SHE WAS WITH THE SITTER, thankya Jesus!! Those of you who regularly read this blog know that I'd rather give birth than pull out a tooth. I literally cannot deal with it. And whadya know, but God takes care of ALL the details, even loose teeth!!

Wonder Woman Day

I still love Monday. It's still my favorite day of the week. What did I do today, you ask? I'll tell you.

I read today's reading in the One Year Bible.
I got two kids up and ready and to school on time.
I also got myself up and ready, complete with sophisticated businesswoman costume.
Then I came back home, turned around, went back to school and delivered the lunch and notebook they forgot.
I went to work and did my job. Well.
I wrote thank you notes and made some necessary but difficult phone calls on my lunch break.
I went to counseling and did some working and learning.
On the way home, I returned phone calls.
I went to supper with my friend who took care of my kids during counseling.
I came home and bathed two kids, signed all their permission slips and report cards, and helped with last bits of homework.
I put said kids to bed and did all the running involved in that process such as water, medicine, night lights, blanket adjustment, you get my drift.
I packed tomorrows lunches
I took out the garbage.
I unloaded the dishwasher.
I did a load of laundry, all the way from hamper to drawer.
I returned a BUNCH of emails.
I confirmed a speaking engagement.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror and counter top.
I remembered to use my MaryKay Timewise face wash.
I remembered to get my mail.
I remembered to mail off a rebate.
I located a missing charger for a cell phone.
I made a grocery list.
I looked my daughter in the eye.
I held my son for a while.
I wrote the blog you are reading now.

I did it. I functioned today.

Now hopefully my golden belt and my red cape and my starry underwear-looking things and my white boots will be sent to me. It's standard issue for a Wonder Woman, right? And Mondays make me feel like Wonder Woman. I love Monday.

Ugly...and beautiful

Last night I had a good cry. Not my first in this whole ordeal, but certainly the best one so far. My eyes are still showing the effects.

I was at Celebrate Recovery, a totally awesome place for such processing to be done. My kids are cared for, I'm surrounded by people who don't care about the snot or the sobs, and I can just grieve. Celebrate Recovery is kinda like church, only without pretending. People at regular churches have problems, but they put on their Sunday best, and pretend that they don't struggle or have faults. The people at Celebrate Recovery are over that.

And so I cried. For a few hours, I didn't have to be brave or make myself hold up. I just cried. It was ugly... and beautiful.

My counselor gave me a book called The Healing Path. There is a profound statement in the first chapter I love. "Suffering changes the human heart--sometimes for good and often for ill. We are faced with the challenge of learning how to wrestle with sorrow so it can bring about the greatest good. If we want to become more like God wants us to be, we must consider what it means to live well in a fallen world rather than scramble to escape the veil of sorrow."

I will learn to live well in this fallen world. I'm not going to run from this or choose cynicism, or anger, or false bravado. I won't skip over the hard parts. I will walk the healing path, even if it means a steep climb here and there, or a good hard cry every now and then. Me and God, we are walking this together. He is squeezing my heart with His very own hand to produce the next beat and I am learning to trust Him even more. Living well in a fallen world. It's ugly... and beautiful.

Lest my whole blog be overtaken with a shroud of blackness, today I write about nothing much. No delving into the depths of my heart this day. How about I share with you some things I've enjoyed lately:

I like to work. I've always liked to work. Granted, my heart's dream is to be speaking and writing full-time, but right now I must work at a secular job. The one God has provided for me (Marketing Director for an assisted living facility) is worthwhile, enjoyable, challenging and meaningful. I like the tap of big-girl shoes on the floor, I like being a professional woman. I like engaging my brain and interacting with people. I completely enjoyed the days when all my clothes had breast milk all over them and I had a baby attached to me or near me somewhere at all times. And I also enjoy stepping into the work world, which is where God has me now.

I like chocolate. In most any way, shape or form, except tootsie rolls. Tootsie rolls are a poor excuse for chocolate flavor and a complete waste of time in my opinion. This evening I'm enjoying it in its Chunky Chips Ahoy form.

I like cherry pie. I just do. It's my favorite pie and I like it. Simple, sweet, yet bold and bright. Cherry pie is good.

I like Psalm chapter 71 and Isaiah chapter 40. I'm also fond of Philippians 4, Galatians 6, Ephesians... well ALL of Ephesians, Ecclesiastes 3, Romans 8, BOTH of the Corinthians, Isaiah 6, especially the first 8 verses, Psalm 100, oh and 23. I also chose to have 2 Corinthians 5:17 tatooed on me, though I think all of the above scriptures are tatoo worthy. Were I to get started, I could easily cover my whole self with His words. Oh yeah! Psalm 46 too.

I like my laptop. She works for me.

I like my phone/pda thing. She works for me too.

I like pedicures. Might have to avail myself of one in the very near future.

I like peaceful, restful sleep, which is what I'm hoping to have in the next few moments.

OH! And I also REALLY like people who read this blog! That'd be YOU. (cheesy smile)

Living

Today is a swirl of emotion. The good and the bad have train-wrecked into a big pile of joy and sorrow. Today is my 13th wedding anniversary. Except how do you celebrate an anniversary when a marriage is ending? That wound hurts so much today.

But guess what else today is? Today is one year to the day that I survived pulmonary embolisms!! I wondered last year why God asked me to spend my anniversary in the emergency room, and now I'm so glad He did. He gave me something to celebrate this year on what He knew would be a sad day.

So on an anniversary that is reminding me that life is hard and often full of pain, another anniversary occurs that reminds me that for some reason, last year, God WANTED me to live. He made sure I survived something that kills most people who encounter it. He wanted me to keep on going, keep on living.

And I will. In the hope of the life He bought for me, I will live. In spite of how I hurt today, I will live.

I WILL LIVE.

What I Love About Sunday

Sunday has always held significance in my life. In my family when I was growing up, unless you were seriously ill, church attendance was mandatory. And in my adult life, all I've ever been is a ministry wife, so again with the mandatory church attendance. There are traditions and precious things about Sunday that are pivotal parts of my life.

All that is changing now. Sitting in the pew alone is a new experience. It's hard to feel right, since I don't really know what I am. I mean, I'm not a staff wife anymore, but I don't feel like a regular church member either. Where do I fit now? I'm not exactly sure, but I do know that in the piece of God's family that is Riverside Church, I fit. I fit before, and somehow I still do. This says amazing things about the Christ following that is happening at this church. Most others would have rid themselves of me, and yet my Riverside fam is holding me still.

Today I cried through church. That isn't unusual, since interaction with God often causes my eyes to leak, but today I cried out of pain, sorrow and loneliness. We sang a song about bringing an offering of worship to God. And I brought mine, broken and pitiful as it is, I brought it. I sat there telling God that I am all His. I told Him that whatever He is doing with my life, I will follow. That's all the offering I have now. So I suppose some of my tears were ones of joy too, knowing that my God and my brothers and sisters didn't care that all I brought today was pain.

So I guess more than all the traditions and hugging and kissing (it's a New Orleans thing, the kissing) and smiling and connecting, and all the stuff I love about Sunday, what I love most of all is that moment of deeply intimate connection with God that is somehow made meaningful because it happens alongside the rest of the family, whether they are aware of it or not. It's a mystery. I can't quite give it words, but that something about Sunday is still there. I sure am glad it is.

Bittersweet

I started a new job today. This job is a blessing. The pay is good, the hours are perfect, the environment is friendly, and it's not a hard job. This job is a blessing. It really is. Are you convinced yet? I'm trying to be.

See, this job for me is one more unwelcome change in a few weeks that have been full of unwelcome changes. It represents a new reality that I must live with. Single moms have to work. They have to do more than my fledgling speaking and writing income is able to provide. I guess today, my first day at work, made me feel more officially alone. It was one more step out of shock and into reality.

It's not that God has even asked me to set Woman on the Edge aside. I'll still be keeping my speaking engagements, and writing, and accepting more as they are provided. God has provided a job that allows that. It also allows me to keep my children as close as possible to their normal daily schedule. It was one more gift of love from my Father whose provision has sustained me thus far and will continue to sustain me.

So today was bittersweet. Sweet in the peace that God is taking good care of me and my children, and sorrowfully bitter in that I desperately wish not to be in need of this provision... and today is tangible proof that I am in need of it whether I want to be or not.

I am grateful. For a God who will never reject me. Great is His faithfulness. For a job that I can do while I still keep my heart's passion alive. For two amazing kids. For freezing weather... in New Orleans of all places. And for the hilarious writing that I'm certain will come out of this church girl's first encounter in a long time with the day to day business world. I'm on an unplanned adventure, but an adventure, no less.

(Deep breath.) A blessing indeed.

Soaring

Isaiah 40:28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

As I enter 2008, leaving behind a year that ended in sadness, I'm reminded by this passage of something I think God is really teaching me right now. HE IS IN CONTROL, and furthermore, I AM NOT. All my trying and struggling and working didn't stop grief and loss from entering my life. All my hard work and all the brainpower in my head isn't enough to accomplish everything I feel the need to accomplish.

The end of 2007 and the beginning of 08 find me weary indeed. Weary, and bewildered, with questions and fears and frustrations and loneliness.

The opening words of this passage spoke right to me. You see, I DO know, and I HAVE heard about God's unfathomable understanding, and His amazing power and His unending love. I know very well that He is the source of strength, and that hoping in Him will enable me to soar, to run, and to walk without weariness taking over. Isn't it interesting how we can know something so incredible and yet forget to walk in it? Isn't it strange, this tendency to settle for weary when wonderful is right in front of me. See, in the fog of sorrow I've been trying to medicate my hurt. I guess everyone does that. TV going way too late because I can't sleep, keeping my pj's on all day because I can't bring myself to get out of bed, cleaning house so that at least one thing in my life is under control. When I read these words in Isaiah, they immediately fell over my heart as the soothing medicine I really needed. The Everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of Heaven and Earth doesn't get tired. His understanding is unsearchable. And girls like me who dare to put their hope in Him can let it all go, and leave it up to Him.

It's time to soar, my friends. What do I have to lose? Here goes!!

Happy 2008 to you and yours!!

A Light Has Dawned

Isaiah 9:2 The people walking in darkness
have seen a great light;
on those living in the land of the shadow of death [a]
a light has dawned.

3 You have enlarged the nation
and increased their joy;
they rejoice before you
as people rejoice at the harvest,
as men rejoice
when dividing the plunder.

4 For as in the day of Midian's defeat,
you have shattered
the yoke that burdens them,
the bar across their shoulders,
the rod of their oppressor.

5 Every warrior's boot used in battle
and every garment rolled in blood
will be destined for burning,
will be fuel for the fire.

6 For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
Wonderful Counselor, [b] Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

7 Of the increase of his government and peace
there will be no end.
He will reign on David's throne
and over his kingdom,
establishing and upholding it
with justice and righteousness
from that time on and forever.
The zeal of the LORD Almighty
will accomplish this.


MERRY CHRISTMAS!! The Dawn from On High is here! The yokes of bondage are shattered, the bloody battle clothes can be thrown away. FOR UNTO US A CHILD IS BORN!! He is the Hope of All Ages, the Captive's Deliverer, and the Great Healer. He is indeed my Wonderful Counselor, my Mighty God, my Everlasting Father, and my Beloved Prince of Peace.

I've lamented over the last few days that such grief came into my life at Christmastime. No more. In the midst of this grief, I will celebrate the fact that the One who will overcome my every hurt was born for me. The Light that shines in my dark times has come. His birth set in motion the ultimate victory for us all.

Peace and joy to you and yours this Christmas! I'll "see" you when the celebration is over.

There's this thing...

There's this thing about blogging... It's just so... well, public. I've debated with myself about how much information to put on this blog about what I am currently experiencing. Part of me argues that my pain is not for public scrutiny. The other part maintains that pain is a part of life, and Woman on the Edge isn't about to back away from life, even the pain. I'm still not sure which part won. (That's the thing about debates... you're never really sure of the winner.)

But for now, I'll say this: I am experiencing and grieving a great loss in my life. For the protection of everyone involved, the specifics of that loss will most likely not be discussed on this blog. What WILL be discussed is the part that matters: Woman on the Edge is indeed on the edge, and GOD IS TAKING CARE OF HER. Wonderful, amazing, vivid, incredible life on the edge with God is worth it. Even in times of pain. I'm starting to realize another dimension of God's massive love, and I invite you to explore it with me.

My counselor sent me an email saying, “God’s arms are around you. He loves you.” I replied to her, “I know He loves me… I’m starting to think I’m His favorite!”

It’s true. God is overwhelming me with love and comfort through Riverside Church, through His provision, through His presence. Today I stood in my kitchen making Christmas cookies. I just stood there doing a normal activity as if my heart wasn’t broken in a million pieces. I stood in a contented peace that I simply can’t explain. It’s that peace that passes all understanding. How can God be so good to me?

I don’t understand where the ability to get up in the morning comes from, but its there. I don’t understand where the ability to make the hardest decisions of my life is coming from but its there. I only understand that I’m God’s girl. I’ve put my little hand in His great big one, and we walk on.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God that transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4)

Thank God for His peace standing guard over my injured heart. He will hover over yours, too, in your times of pain. My Prince of Peace rules and reigns in peace, and will give it in generous amounts to those who trust in Him. If you don't believe it, keep reading. I'll be doing my best to let you see it happen in me.

Favorite Things Continued

OK, so I still need it, so here are some more:

My ALABAMA CD collection
Josh Turner's voice
Dark chocolate
Friends who let me cry
Paula Deen's Home Cooking on Food Network
My ear piercings. I'm actually considering another one.
Christmas movies
Christmas cookies
The way God takes care of me
Absolute Truth
Did I say dark chocolate?
Christy's tattoo
Sweet tea
Psalm 71
Willie Nelson singing "Pretty Paper"
Peace


OH! And the white dress with the blue satin sash thing... especially on my little girl.

Raindrops on Roses

In the spirit of Christmas, as Julie Andrews' voice rings in my head "When the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I'm feeeeeeeeling sad, I simply remember my favorite things, and then I don't feeeeeeeeel SOOOOooooo Baaaaaad!"

Here are some of my favorite things right now:

A FABULOUS girl named Mackenzie
An AMAZING boy named Levi
Riverside Church
Movies with a friend
Friends who love me so much they cry when I hurt
Peanut butter fudge
My worn out copy of Streams in the Desert
My worn out NIV
A good manicure
My tattoo
Mudslides
Starbucks Dark Chocolate Peppermint Frappucino
Oranges from my Daddy's grove
Orange juice from those oranges
My girl in ballet shoes
Drivin' my Daddy's truck! It smells like him, and is all marked up by him inside. The arm rest has an indention where his arm fits. Driving it makes me remember who I am... who I'm proud to be.
Christmas red nail polish (only in December)
Long, hot showers
Good fiction novels
Phone calls from my sister
My little girl's laugh
Apple Cinnamon Febreze
My boy on his bike goin' full speed ahead
Did I say peanut butter fudge?
LIVEChat
Friendships. Deep, meaningful ones.
HOPE.


OH! And I'm with Julie on the brown paper packages tied up with strings, too. Bright copper kettles aren't so bad either.

Hurt

It's been a hard day. You know when something terrible happens, and the shock starts to wear off, and the pain sets in? That's the day I've had. Never without hope, and never alone, but today I hurt.

God Himself

I'm at a point in my life when the "rubber meets the road" as far as my faith goes. I am going through something I completely do not understand. It is at this point that I must make a decision. I must choose to trust God and rest, or I can choose to struggle and fight and worry and wear myself out. This kind of heart shattering pain has a way of exposing the depths of a person's soul. And as I peer into the depths of mine, past all the confusion and hurt and rejection and grief, I still have One thing: my God.

Friends, don't think of this as bravado. Oh, I'm hurting alright. I'm angry and confused and broken and sad. All that stuff is there; I am human after all. But here is where I must either believe and embrace Jesus, or I must abandon Him. If He is enough, then He is enough. If He is not enough, then I'm wasting my time.

This morning, I read the words of Paul in Galatians 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me." THAT's why I grieve as one who has hope. THAT's why I'm still standing. Because I have been crucified with Christ. HIS life exchanged for mine. So the life I'm now living, HE is living for me. And so the One who was despised and rejected, a Man of Sorrows, well acquainted with grief, is handling my grief for me. It's nothing new to Him, and it's nothing He can't overcome in me.

Man, it's great to have something Unshakeable right now. Christ following is more than the right decision. It's more than even redemption and grace. It's a sold out, total life commitment that is irreversible, costly, and SO WORTH IT. I'm not a half-way kind of girl, but I certainly couldn't have Jesus half way. Right now, I may be walking through the valley of the shadow of death with Him, but that's where He's taking me. And if I'm going with Him, then I'm going everywhere, not just the pretty places. I can't describe to you how good it feels to have Him, my One Never-Changing, No Matter What, Sure Thing.

This poem in today's Streams in the Desert is perfect:

My goal is God Himself, not joy, nor peace,
Nor even blessing, but Himself, my God;
It's His to lead me there, not mine, but His-
At any cost, dear Lord, by any road!

So faith bounds forward to its goal in God,
And love can trust her Lord to lead her there;
Upheld by Him, my soul is following hard
Til the Lord has fulfilled my deepest prayer.

No matter if the way is sometimes dark,
No matter though the cost is often great,
He knows the way for me to reach the mark,
The road the leads to Him is sure and straight.

One thing is sure, I cannot tell Him no
One thing I do, I press towards my Lord;
Giving God my glory here, as I go,
Knowing in heaven waits my Great Reward.

All Things

Yep, that's me. And yes, it's real!!! Underneath the butterfly is the scripture reference 2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if any man be in Christ, he is a new creation. Old things are passed away. Behold, all things are made new."

ALL THINGS are made new. It's a truth I've built my foundation on, and one I'm trusting with my very life at this moment. ALL things. God did that for me. That's why I need Him so much.

PLUS, I even had one heck of a friend to go on this adventure with. Check out her rendition here.

Back to the Drawing Board

OK, so the state Baptist Convention wasn't exactly the place to "take my time." Though I did enjoy a delicious chocolate cake-ey dessert thing, and an even more delicious novel, I also came back with a load of stuff to sort out, in my suitcase and in my brain.

Note to self: Baptist Convention, while fun in its own wierd way, not the place for a 30 something female to expect emotional relaxation.

I have a sneaky suspicion, though, that the retreat I'm doing this weekend might be. My sister's flying in and I am resolved to somehow de-frag my mind and heart in the course of this weekend. Wish me luck!

Takin' my Time

I'm getting tired. How do I know, you ask? Well... for one thing, (see me look down at the ground sheepishly) I had road rage yesterday morning.

I was in the car line at the kids' school and Mackenzie was getting out of the van. My Mackenzie is the most peaceful, wonderful person in the whole wide world. She's not the type of girl that hurries. Evidently, a parent behind me thought she was taking to long, and HONKED. Mama Bear didn't like that! Instantly I was at a boil. I often resist the urge to be impatient in the morning car line, remembering that it is early morning and none of these children are at fault even if I'm in a serious time crunch. So I turned my body around, and gave my "Are you kidding me?" look to the driver behind me. It's the look I wear mostly when I'm watching a political debate or the local news.

Then I turned around and started praying that I hadn't provoked someone to come after me with a gun or something!! And I started thinking, "WHAT is wrong with me? I have got to get a grip."

This week, our community has faced an event that would make anyone's hair stand on end. And oh, if I could recount the adventures I've personally experienced... the frustrations and challenges of trying to move seemingly hopeless situations in positive directions would render this blog at least PG-13. It's been an unusually difficult week after an unusually busy week.

OK, so how does a Christ follower stay focused in the middle of all the honking and hurrying and helping and hurting? What's the key to keeping your peace in the middle of chaos? Of course, I know all the Jesus answers and I know I'm never without His presence, I know I always have His peace and that hope is a fixture of the Christian life. I know that my reality doesn't lie in what is going on around me. And yet, I have to admit that I'm human and we humans get tired. I get tired.

Time for some rest. Time to draw aside and refuel. I might sleep late. I might get a pedicure. I might take a long bath. I might just sneak off with a Bible and some tissues. Ooooh, and I might read a fiction book and eat some chocolate...cake.

Oh yeah, it's time to take my time. Hope you take your time too.

Havin' FUN

My son told me something this week. (He turned five on Friday!) On Wednesday, we were headed to school and I reminded him that he would be having a party at school, it being Halloween and all. He enthusiastically said: "YES! God is gonna have so much FUN goin' with me today!"

Wow. A five year old just taught me one of the most valuable lessons of my life. Oh, I know God loves me. I've been taught since before I could understand words. But I guess I've always had the notion that He does His share of arm-crossing as He monitors my life. I often forget that God enjoys me, and wants me to enjoy Him.

As the good, strict Baptist I've always been, I've not regularly pictured God enjoying Himself, and certainly never at a Halloween party. My son hasn't had time for made-up rules to cloud his understanding. He knew the truth: God was goin' with him, and they were gonna have fun. That's the kind of relationship you and I can have with God, too. No wonder Jesus said unless we become like little children, we won't enter the kingdom of Heaven.

I'm off to watch my brother perform at a family community festival. I have a feeling God'll have fun there, too.

Sharin the Joy

The book is officially out! Tonight I savored some wonderful moments with some people I love very much, who came to celebrate with me. Here's a shot from one of the readings:





Feels funny to read your own stuff aloud!!

God has kissed me again, and I am grateful. More details later, but for now I'm headed off for some happy sleep.

Happy things

Life has been intense for the last couple of weeks. Just how I like it. And it's about to intensify even more with next week's book release! More on that later. For now, I have to tell you the happy things of today. First, we took some time out to chill, and do some pumpkin carving. Ever since Levi's field trip to the "punkin patch" last week, he's been relentless about wanting to make something happen to his punkins.




Here is a pic of Matthew's brilliant work of carving my logo into a pumpkin!




I even managed an afternoon snack of baked pumpkin seeds!!

In other happy news, my Mackenzie has been saving for over a year and tonight was able to purchase her own Nintendo DS game system with her own money. Below is a shot of her spending her stash on her long-awaited DS. Notice the grin on her face, and the bag of coins on the counter. With a stack of bills (mostly ones) and a bag of change, my girl made her first major purchase! I'm so proud of her disciplined saving for something she really wanted, plus, I'm a sucker for that smile!

Waxing Poetic

Today was a crazy day. It was like drinking out of a fire hydrant. So, I did what any girl would do on a particularly stressful day. I visited a salon!! Got a good eyebrow wax, and all was well. Somethin about settin' your face to rights... just makes everything else better, too!

Gifts

So I told you that God tells me secrets. He also gives me gifts. Here's one of 'em:

Yesterday I happened to be in Alexandria, Louisiana at the Baptist Building. (For those who might not know, the Baptist Building is the Southern Baptist state headquarters. Sort of like church command central.) While I was there, I stepped in to say hello to Janie Wise, the state Women's Missions and Ministry director for Louisiana. Janie wasn't in, but we stood around laughing and joking with her staff. After a few minutes, the subject of my book came up, and I gave each of the girls a card telling about the book. Suddenly, one of them said, "Janie just got this in today!"

She ran into Janie's office and sure enough produced a shiny new copy of my book!! Imagine the odds of me happening to be in Alexandria at the Baptist Building on the very day Janie gets my book in a promotional packet in her office. What was I to do but SIGN MY FIRST BOOK?!?! Here's a picture of me signing my book at Georgia Barnett's desk, no less.



Could there be a better gift than this?






I went to the Baptist Building for a committee meeting. (Boooooorrrring!) And just look at what He gave me while I was there!! God spoils this girl, I tell ya.

Secrets

This weekend, I sat by a lake and "had church." Me and God, my thinline HCSB and about half an hour. He kissed me with some breezes and winked at me in the sparkles on the lake. And... (hear me whispering) He told me some secrets.

They were secrets I really needed to hear. I needed more than a sermon, more than a Sunday School lesson. I needed God's heart and mine in an unbroken embrace. I needed connection with God that can't be explained in something as limited as human language. The kind of connection where He works on parts of my heart that I'm not even aware of. The scars of tears and snot on my onion skin Bible pages are the only tangible remnants of those moments. Yet, I'm different somehow.

Here's a little gem from those precious minutes by the lake:

Philippians 1:9 "And I pray this: that your love will keep on growing in knowledge and every kind of discernment so that you can determine what really matters..." This is something I desperately need: the kind of love that knows what is really important. I need the knowledge that can differentiate between good and best. I need the kind of loving discernment that knows when something is important enough to take a stand, and when the most important thing is to let go.

At this moment, I know one thing that really matters: God wants to whisper to me. This weekend, He did just that.

And to top it all off... GEAUX SAINTS!!! It ain't been easy so far, but we finally came out winners tonight!!

Saturday Night

Life's been busy this week. Man, am I ready for Monday. But I still have a day to go before then.

I'm learning something profound. I'm learning to rest. I'm learning that I can let Jesus live through me and care for the things He brings my way. And when I can't help them anymore, I can rest in the fact that He can. I can keep giving my heart away because He keeps restoring it. I am getting better at casting those cares upon Him. I'm more desperate for Him than ever. I love it.

For now, a bubble bath awaits and the man of my dreams is putting my kids to bed. Nobody pinch me, ok? Ya'll have a great Saturday night! I'm sure fixin' to!!

What I Did This Weekend

I had an INCREDIBLE weekend! Here's a little glimpse of the amazing privilege that is my job:




Here's a peek at us loving on God.



Here's the place where it all happened.




I gotta tell ya, there aren't words to express how grateful I am that God decided to let me do this part in His work. I deserve absolutely nothing and He kisses me with His grace all the time. Ain't life grand?

The Real Stuff

I've been thinking about what it means to be in ministry. I've been thinking that ministry is a way of life, but not the way of life I thought it was. It's certainly consumed pretty much my entire existence for the last 13 years. You know, the glass house, the never ending meetings, the whole "dont-because-you-might-be-a-stumbling-block-to-someone-else" thing. The weight of a few hundred people's hurts, the weddings, the funerals, the hospitals. And then there's the leadership part, the whole "those who teach will be judged more harshly" thing. And the exhaustion. And the casseroles, the Christmas parties, the pretty clothes, and the not wanting to do anything that might embarrass Jesus.

Yesterday, I was reading a column of satire featuring commentary on Christian televangelists and "star personalities." The column was dripping with sarcasm, but was commenting on true actions of the Christian leaders. It occurred to me that somewhere along the way, these leaders had lost the focus on what it really means to be a servant of God. Somehow it became all televisions and lights and money and emotion and status. At this point, out came the stupid behavior. The kind that J. Lee Grady said "gives the church a black eye."

Then last night, I sat in LIVEChat and was surrounded by single moms and people with incredible stories and incredible needs. I got a chance to love people who are different from me, to put my arms around people who hadn't been hugged in days, and the thought came to me that THIS is a part of ministry I never want to get away from. Yes, part of my work for God is writing and talking to groups of people, and that part is really fun for me. Jesus talked to big crowds too. But He also spent His life in very personal interaction with people. He went to houses where no one else would go, and touched people no one else would touch. Sometimes we get so busy doing church stuff that we don't imitate that part of Jesus' life. Sometimes I think He has to be most embarrassed by our nice clothes, comfortable lives, and pharisaeical behavior.

I just don't want ministry to become a monster in and of itself, one that takes the place of true Christ-following. It's so easy for this to happen. Sadly, years of my own life were spent doing church work and possibly never really imitating Jesus. Just like the pharisee and the priest that crossed to the other side of the road because they didn't have time for an injured man. The words "good" and "Samaritan" would have been an oxymoron in Jesus' day. The Samaritan man was the least likely minister and yet he was the most effective. It's just becoming very clear to me that there is a BIG difference these days between what is classically approved "Christian lifestyle" and what is deep, passionate Christ-following.

As I'm stepping forward in "ministry" myself, I'm realizing that I've got to stay focused on the real stuff of living for Jesus. And I'm realizing that that real stuff has little to do with the clothes I wear, the money I have, or the size of group that I'm in front of. It has everything to do with forgetting about staying comfy and clean and crossing back to the side of the road where the ones who have been robbed lay bloody and waiting to die. It has to do with binding wounds, carrying the injured, and spending myself on their recovery. That's the real stuff.

DEEE-Lish!

And there you have it. The yummiest part of my day. Today I spent some time having coffee with a friend. When she and I are together, there's plenty of trouble and lots of throw-back-your-head laughing. This cup of coffee looked so pretty I just had to take a picture.

Hope you had a vanilla-almond espresso with half-and-half and plenty of sugar and whipped cream and cinnamon on top kind of day!

It's Really Here!

My book came in over the weekend!! It won't be in stores until around November, but my first copy arrived in my mailbox Saturday! YAY!

Can you believe it?? My picture's on the back and everything!!

Sometimes I forget to celebrate this. I don't know why. Maybe because the process has been so long and arduous. But, I'm an author! A real one! A real live publisher liked my book enough to publish it! This is SO COOL! Have yourself a party on my behalf tonight, Ok?

Zing!

I love my job. This weekend I got to speak to over 400 women. We laughed and learned and I loved it!

My friend Julie, whose encouraging words were invaluable this weekend, told me something that I'm still thinking over. She said I was in what Max Lucado calls "the sweet spot." The place where your gifts and what you love to do intersect with God's will for you. She said, "When you're in that place, when what you love to do and what you are called to do intersect, there's a zing!"

You know, I was having so much fun, I almost felt guilty! Friday night, Kathy and I were walking around the pond at Camp Living Waters praying and talking with God about Saturday's events. As we were praying, the Lord reminded me of all the times He had changed my life or spoken to me in amazing ways at a retreat or event like we were about to have. I vividly remember the first time I went on a retreat, I was around 13 or 14. It was a life changing thing for me. Since that time, God has spoken to me, connected with me, and changed me through a camp or retreat when I was able to leave regular life for a while and really listen to Him.

He started helping me understand that while I'm having such a great time, HE could actually be speaking to people and working in THEM like He has with me so many times. Can I just tell you how much JOY there is in doing what you love and knowing that God is using what you are doing to make a difference in someone's life?? Sweet spot, indeed.

ZING!!!

FLOOD

Too tired to say much, except...

Ya know that Bible verse about God opening the windows of heaven and pouring out such a blessing that there would not be room enough to recieve it?

THAT HAPPENED TO ME THIS WEEKEND!!!!!!!

Happy news!

I'm so excited!! Camp Living Waters' Spa Day has registered 325 women! YAY!! So this Saturday, I get to speak to 325 women about Rest, Rejuvenation, and Recovery!

I can't wait! Can you BELIEVE this is my JOB????

AND on top of that... Just a pic of the superhero that lives in my house:








Don't you feel safer now?

Lottery and Leadership

I spent today doing what I love, then had a yummy dinner with the people I love, and now I'm settled in at home with a happy exhaustion. Today I got to teach a women's ministry workshop at Ridgecrest on the River, a conference for church leaders. Before I fade completely out, I have to share some thoughts about the day.

At the end of the day, there was a conference-wide worship service. The speaker, Dr. Bill Taylor, said and showed some things that have really got me pondering. He talked about some of the Southern Baptist leaders from 1950-1980 and their innovative ministry methods. What was groundbreaking innovation in their day has become "the way we do it" in this denomination. Dr. Taylor cited the example of the Sunday evening service, which was created during a time when many homes had no electricity, but often the church in town did have electricity. Some innovative leader saw that people wanted to come where there was electricity, so they began an evening service that resulted in many new believers. What was, in its day, a creative method for ministry has now become a sacred cow for many.

As he presented these thoughts, Dr. Taylor showed us a graph. The graph displayed Southern Baptist growth during the 1950's to 1980's, showing an explosive growth for that period. Of course, it also displayed the slight but steady decline that has occurred over the last couple of decades.

I couldn't help asking myself some sobering questions. I was reminded of a time when I was "coasting" on the wealth of knowledge my parents placed in me. Mom and Dad implanted in my brain a veritable textbook of Southern Baptist doctrine and scripture memory. I felt satisfied with this knowledge for a long time. After all, I could quote circles around most Christians I knew. I could go long periods of time without experiencing anything new from God and no one was the wiser because I talked the talk so well. I had a treasure of knowledge, and that was great, but it sure didn't take the place of real, life changing connection with God. Eventually, I couldn't coast any longer.

Is this where we are as a denomination? Have we been coasting on the surge of growth brought about through the inspiration God gave to the leaders of past decades?

Think about it. If I won the lottery, I'd quit working. The millions would give me a sense of safety, a feeling that I could finally afford to take a little time off. Has the explosive growth of last century given our denomination a "lotto" mentality? After all, we've become the largest and richest protestant denomination in America, so we can afford to coast a while on the hard won victories of our past leaders. But, can we really?

As Dr. Taylor referenced the ideas of leaders gone before, I don't believe he was recommending that we return to their specific programs. He was urging us to grasp for ourselves the passion and courage behind their ideas. They took the risk of trying new things like Sunday night services in their attempt to share the good news about the kingdom of heaven. Where did we get the idea that we could just steal their ideas and not do the work of innovation and creativity for ourselves? At what point did we become so comfortable with the windfall of growth that we no longer felt the need to keep up with the changing needs of people in our society?

I don't think they expected the next generation to ride their ministry coat tails. I think they expected us to find newer, more effective ways to minister to a new generation. And it's becoming evident that our "free ride" has a cost after all.

I don't like this idea of coasting. I want the adventure, the suspense, and the intense work that it will take to drop the security blanket of what I've always known and forge ahead into the uncharted territory of sharing Jesus with people in the here and now. I'll look to the example of those before me and their passionate risks. But I'll not miss the ride Jesus has planned for ME by being too lazy or chicken to get in the vehicle with Him.

Frankly, the idea that God Himself wants to give me personal direction and unique ideas for what He has called me to do is WAY TOO wonderful to pass up, even for the safety and comfort of never having to take a risk.

I'll treasure the opportunity I had today to live out my passion for women's ministry. But I'll also be pondering the serious questions of today for a while. I just can't think of passing up my own explosion and settling for the aftercloud of someone elses.

Daily bliss: Today was full of happiness, but there's nothing like coming home to the ones I love. So for today, my happiness is my sweet love and my two babies. I'm a blessed woman.

Delicious Debate

I've had the interesting privilege over the last couple of days to be in two separate meetings where there was.... how shall I put this?... Tense discussion. I've remembered something interesting about me. I love a good fight! Debate is one of the most pleasurable things in the world to me.

The exchange of words and ideas, the attempt to communicate clearly, the persuasive passion of some, and the shy nerves of others. It's all WONDERFUL to me. Defending an idea forces me to think that idea through carefully. Sometimes we don't always stop and examine our hearts until something such as a moment of tension brings feelings to light. Sometimes nothing solidifies a belief like hearing the opposing belief.

Know what else I've found interesting? It's REALLY hard for Christians to be OK with disagreeing. I've observed two Christian meetings where people really, really struggled to express opposing views appropriately, almost as if it's wrong to have differences of opinion. Why do we get our feathers ruffled so?

I don't know about that, but I'm SURE I enjoyed it all WAY too much. And since it's after midnight and I have a workshop to teach tomorrow, maybe I'll wait till later to ponder what this says about my mental health. It's cracking me up right now because I faced some excruciatingly tense moments this evening with pleasure, and then came home only to melt into a puddle of queasy panic. Why, you ask? Mackenzie was losing a tooth!! So much for a woman not fazed by heated debate when she's standing with her fingers in her ears trying REALLY hard to find the happy place in her mind to escape from the pulling of a loose tooth.

My happiness today: A man who can handle tooth issues that render me completely useless. AND Levi's pronunciation of "tapioca," a pudding to which he was introduced today: "Tacky-oh-coh" I'll eat tackyohcoh pudding with that kid any day.

Homework at the Hughes'

Just thought I'd share one of my rare "Leave it to Beaver" moments with you. This afternoon, my kids worked on homework peacefully at the table while I supervised and assisted like a normal mommy would. They were too cute, so I have to share!


The picture of concentration! Cutting is serious business in K-4!


The picture of brilliance!

Dizzy Days

Spent a lovely evening in the emergency room yesterday. I had some symptoms that were pretty scary, especially to someone who has suffered from blood clots. Turned out to be.... wait for it.... vertigo. Yup. Lots of drama for a little diagnosis, but I am SO thankful that it's something so simple, and not those nasty clots again.

Today I've been playing catch-up. After an action packed weekend that culminated in a visit to the hospital, I had extra laundry and dishes and general maintenance work to do around here. I also have a good bit of writing to do, which is the fun part. I spent the morning writing in my rocking chair. (Am I blessed or what?) There's still much more to do. I have a busy fall ahead of me, several speaking engagements to prepare for, plus the book's release. Tomorrow I think I'll be forced to lock the door and turn off all telephones in order to get some creative work done.

OH! You are also officially reading the blog of a corporate chaplain! I'll be doing a little chaplaincy work here and there for Marketplace Chaplains USA. After a surprisingly thorough investigation of me, they have declared me fit to be a chaplain. I'm looking forward to this opportunity to stay in touch with reality... to kind of get outside the church doors if ya know what I mean.

All in all, I missed my Monday. (It's my favorite day of the week.) Labor Day has officially become my least favorite holiday for cheating me out of a Monday.

For now, I'm a bit dizzy and a lot tired. I'm headed to my bed. Right after I tell you the happiest part of my day: Pumpkin Spice Latte' at Starbucks! OH! and my Love made the kids' lunches for tomorrow... and I didn't even ask him to. I love that guy!