I've been sitting here staring at the screen. I can't quite find words for what's inside me today. I try to make it a goal to write every day. If a writer doesn't write something every day, I'm not sure how anything would ever get written. So I'm sitting here trying to muster up some words.
I accomplished a lot today. Got some stuff done. That was nice.
I got the kids to school on time,even managed to start a load of laundry before we left and get my trash out, had a productive day at work, got my kids, got to the dancewear store to buy Mackenzie new tap shoes (her old ones were starting to get so small I couldn't bear to let her do another class in them), got her to dance class on time, paid some bills, picked Mackenzie up (new tap shoes were awesome), fixed supper and fed everyone, supervised homework for both kids, bathed both kids, read two stories, folded a load of laundry, swept the kitchen, went through a big pile of papers, and got both kids in bed.
I did good, yes?
Yes. But there's still a strange lump in my throat. It's wierd.
I was walking through Winn Dixie the other day, griping because the store is totally rearranged. I realized how ridiculous it was to complain about something so trivial. Then it dawned on me that change is uncomfortable. Even for me, Miss Bring-it-On-and-I'll-kick-it's-behind. And I gotta tell ya, that if a few flip flopped grocery store aisles throw me for a loop, imagine what it's like having life as I know it put in a proverbial blender and pureed.
The change that's bugging me most today is relational. I know how to do intense, enmeshed, all-up-in-my-space relationships. And I know how to do hammock-on-the-beach-just-me-and-God, everyone-else-stay-far-away aloneness. (Though I must admit I haven't had enough of that type of aloneness to become an authority on it.) But where I am now is just plain wierd. I can't be totally alone, though I'd love to step off the world and disappear. And I can't be too incredibly intimately close with anyone either. Anyone grownup at least. And it's wierd.
On the positive side, I have time to get to know myself, to try and do some things I've never had the chance to try and do. I can become a better me. A me that maybe someday someone will love. (I know lots of people love me. I don't mean that kind of love. I mean LUUUUV. You know.)
On the not so positive side, well... really the only bad part is that the change in my personal life is so profound that it hurts. I guess I feel like I've been dropped off in the middle of nowhere with no map. Kinda lost. Kinda freaked out. I mean, I'm good at emergencies. But now that the emergency is wearing off, the realization of my location is overwhelming.
What to do? I suppose I must take a deep breath, gather my wits, and enjoy the scenery. I'm in no rush to get back to civilization anyway. I guess what'll it hurt if I wander around for a while?
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5 comments:
You already are the you that someone will LUUUUV. ;) Trust me on this one. I got what you wrote - I just happen to think you rock already. I'm prejudiced.
I love the idea of wandering around for a while and taking it all in. When you decide it's time to move here's the great part about being in the middle of nowhere without a map - YOU get to choose the direction and destination. Just get out your compass (bible) and remember these simple rules:
1 - A compass always points north - your bible will always lead you to God.
2 - The sun rises in the east and sets in the west so you can keep your bearings - turn right for the New Testament and left for the Old. The more I think about that one and it's references the more I like it. "Jesus is the light..."
3 - South... well just remember that on the Becky-Compass heading south will always lead you home.
See - You can't go wrong.
Whether you're writing just for the sake of writing or because you feel inspired - everything you write is inspirational and I for one appreciate it. The raw, the happy, the sad - whatever it may be, it's truth and in the end that's always a good thing.
Your heavenly Daddy is still watching Becky. He's got it all figured out. I pray you can go beyond knowing how good He is and really feel it today. He knows we girls need that now and then.
You know, sometimes life just doesn't make sense. Sometimes pain collides. Sometimes the right direction takes us directly to the last place we want to be. Yet, I love knowing that I don't have to have it all figured out. At least it's one thing to knock of the to-do list. (Oh, and freak out if someone moves my toothbrush...I totally get the grocery store thing.)
Middle of nowhere with no map sounds like a most excellent place for a tea party on a picnic blanket. You bring the sweet tea and I'll bring the cupcakes. Oh, and don't worry. I'll know just where to find you. You're not as lost as you feel like you are.
C, I'm holdin' you to that tea party! Hurry!
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