So I went to counseling today. I've been trying hard to process my grief, but it's kind of difficult when I must put my feelings away for about 23 and 1/2 of every 24 hours so that I can hold down a job and be a mommy. I've had some really angry stuff that I've been needing to write out and process, but I haven't had the time or frankly the courage to do so.
But today my counselor taught me something profound. Processing the anger and pain are just part of grieving. My homework is to spend some time just taking stock of what I'm feeling. Just to feel it. Not solve it. Just feel it.
Just "sit in the ash heap" so to speak and survey the damage. And though I'm scared out of my wits to try to look at the gory scene that is on the inside of me, I'm also feeling a strange peace at the idea of having permission to simply feel what I'm feeling. I don't have to be brave, or try to explain it, rationalize it, or justify it. I can simply let myself feel it.
And though I know the ash heap is a place I'll go all by myself, I had to wonder if anyone else struggles as I do with allowing yourself to just feel what you feel and let it be what it is. I have such a tendency to try to force it to be ok. But its not ok, not at all. And right now, it's nice to know I don't have to pretend it is.
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2 comments:
I try to do that but it's hard. I've been so trained to be self-controlled, and letting myself feel something without reserve feels so emotionally decadent.
When my mom passed away I wondered if I was crying enough...I try to take it as it comes. Because it still comes and grieving is a process that I'm still figuring out.
I have a hard time with not solving. I don't have any trouble taking stock of how I feel (as you well know!), but when it comes to what to do next, I am never content to just let it be. It does take courage to step in and survey the damages. But you are brave.
You are loved and supported too. And you have more permission from me to feel whatever you feel and to sit in the ash heap for as long as you need.
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