Wanna See My Uterus?

Well, mostly my uterus. But the important part is that little peanut in there. That's our baby! And the pink in the middle is the heartbeat. I had to show this one because the doppler image on the screen came out looking so much like an actual heart shape. Too cool, we thought. Dwayne got to see this one with me which was awesome since it's been 21 years since his son was born. Having a baby is a whole new ball game now, so it kind of feels like a first.




This week we had a little scare. Just a few days after I published our news, I had some spotting. Frightening indeed. I found that even though I just accepted this news, I certainly wasn't ready for this adventure to end that abruptly. I held my breath through another ultrasound until I saw that little heartbeat again, going as strong as ever. Thanks be to God.

I want my faith to be such that I can accept whatever is brought my way, be it blessing or loss. God's goodness certainly doesn't come and go with my circumstances. A hard place to be, however, when you anticipate a painful loss. I mean what do you say? Personally I've reached a point with God that I don't bother with platitudes. He already knows it all. So I get right to the point and tell Him what I want. Then I pray to be ready if what I want isn't what He has for me. "Thy will be done" is easy to say, not so easy to mean. For example, I came right out with "Please don't let this baby die. Please don't let me see an ultrasound with no heartbeat." I found it an interesting challenge of my faith over the last few days, to be in a place of knowing God may or may not take this child, and trying hard to keep myself honest, eventually having to admit that Him taking this baby was NOT ok with me. I guess we are all in that place always, whether we feel it or not. Loss comes often without warning, without giving us opportunity to pray for what we want to see happen. Believing that God is omnipotent places me at His mercy at all times. He can give or take away at any moment. I suppose He sometimes brings along moments like the ones I had this week to enable us to interact with Him. Little wake up calls, so to speak, or moments when He takes our faces in His hands and forces us to look at the condition of our belief in Him.

I'm grateful that my scary little blessing is alive and well in there, turning flips and growing into someone wonderful. And I'm grateful for the opportunity to walk with God, be it a smooth or rough road. What is abundantly clear to me right now is that He is way more capable of holding me than I am of holding onto Him.

The Ash Heap

So I went to counseling today. I've been trying hard to process my grief, but it's kind of difficult when I must put my feelings away for about 23 and 1/2 of every 24 hours so that I can hold down a job and be a mommy. I've had some really angry stuff that I've been needing to write out and process, but I haven't had the time or frankly the courage to do so.

But today my counselor taught me something profound. Processing the anger and pain are just part of grieving. My homework is to spend some time just taking stock of what I'm feeling. Just to feel it. Not solve it. Just feel it.

Just "sit in the ash heap" so to speak and survey the damage. And though I'm scared out of my wits to try to look at the gory scene that is on the inside of me, I'm also feeling a strange peace at the idea of having permission to simply feel what I'm feeling. I don't have to be brave, or try to explain it, rationalize it, or justify it. I can simply let myself feel it.

And though I know the ash heap is a place I'll go all by myself, I had to wonder if anyone else struggles as I do with allowing yourself to just feel what you feel and let it be what it is. I have such a tendency to try to force it to be ok. But its not ok, not at all. And right now, it's nice to know I don't have to pretend it is.