Tonight I went out. Alone.
I saw a movie all by myself. It was strangely enjoyable. Wistfully pleasant.
It's not easy to parent solo, and I really didn't like who I was today. I don't want my pain to be dumped on my babies. Some days I feel like a total failure as a mother. So while they were with friends, I decided to have some sanity time. So I went to a movie, I even splurged on movie food and a grown-up treat.
It was a little weird. I've never done that before. Isn't that strange? Never in my life have I gone to a movie alone just because I wanted to go. Felt kind of overindulgent, maybe a little awkward.
There isn't really a how-to for picking up the pieces of yourself, but as I'm doing just that, I'm seeing pieces I didn't know were there. On the one hand, it's kind of fun to get to explore the jigsaw puzzle that is me. And on the other hand, I feel shattered into so many pieces... it's definitely not something that can be done in one sitting. I have to work at it when I have the strength, and then stop for a while. I'll come back to it later.
It's interesting to be alone for the first time at 31. I've never been alone. I shared a room with my sister and then went directly into marriage at 18. I've lived my entire life in close proximity to other people. I'm the type of person who likes people around. It's funny, though, what grief will do to you. When you grieve, isolation threatens to suck you into its black hole. It feels good to be alone. I don't have to face anyone or answer to anyone or let anyone see how not-ok I am. And some moments... like tonight... I could imagine spending long periods of time alone, never facing another individual, and be totally ok with that.
I've never HAD time alone, so I guess now that I am alone, I'm not quite sure what to do with that. At times like tonight I have an overwhelming desire to close the door to my room and never come out. And at times, the knowledge that I am alone brings such pain I can hardly stand the thought of it. I'm just not sure how much isolation is enough. How much is right for me? I suppose that's one thing I'll have to explore, until I find just the right combination of companionship and solitude. A combination that gives me enough alone time to remember who I am, and enough connection to live out who I am.
For a person who has never indulged before, I guess we'll see how I handle my solitude. :)
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3 comments:
The first night you spend truly alone always stays with you. I still remember mine very clearly, even though I've spent many stretches of my life alone. But you know what? I still thoroughly LOVE going to movies by myself (in the middle of the day is the best). You're right; it *is* indulgent! Your courage to make it through each step of this process is an inspiration to me.
I've never gone to a movie by myself...probably because when I had the opportunity I couldn't afford it. :)
I did go to lunch at Olive Garden alone one time and boy was that painful. Constant questions from the waiter and hostess about whether anyone else would be joining me and surely I wouldn't want to stay for dessert by myself. Can one not enjoy black tie cheesecake without another face across the table?
I am confident that contentment will sustain you as you search out where you stand in this new scenario. The Holy Spirit is such a constant friend...Blessed Assurance is what keeps coming to mind. Your story...the important part is still the same. Praising the Savior all the day long. Or...all the long day in some cases. :)
I very clearly remember taking myself out to dinner once. Alone - and people look at you with pity, or maybe I just imagined it. I've been planning to take in a solo movie this week. When I do, it will be in your honor:)
Much love to you, dear one.
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