Last night I had a good cry. Not my first in this whole ordeal, but certainly the best one so far. My eyes are still showing the effects.
I was at Celebrate Recovery, a totally awesome place for such processing to be done. My kids are cared for, I'm surrounded by people who don't care about the snot or the sobs, and I can just grieve. Celebrate Recovery is kinda like church, only without pretending. People at regular churches have problems, but they put on their Sunday best, and pretend that they don't struggle or have faults. The people at Celebrate Recovery are over that.
And so I cried. For a few hours, I didn't have to be brave or make myself hold up. I just cried. It was ugly... and beautiful.
My counselor gave me a book called The Healing Path. There is a profound statement in the first chapter I love. "Suffering changes the human heart--sometimes for good and often for ill. We are faced with the challenge of learning how to wrestle with sorrow so it can bring about the greatest good. If we want to become more like God wants us to be, we must consider what it means to live well in a fallen world rather than scramble to escape the veil of sorrow."
I will learn to live well in this fallen world. I'm not going to run from this or choose cynicism, or anger, or false bravado. I won't skip over the hard parts. I will walk the healing path, even if it means a steep climb here and there, or a good hard cry every now and then. Me and God, we are walking this together. He is squeezing my heart with His very own hand to produce the next beat and I am learning to trust Him even more. Living well in a fallen world. It's ugly... and beautiful.
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3 comments:
Living as you have chosen to live is the heart of real "bravado." It takes so much to stay soft and open when the stuff of life batters you. I have said it before....but I say again, friend, that you are the bravest girl I know.
Indeed, "brave" is the word that comes to my mind as well. I haven't commented in a couple posts, but I am still reading and still praying.
It's a harsh reality that people put on their Sunday best for church. It makes me wanna shake everybody sometimes, but I'll have to find a more subtle way of moving in a more positive direction.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So, it all must be beautiful because God beholds it all (outside of sin, of course, but I digress).
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