I like authenticity. It's a pillar of what Woman on the Edge is all about. Therefore, I blog lows along with the highs.
This one's a low.
Woke up cryin' again today. (Hey that sounds like a line in a country song...) Today has been a lonely day. Oh, I've been going nonstop all day and surrounded by people for most of the day. But before I got out of the cocoon created by my sheets and comforter, I felt it. And now that I'm about to return to my bed, it's still there. It's been there all day, screaming at me over the noise of life.
Loneliness.
Not just missing-the-kids kind of loneliness. Worse than that. It's the no-one-grown-up-to-share-my-life-with, he-really-didn't-want-me-anymore, what's-wrong-with-me kind of loneliness. It's being stood up: for life. God, it hurts.
Ever the optimist, I must say it's good to be digging down through another layer of this grief. That means if I keep digging I'll eventually hear the clank as my shovel hits the treasure chest, right? It's good to be processing another phase of this ordeal. It's better than living in misery and doing God knows what to distract myself, and never facing what's really the problem.
I'm told that this kind of loneliness is a constant in the life of a single mom, but that it won't always scream this loud. Lord, I hope it won't.
I suppose readers of this blog might tire of this journey. Hell, I'm sick of it too some days. To many it could seem that this should be easier by now. And in some ways, it is getting easier. I apologize if you are tired of hearing the grief. My hope is that somewhere out there, there may be someone who needs to see or hear or read that there is life in the midst of grief. There is One who gives hope to all who mourn. And so in the interest of letting someone inside my heart to witness the way a Christ follower copes with devastation, I write. Of the good and of the bad, I write.
And today was "the bad."
But I am determined to go on. Me and Jesus, we go on. We look this loneliness in the face and go on. Tomorrow morning brings new mercies. Lord knows I need 'em.
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About Me
- Rebecca Jeffries-Hyman
- Woman on the Edge is about living life and taking every opportunity God gives. It's about refusing to stay in the shadows, running right past fear and getting out on the edge.
6 comments:
I don't mind your post at all. I've been in the same lows you're talking about. The one thing that got me through was I kept saying "I'm not a bad person, in fact I'm wonderful". I learned we can only control ourselves and our decisions, not others. He will have to answer for himself. God has a plan for you and your life and I think you're doing a great job at it. You are bringing so much to others by your speaking and your books. You are an inspiration to your children because you're there for them and they know it, one day when they're older they will tell you that. I admire your courage to share your feelings with the public, that's the one thing I couldn't do for many years and I should have. It would have made the healing process go a lot faster. Keep your head up and keep believing. I have faith in you and wish I were there, I'd give you a big hug. Have a great rest of the week and your children will be home soon. God bless and I'm still praying for you.
Shoot. I am amazed at how little we hear of your lows. I certainly wouldn't expect it to be better than this for you this soon. It takes time and it's not an easy road you walk on. You didn't pick it, you didn't get lost, you got put there and it's not fair. But, you know what? You get to experience a part of grace that you wouldn't have otherwise known, and you get to feel a bond with Christ, who bore devastating loneliness for us on the cross, that you wouldn't have otherwise felt. I don't know that it makes up for the loss right now, but it might just be fun to find out.
Keep walking Becky...there are still people following.
Tiring of the journey? They can just click away to another blog. Thank you for sharing.
I am a believer that the best way to process something painful, the best way to continue on your path to healing, is to get it *out* of you. And writing does that. Sometimes I call that vomitous writing - you know, getting the sick out of your gut, 'cause it needs to come out or you'll stay sick.
I pray that those new mercies will rush to you - that they've been sent next-day air.
I can't help be bewildered at this sight. I can fondly remember your beauty as if it was yesterday. Your hair was gorgeous and long. Beauty radiated from you. (I'm thinking hot stuff!)It was a wonderful sight to behold. He was there with you before the pastor, and you both made your commitments unto the Lord before all the witnesses. I was one of them there.
At that time, I was a lost sinner living in the muck of this world. But I can distinctly remember thinking about you. How lucky this fellow was. I thought about the witness and testimony of your family, and the work and effort that they had put into you. To me, your marriage was an extension of that. All was well that day, and the future looked very bright. You could tell that there was a desire in both of you to serve the Lord. I could see that all of God's people were excited for you as well.
Your not the same precious girl that I gazed my eyes upon that day. The last few days I have been distraught, sad, melancholy, disgusted, mad, grieved, perplexed, and tender unto your circumstances. "Oh Lord, how can I help", I think unto my self. Maybe I should give somebody from Polk City a phone call to heat up the pot of tar. I remember him. He was kind of small and dainty. We could whisk him away and nobody would notice. But that is not the kind of thought or action our Lord would want us to have. He says vengeance is mine.
Obviously sin has had its way with you and your family. Not to imply that its your sin, but you can see the effects of sin. The ripping apart of the family. Your anguish and distress, which is killing me.
You don't hide those things well. Your words are different and the countenance is not the same (tattoo on the Lord's property?). Oh Lord return unto me the joy of my salvation! I can see your struggling to keep the ship a float. The things from the inside are coming out. A lot of heart issues.
Where has this sick person taking you? I'm sorry, but I feel that I must blame him. I hope he reads this thing! Vengeance is mine saith the Lord. Oh Lord make him miserable in all his days! May he not find a greener pasture than Becky! My new prayers this week.
I can't continue. I'm too upset. I need to get right with the Lord (this might take a few days). I will pray for you and kids.
I want you to know that you have worth in my eyes, and your beautiful. Whatsoever things are beautiful (Becky), whatsoever things are lovely (Becky) think on these things! Today, I shall think on these things!
Signed: One of His Redeemed!
PS-Your Christ like grammar checker is not working properly. Hell was not used as a noun, but as a cuss word. Wow! Reminds me of all the sailors at work. :)
OK, Redeemed. Out with it! I gotta know who ya are!! :)
First, know that your words are appreciated by me. Thank you for your concern.
I'll agree with you that I'm not the same girl. But, in many ways I'm so much more than the kid I was then. I've been places with God I never dreamed I'd go. Some amazing, wonderful places. Some very dark and scary places.
So... tell me who you are and I'll tell you all about why I'm glad I'm who I am. Send me an email sometime. rebecca@womanontheedge.org
Don't ever apologize for sharing real life! I'm surprised you don't write more about the pain. Pieces of life just suck sometimes, and I wish more people could be honest about those moments. You're certainly not alone along this path.
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