Two Thumbs Up

If you haven't seen Prince Caspian yet, well... you should have. I'm not even sorry that I'm about to ruin part of it for you...


The kids and I finished reading the book and then we saw the movie. Much Hollywood artistic license was taken, of course. But it was still AWESOME! There was one moment in the movie that was most incredibly profound for me.

Throughout the story, Lucy, the youngest of the four Pevensie children, sees Aslan, the Great Lion and knows she is to follow Him. The other children don't really see him, though, and she is outvoted. So the group continues on the opposite direction, much to their disadvantage.

Things get bad. Real bad. Battle is fierce and dangerous. And no one knows where Aslan is. There is little hope. As a last ditch effort, the older three Pevensies send Lucy on a desperate search, for Aslan of course.

As the battle rages, Lucy finds the Great Lion and they talk. Expecting Him to commiserate with her frustration that the others didn't believe her, Lucy is surprised when Aslan asks her "Why did you not follow me alone?"

Then, in a shining moment, the two opposing sides meet at the river Rush. The only hope for Narnia now is Aslan. The Telmarine (enemy) warriors stop short at the river's edge, seeing a little girl on the other side. Standing silent, but strong, yet alone against an entire army, Lucy simply pulls her small dagger out of its sheath. (As if the entire army were no match for her tiny dagger.) A moment of questioning silence lingers, and then He appears. Aslan stands at her side. He roars His majestic roar and the enemy is no match for Him.

Sad, sad, sad thing is that many people will watch this film and not understand what C.S. Lewis meant to tell when he wrote the story. But, never one to read too little symbolism into anything, I am totally caught up in the symbols of the Narnian stories.

You see, I am Lucy. So are you. And sometimes, Aslan (Jesus) our Great Lion asks us to follow Him. Even alone. Sometimes He asks us to face odds that are impossible. Sometimes the people we love can't see Him. Sometimes we go the wrong way because we are too afraid to follow Him alone.

And sometimes... We stand facing an army with only a little dagger. Sometimes we have to look fear in the face and pull our pitiful dagger bravely, and wait for His roar.

DO YOU LOVE IT??? I do!!

I may be only one woman. I may be standing alone. I may face grief and despair and ugliness. I may look more like a pitiful little girl when compared to my fears and my circumstances.

But I lock eyes with my enemy, my dagger in my hand. Because a Lion stands next to me. And He roars. And He was all I ever needed in the first place.


Finally, money well-spent at the movies. Perhaps I'm too dramatic, or perhaps I've romanticized it a bit too much...

Nah!!!! I've been a queen of Narnia way too long to have misinterpreted this one.


GO SEE THE MOVIE, for Heaven's sake!

Past the Foam

Never one to let go of a thought that might be "something," I've continued to ponder the whole "who am I?" thing. I've concluded that there are many words that could be used to describe me, my traits, my idiosyncrasies, my upbringing, my aspirations. But the essence of who I am really boils down to very few things, foundational things that give way to the many other complicated layers of me.

I think we are all that way. There are a few things that must be established about who we are. Once that foundation is laid, it must constantly be referred to as a check point for additions or subtractions or decisions made about the many other layers of who we are.

Here's what I mean: When I got down to the bare essentials, I discovered there are just a few things about who I am that REALLY matter. Those things, if I know what they are and base my decisions on them, will determine all the other stuff for me.

So who am I?

I am HIS. I am totally redeemed, loved, forgiven, accepted, and taken care of by God. I, first and foremost, belong to Him. I am covered in grace, and absolutely right with God. I'm His girl, and that's the way it will always be.

I am a woman. I have my own unique blend of beauty and femininity (with a pretty generous dose of spice thrown in.) Though my particular brand of female-ness is of the strong-willed variety, I still approach my world with a very female perspective.

I am irreversibly, frighteningly, passionately determined to follow God's call for me. I love that He has called me, dared me to go on an adventure with Him, and I will accept nothing less.

That's it.


That very basic information IS the perspective from which I perform my duties as mother, minister, friend, writer, employee, daughter, sister, whatever. That information, when I let myself realize it, stand on it, and rely on it, is all I need to know. It's all anyone needs to know.

I think all this time, I've been working backwards. Starting with the layers and layers of stuff that is part of me, I get distracted and forget what IS me. Sorta like drinking a cappucino but never getting past the foam.

Whew! I got a little wobbly there. Started questioning who I am based on other people and their reaction to me. But good thing! It got me thinking and asking questions and eventually got me past the foam.

It's good to know who I am. It's good to be who I am. Same goes for you, you know. It's good for you to know and be who you are. And I, for one, hope you get right down to the very depths of your cappucino. Way past the foam and all the way down to where the flavor syrup settles and makes a puddle of sweetness on the bottom of the cup. There's just something steady and sure and secure at the bottom of the cup, down there past the foam.

Preoccupation

Ever feel distracted? Like something's amiss but you can't place just what it is?

That was me today. The first thing that clued me in was when I was standing at the counter in Wendy's and tried to swipe somebody else's order. I caught myself before my hand was actually IN the bag so thankfully tragedy was averted. We got our food (the food that was REALLY ours) and sat down. We ate and I managed to get a few coherent sentences out to my friend, Carrie, in spite of about a gazillion interruptions: "MOM, he hit me!" "Mommy, can I have a milkshake? A swirly chocolate one?" "Mama, guess what?" "I'm done, Mom, can I have a milkshake now?" To which I answered a gazillion Mom-answers, like "Stopit!" "Get up off the floor, please!" "Please sit down. All the way." "I need you to eat two more pieces of chicken."

After such a peaceful dining experience, I took Levi to the bathroom. We walked in, did our thing, washed our hands, and on the way out I noticed something strange. There was a urinal on the wall! I hadn't seen it on my way in. For a split second, I thought "Wow, I've never seen a urinal in a women's restroom before." Then reality hit. I WASN'T in the women's restroom!!! THAT was my second clue that I may be a bit preoccupied. Thanks be to God we were in New Orleans East, which is still not very heavily populated, and so we were the only people in the bathroom throughout our bathroom experience.

We laughed our heads off, the kids, Carrie and me.

But on the way home, I started thinking. (Dangerous, I know.) Thinking how funny it is that all the bumbling I had done on the outside seems to reflect how I feel inside. Or maybe all the outward goofiness has to do with what's going on inside me. Maybe the staring into space, forgetfulness, and general preoccupation are parallelling my inner attempt to right myself. To figure out who I am and where I fit these days. Guess I've been thinking about that a lot the last few days. Perhaps a wierd holiday like Mother's Day brought on the out-of-place feelings. Or perhaps it's the change I've observed in how others see me and how they treat me sometimes, the unsure way they approach relationships with me. (And you thought I didn't notice...) Or maybe it's a change inside. A change in how I view myself.

So now I'm alone in my room. Just me and Jesus. And here's the thing... He doesn't care how many dumb mistakes I make. He doesn't care who rejects me or befriends me, or why. He doesn't care how many times I swing back and forth between adolescent insecurity and mature grown up confidence. And some way, He will sort all this out in me. He will show me who I am.


And hopefully keep me out of the boys bathroom.

Lucky Mom

In honor of mother's day, please enjoy this original composition by my 10 year old daughter, written to me--her very lucky mom:


Moms are cool
Moms rule
Moms like to chill out in the pool
But you are the best mom I have ever met
You are as good as moms ever get.

It's your job to love and care
And it's our job to give you gray hair!

by Mackenzie Hughes

Never take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night

NO I didn't try it. That's a chapter title out of Karen Linamen's book "Due to Rising Energy Costs, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been Turned Off." I've read several of Karen's books and always enjoyed them. I picked up this one and was interested to find that she is also a single mom of two. Like me!

Anyway, this chapter was profound. I know you are dying to know how I got anything profound out of that title, so stay with me.

In the midst of pain, a bad situation, or grief of any kind. It's not unusual for people to reach for something completely wrong as a solution, even if a temporary solution, to ease the pain. Now, I'VE never done this, but SOME people might, finding themselves hurting and rejected and alone, pick up a bag of Double Stuf Oreos and consume nearly all of it. How bout THAT for a pick-me-up? Except it doesn't pick me, um... I mean that person whoever they might be, up. It only makes things worse. It's as silly as taking a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night.

That's crazy. But we do it all the time. Instead of facing the pain, dealing with the grief, or walking the hard road, we often create a whole new problem as a diversion. Except then we find ourselves with pain multiplied instead of pain lessened. Why? Why do we do this to ourselves?

I have a couple of theories.

One comes out of the same chapter in Karen's book. There is a subtitle that says, "Please don't hurt me... let ME do it." I have to wonder if sometimes our propensity for those quick, yet devastating distractions from our pain stems from some deep assumption that we'll never amount to anything better anyway. So why not have that drink or two to take the edge off? Who cares anymore, anyway? Why not eat myself into a sugar coma? I don't deserve to be healthy anyway. Truth be told, it's HARD to take the high road. And it takes some amount of self esteem and determination to demand nothing less than God's best for myself.

The other theory is that we don't exercise faith. Now, don't go thinking I'm a name it and claim it girl. No way. My God isn't an order taker at a heavenly drive thru window. He's so much bigger than that. I wouldn't be caught dead saying that someone's painful circumstance is due to a lack of faith on his or her part. Hear me out... today I read in Psalm 105:19 "Until the time came to fulfill his dreams, the Lord tested Joseph's character." This verse is referencing Joseph's experience (start in Genesis 37 and read through the end of the book if you aren't familiar) with the time he spent in slavery and prison, before he was snatched out of prison, appointed as VP of Egypt and recognized for the amazing guy he was. During his prison and slavery years, God tested his character.

I can identify. I feel as though there are dreams out there. I can even see some of them on the horizon. But right now, I'm in the holding cell of character testing. Can I trust God the same in the dark as I can in the light? Can I remain committed and faithful to Him and to what He has called me to be, even when sometimes I'd like to forget the character test and just take the easy way out for Pete's sake?

Well, perhaps I can. But in order to do so, I must get out my faith, dust it off, and put it into play in my life. I must put it on, wear it, use it. If faith is the substance of things I hope for, then I must practice that faith by living as though the dreams I hope for are reality. For example, if I truly believe that full time ministry (a dream God and I have) is coming for me one day, then I don't have time to get addicted to anything, even something that seems to mask my pain. Problem is, when that quick fix is calling, and the dream fades into the background, it takes actual usage of my faith in order to maintain the character needed to stay on the track. It's one thing to say I have faith, sing about it, or study on it; but another thing entirely to PRACTICE it.

I totally stink at the game of tennis. I once tried to play it and I was horrible. It's one thing to know the game, read about it, watch it on TV, try on cute little white skirts or whatever. But actually getting out there to play is a totally different matter. I don't want to play nearly as badly as I want to stand around looking too cute in a little white skirt-y thing, with Reeboks at the end of my lovely tanned legs. (Are you cracking up yet?) To play you have to run around and sweat. You might miss the ball and make a fool of yourself. Not anywhere near as glamorous, right?

Same goes for my faith. I think I often create unhealthy diversions to mask the pain of my problems because I am too scared to get out there on the court of my faith and take the risk of running around and sweating and maybe missing a shot or two. It's hard to live in the substance of things I hope for. It's much easier to live in a tangible, even if unhealthy, solution of my own making.

But what if I could do it? What if I got out there on the court of faith, and won the game? What if I ran around, got sweaty, missed a shot or two, but stayed in the game and actually won? IT WOULD BE WORTH IT, that's what!!! It would be worth it to come out victorious with character intact, making my Father God proud. Loving Him back for all I'm worth by LIVING like I BELIEVE Him.

Whew! This post is getting long. Perhaps I should have made it a series. Or perhaps I'm not making any sense to you at all. But hey... at least you'll think twice before reaching for the Milk of Magnesia AND the Tylenol PM.

Nothin'

I got nothin'. I've been sitting here bonding with my rocking chair, laptop warming up my lap, fingers poised over the keys....

and I got nothin'.

It's not that nothing is happening or has happened. There is more going on in my heart and in my mind and in my life than I can begin to tell you. I'm not sure if I'm too tired or too stressed or too overwhelmed, but I just can't bring myself to write coherently on any of the hundred things I'd like to tell you about.

But guess what? I know what to do. I know where to go. I know just what my heart needs. So if you'll excuse me, I'm off with my nothin' for some time with my Everything. (That'd be God.) He knows just what to do with nothin'. Made a whole world out of it, as a matter of fact. No tellin' what He might do with this...

Winnie the Pooh Wisdom

Trying to convince Tigger to stick around when he wants to quit, Darby (character in Disney's new Winnie the Pooh cartoon) says "We'd be lost without you!" Pooh adds, "Which would mean we would have to find ourselves, ourselves. That might be difficult with just the two of us."

I swear I wasn't looking for a profound moment when this came along and I'll take the risk of a few giggles at this, but I got chills at Pooh's words. I gotta say, I'm quite the Pooh Bear myself at times, bumbling through life trying to make sense of things I don't have enough brain to comprehend.

But thank God, I don't have to find myself, myself. By SomeOne bigger, smarter, greater than me, I've been so very, very found. I just get to play and live and eat all the honey I want. Much friendlier this way, don't you agree?

Tricks n Treats

Anyone who has navigated the waters of divorce and single parenthood knows... or anyone who has dealth with grief of any kind knows...

There are definitely some tricks to the trade of handling life after major loss. I'm picking up on a few of them.

Trick #1: Get over yourself and ask for help.

Today, I swallowed my pride, called a friend and squeaked out "I could really use a break." I ignored everything in me that screamed if I were a better mother I wouldn't feel this way, or I shouldn't be interrupting someone else's day, or what if my friends get tired of helping me. I also ignored the voice of failure that reminded me I'm not good enough and that asking for help means I'm weak. My friend took my kids for a couple of hours and I got the break I needed.

Trick #2: Get over your fear and let other people in.

Today was Sunday. Always a day of intensity and emotion for me. But today was a hard day. I have a whole family of people around me who care about me a lot. Still I can fool most of 'em if I want to. I have a brave face when I need to use it. But there are a few who know that my brave face is BS and they see right through it. Today I let the tears fall in front of one of them. When she asked how I was, I knew lying was futile and so I didn't even try. I let her in and I let her see the yuck inside my heart. I told her how sad I was and I told her why. I needed her and it scares me to need anyone but God. But I let myself need her anyway.

Trick #3: Get out your pen and take notes.

Sometimes things are flying at me so fast. Really important things I want to remember. My journal is filling up faster these days. I don't want to forget the profound things God is teaching me. I don't want to forget the dark places and how He is with me here. I also don't want to forget to pay the electricity bill. For a thousand things, I need a list. It helps me to write. From a practical to do list to a scrawled out emotion, to a dreamy wish list, my pen and my keyboard bring release.

As is His way with His favorite girl, God lavishes me with treats. Friday, I got to have the most fun conversation with my daughter. Yesterday, He treated me to a deliciously rainy day, which I quietly spent in the house with my kids. Today, He treated me to a visit with an old friend who was passing through town, a walk in the rain with my babies, a cup of cafe au lait, and two and a half hours spent alone, mostly in a bookstore. I am learning to savor even the littlest treat, to open every moment as the gift it is.

I suppose, in a way, that's another trick. The trick of treats. Recognizing, appreciating, and enjoying even the tiniest of treats. And... now I must practice what I preach. There is a new book and a warm bed waiting for me. The house is quiet. Rain is falling outside. I'd say my treat basket is full.

Lullaby for a Single Mom

Utterly exhausted, eyes drooping, she finally did it. She opened her hands and let it all go. She left laundry on the couch, and toys on the floor. She bathed her kids and put them to bed. Early.

She walked through the quiet house, turning off every light. And as she went, she let Him go with her. She let Him take the thoughts, the fears, and the frustrations off her shoulders. He held her very tender, very tired heart in His hands and sang a silent song over her...

And she slept.

Today

I wore a dress today. A cute little cotton number with tiny pink flowers all over it. Not normally my speed, I admit. But even if I AM on the verge of world domination, I'm still all woman. :) So a dress, I wore. And I liked it.

I laughed today. Mostly at my crazy self and my crazy friends. I laughed at home when my son said "Yes Lordy!" I laughed at work when my friend put on "I Feel Good" during the afternoon slump, and when an impromptu dance was done to "Shout." I laughed at church during LIVEChat. I always laugh during LIVEChat. And I liked it.

I stood alone with God today. Sure there were other people in the room. A whole choir in fact. But He and I were really alone, and I blessed His name, I sang Him a song. I let Him give me life. And I liked it.

I drank today. It was one of those HUGE sweet teas from McDonalds. Drank the whole thing down, with plenty of ice. And I liked it.

I wondered today. I wondered how long until I feel normal again. I wondered why my new mascara clumped like that and if the clump WAS the extreme lash. I wondered if I was going to pass out. I wondered if I should take some kind of medicine for that passing out feeling. I wondered if I let my toenail polish dry long enough last night, and if this no-chip nail color really wouldn't chip. I wondered why some people are ok with mediocrity and what would happen to me if I was.

I hoped today. I hoped the piece of chocolate cake I ate at dinner wouldn't make me fat. I hoped my kids come out ok and hoped they know I love them. I hoped God still gives me a career in ministry. I hoped I someday love again, and I hoped I take everything I'm learning now and love better because of it. I hoped I could get through the day. I hoped I will sleep well tonight. I hoped to see a friend I hadn't seen in a week, for no reason other than her presence is comforting. I hoped for a vacation. Alone. At the beach. I hoped. And I liked it.

I loved today. I loved my little boy when he was afraid. I wrapped my arms around him and loved him as best I could and cried because it wasn't enough. I loved my girl when she climbed into my lap and when she just WAS her sweet self. I felt deep, painful, heart's about to burst kind of love for those kids. And I liked it.

I thought today. I thought about my life and about my loss. I thought about my dreams and about what would happen if I said what I REALLY wanted to say to a grouchy caller at work. I thought about my kids and my mom. I thought about my future and my past. I told some people what I thought, and kept some of my thought to myself. And I liked it.

Just a regular day, being regular old silly, happy, sad, broken, strong, healing, hoping, loving, grouchy, crazy, sorry, bossy, loud, quiet, lonely, friendly, tired, passionate, me. AND I LIKED IT!!

Blooming

I had a realization. An epiphany. A blinding flash of mental and emotional light.

Here it is:



I'M STILL ALLOWED TO DREAM.


I suppose over the last few months, I've put my dreams away. I just assumed they would no longer be viable or compatible with my new life. I mean, BC (Before Crisis) I WAS living my dream. I WAS doing what I thought God had called me to do and what I've dreamed of since I was a kid. Then everything changed.

But the other night, it hit me. Right outta the blue! I was sitting in choir practice and I can't explain it, there was just a sudden awakening in my heart. A passion and a burning I hadn't felt in a long time. And I knew. My dream, my heart isn't going to die from this.

Sure, there may be changes in timing and situation, and even possible expansion of the dream, but IT DOESN'T HAVE TO DIE. As a matter of fact, inside my heart, it's alive and well. And it's ok for me to work towards it, live in it, play with it, and enjoy the dream God has given me.

I will give you a VERY RARE glimpse into my handwritten journal, because the words that flowed out there express this best.

"It's like I've been standing out in a horrible storm. Everything around me is devastated, even I am in shreds. But I open my clenched hand and find the delicate blossom of my dream and my calling still intact and beautiful as ever."

Today I will speak to a group of ladies. The event theme is "Blooming." And, just in time... so am I.

Peaceful, Easy Feelin'

There is nothing like the peaceful, easy camaraderie between members of God's family. I spent three evenings this week in the company of one old and four new friends. My friend, Kris and I figured out it had been 11 years since we'd seen each other. Now Kris has a family. The star of which is his amazing Mary. I had met her on the blogs, hers and mine, but never before in person.

I just can't explain how amazing it is to sit with someone you haven't seen in over a decade and someone you haven't seen before, ever, and feel completely at home and at peace. Of course I can't explain it. That's because it's a GOD THING. His family works this way when we let it. These past three days, we let it. And I'm so much better for it.

(Hear my contented sigh)

Life's good. God's good. Everything's gonna be alright.

New Joys

I had a light bulb moment. This one is thanks to my surprise visitors, Deanna and Jill. It's a little overdue in being posted, since the light bulb actually came on sometime Sunday night. But then the idea was immediately put to severe testing and I'm glad to say it has resurfaced intact.

Here's the AHA:

I was really bad off before my surprise visit. Down in the dumps. Then, with the shock of the surprise and seein' my girls again, well, I guess I just forgot for a while that I was Sad with a capital S. Once the visit was over, the light bulb came on. DUH!! I'm not dead! I'm suffering, yes, but I CAN still have fun. I can still laugh. I CAN EVEN STILL ENJOY LIFE.

I guess I had only thought there was ONE way of life I could enjoy. But that's not true. And I suppose the loss of that way of life, or the pain of the loss anyway, is in such stark contrast to the smallest happiness that it sort of magnifies that happiness. What I mean is, that some things aren't as easily taken for granted these days. Small moments of pleasure being one of those things.

So what does a girl do with such a light bulb moment? She gets out her journal. The light is on anyway, right? So she opens the journal and plays with the idea of enjoying the tiniest bit of happiness and getting every last drop of joy out of it. She makes a list of things she hasn't done but thinks might be fun. She makes a list of things she has done and wants to do again. She makes a list of things that bring her so much joy that they deserve a deliberate place in her everyday life.

Then she proceeds to write on. She writes her dreams, her hopes, and just plain ol' stuff she thinks. And she really enjoys that.

Then she proceeds to have a terrible week including several meltdown moments.

The light bulb came on just in time, as meltdown moments were balanced with a purposeful lingering over even the slightest thing that might bring joy.

So just in case you didn't know (Hey, don't be insulted, it was a surprise to me!) It's ok to take a break from grief for a while to let yourself really enjoy living. It might even be time to explore some new joys.

Speaking of... a thunderstorm is coming in. A rainy night is mine to savor. Gotta go!

Couldn't Resist

Found this picture of me and my sister...




Now ya'll know where the strange affinity for Alabama comes from. Same thing that makes me look so darn comfortable on an ATV, and gave me the stomach for eating venison and the knack for makin' sweet tea. Happiness!!

Lump in My Throat

I've been sitting here staring at the screen. I can't quite find words for what's inside me today. I try to make it a goal to write every day. If a writer doesn't write something every day, I'm not sure how anything would ever get written. So I'm sitting here trying to muster up some words.

I accomplished a lot today. Got some stuff done. That was nice.

I got the kids to school on time,even managed to start a load of laundry before we left and get my trash out, had a productive day at work, got my kids, got to the dancewear store to buy Mackenzie new tap shoes (her old ones were starting to get so small I couldn't bear to let her do another class in them), got her to dance class on time, paid some bills, picked Mackenzie up (new tap shoes were awesome), fixed supper and fed everyone, supervised homework for both kids, bathed both kids, read two stories, folded a load of laundry, swept the kitchen, went through a big pile of papers, and got both kids in bed.

I did good, yes?

Yes. But there's still a strange lump in my throat. It's wierd.

I was walking through Winn Dixie the other day, griping because the store is totally rearranged. I realized how ridiculous it was to complain about something so trivial. Then it dawned on me that change is uncomfortable. Even for me, Miss Bring-it-On-and-I'll-kick-it's-behind. And I gotta tell ya, that if a few flip flopped grocery store aisles throw me for a loop, imagine what it's like having life as I know it put in a proverbial blender and pureed.

The change that's bugging me most today is relational. I know how to do intense, enmeshed, all-up-in-my-space relationships. And I know how to do hammock-on-the-beach-just-me-and-God, everyone-else-stay-far-away aloneness. (Though I must admit I haven't had enough of that type of aloneness to become an authority on it.) But where I am now is just plain wierd. I can't be totally alone, though I'd love to step off the world and disappear. And I can't be too incredibly intimately close with anyone either. Anyone grownup at least. And it's wierd.

On the positive side, I have time to get to know myself, to try and do some things I've never had the chance to try and do. I can become a better me. A me that maybe someday someone will love. (I know lots of people love me. I don't mean that kind of love. I mean LUUUUV. You know.)

On the not so positive side, well... really the only bad part is that the change in my personal life is so profound that it hurts. I guess I feel like I've been dropped off in the middle of nowhere with no map. Kinda lost. Kinda freaked out. I mean, I'm good at emergencies. But now that the emergency is wearing off, the realization of my location is overwhelming.

What to do? I suppose I must take a deep breath, gather my wits, and enjoy the scenery. I'm in no rush to get back to civilization anyway. I guess what'll it hurt if I wander around for a while?

God-held Wonder

"When each earthly brace falls under,
And life seems a restless sea,
Are you then a God-held wonder,
Satisfied and calm and free?"


Read that today in Streams in the Desert. I love the ring of the words "God-held wonder."

My pastor said this morning that he would never get over what Jesus has done for him. I wholeheartedly agree. It is indeed a wonder to be held by God, no matter what is happening in life. Satisfaction, peace, and freedom are mine always, but to have them when the bottom falls out... now that's when God shows off what He can do in the lives of His children.

How excellent that no matter how I feel, no matter how bad it looks... at the core of me I am satisfied and calm and free. It's who I am because of Him. Some days I look at my reality and know that there is no way I should be functioning. And yet I am. No way I should walk on and yet I do. I should be flat on my back and yet I stand. Through every lonely, painful moment I am held by God. Indeed, it is a wonder.

I LOVE IT!

Only in New Orleans

Today we had a blast showing our city to Jill and Deanna. Of course, my proudest moment was stopping at a stoplight where a homeless man stood with a cardboard sign. It read:

"Hungry Hungry Hobos"


Only in New Orleans, baby!! I love this town!

Good Times

I have laughed more in the last 24 hours than I have in a long time.

I had forgotten what good laughter is. Deanna and Jill (my surprise visitors) are reminding me how fun life can be. I had forgotten how much I missed these two girls, and how much hilarious history we have. We almost don't have to say anything and we'll just be cracking up. And we don't have to make anything up. Seems like the wierd, crazy, and random just show up wherever we are. We just take full advantage of it all and laugh our heads off. It doesn't take much. All we need is a banana shake, some praying lettuce, and a good accordion and we can get a party started, right girls?

It's interesting, our relationship started with me as minister. I was their Bible study leader, trying my best to minister to them. Good times. Now, they are definitely ministering to me. More good times.

And for now, I'm gonna let 'em roll!

Why I'm His Favorite

It's been a rough week. I'm talking deep in despair, borderline ready to give up rough. Along with the difficult behavior that 5 year old boys exhibit when adjusting back home from a week's visit with their non-custodial parent, (hmmm... that makes me the custodial parent. Makes sense. The messes are left with me.) plus plenty of drama at work, plus sick kids, plus saying goodbye to my sister, there has been a level of loneliness that is nearly driving me out of my mind.

I've had a husband since I was 18. I know nothing of adult life apart from marriage. At least I didn't until now. And so far it's not that fun. There is a lonely echo in my soul in the place that used to be filled with soothing touches at the end of the day, conversations, a helping hand, a teammate, a person to rely on, a relationship with intimate depth. Now no one holds me at night, or ever.

I'm sad. So sad.

Yesterday, I had nearly reached rope's end, and a friend showed up at work and left me a box with a weeks worth of dinners prepared for me to freeze and use as needed. She didn't know what she did for me. Actually, she didn't know what God did for me through her.

I needed that, and as I carried my box of treasures to the walk-in fridge at work, I told my wondering coworkers, "It's because I'm God's favorite!"

I went on, somehow made it through church and stumbled my way home. Got the kids in bed and fell in bed myself. After a fitful nights sleep, today finally dawned. Sunny everywhere except inside me. We ran late and I had to check the kids in at school. Then Levi had an episode at school and had to be brought to my office. He wasn't in a good mood. I got the kids home and got them fed, then we went over to church where I somehow got through rehearsal. I dragged myself and my kids back home thinking I just can't make it, I can't deal with this. I had felt so alone all day I thought I was going to go nuts.

I didn't even get back into my house before a little car came driving down the road. Inside that little car happened to be two of the dearest sweetest people, who drove all the way from Florida to surprise me for the weekend. They might as well have been Ed McMahon telling me I'd won the million. I still can't believe they are here.

Of course, we soon piled in the car for a trip to Cafe Du Monde, and on the way there Mackenzie piped up from the back seat. "Mom, I think you were right when you said we are God's favorite."

See, I've told her that before. I've told her several times when unexplained wads of cash have been pressed into my hands. I've told her when somebody showed up and mowed our yard. I've told her when God gave me an awesome job.

At every turn, His grace is enough. Sometimes more than enough.

Sometimes, our God has a way of taking a woman who feels rejected and deflected, frumpy and grumpy, and making her feel like the most beautiful treasure. Oh, I know all of you out there have just as much of God's amazing love as I. But for now, I'm dancing in His arms, looking in His eyes, and I just know...

I'm His favorite.

While I Dream

Today was one of those days. You don't even wanna know. But, as of now, my kids are in bed peacefully resting, my workin girl clothes have been exchanged for a comfy old pair of sweats and a t-shirt, our tummies are full and I'm sitting in my rocking chair for a few minutes of peace before I climb into my bed and end this day.

Nothing really profound today. Just happy to still be alive, and glad to have gotten through another day. Can't think about tomorrow. I'm just gonna crawl under my covers and savor the loveliness of letting it all go while I dream.

Psalm 3:5 "I lie down and sleep. I wake again because the Lord sustains me."

Too Much Fun

My KIDS ARE HOME!! YAY! And they brought my sister with 'em!

We've been havin' too much fun! Here's what we did today:








It's been too long since me and my sis had church together. This is us at Riverside this morning. We are havin' an awesome time in case ya can't tell.

Man, I needed this!!

Jis' So Ya Know

Doin' ok today. Still lonely. But I woke up with a thought today... This is IT.

This is the real thing. This is what being a believer is all about. Nothing I say or feel surprises Him. So I woke up lonely. And guess what? I had Someone to discuss the loneliness with, Someone to take it to. It's still there, but Jesus is carrying it... and me.

Isn't that good? Isn't it good that every moment my heart is held by God Himself? Isn't it good that He understands even the stuff that I can't express?

I gotta admit, there's a dread in the pit of my stomach at the idea of facing this day in and day out. Looking at the long term responsibility that falls on my shoulders alone is staggering. BUT... I don't have to deal with the long term all at once. I simply have to breathe this breath. And the next. Just today.

And today, Jesus is enough. He will be enough tomorrow too.

A Low

I like authenticity. It's a pillar of what Woman on the Edge is all about. Therefore, I blog lows along with the highs.

This one's a low.

Woke up cryin' again today. (Hey that sounds like a line in a country song...) Today has been a lonely day. Oh, I've been going nonstop all day and surrounded by people for most of the day. But before I got out of the cocoon created by my sheets and comforter, I felt it. And now that I'm about to return to my bed, it's still there. It's been there all day, screaming at me over the noise of life.

Loneliness.

Not just missing-the-kids kind of loneliness. Worse than that. It's the no-one-grown-up-to-share-my-life-with, he-really-didn't-want-me-anymore, what's-wrong-with-me kind of loneliness. It's being stood up: for life. God, it hurts.

Ever the optimist, I must say it's good to be digging down through another layer of this grief. That means if I keep digging I'll eventually hear the clank as my shovel hits the treasure chest, right? It's good to be processing another phase of this ordeal. It's better than living in misery and doing God knows what to distract myself, and never facing what's really the problem.

I'm told that this kind of loneliness is a constant in the life of a single mom, but that it won't always scream this loud. Lord, I hope it won't.

I suppose readers of this blog might tire of this journey. Hell, I'm sick of it too some days. To many it could seem that this should be easier by now. And in some ways, it is getting easier. I apologize if you are tired of hearing the grief. My hope is that somewhere out there, there may be someone who needs to see or hear or read that there is life in the midst of grief. There is One who gives hope to all who mourn. And so in the interest of letting someone inside my heart to witness the way a Christ follower copes with devastation, I write. Of the good and of the bad, I write.

And today was "the bad."

But I am determined to go on. Me and Jesus, we go on. We look this loneliness in the face and go on. Tomorrow morning brings new mercies. Lord knows I need 'em.

Easter Alone

On Saturday I sent my kids to be with their dad for spring break. Bereft doesn't begin to describe how I felt. My heart slammed into the wall of reality as I faced a week alone. Fortunately, I had a good friend to stand, or drive, beside me the whole way. She let me cry and vent all I needed.

I got home and wandered aimlessly around my empty house. I thought about going to a movie, or going to the store. Anything to get away from the loneliness. But finally, I decided no. I would face this week alone. God and I will face it. He has things to tell me and I will not run. That decided, I settled in with some mint chocolate chip ice cream and had a rather peaceful evening.

Sunday, Easter morning, I woke up crying. Not unusual for me these days. My first thought was of Jesus and His first words to Mary on that very first Easter day. "Why are you crying?" I realized that I wouldn't be the first weeping woman that Jesus encountered on Easter. I also realized that the same eyes that saw Mary that morning long ago see me now. I spent the morning in quiet, getting ready for the busy times ahead during worship services.

As I was headed out my door to walk over to church, I noticed a pretty Easter flag had been placed in my yard. From a distance I could see a bright colored cross on the flag, but as I approached, I saw that the cross was actually a formation of butterflies. And printed over and over on the flag is the verse II Corinthians 5:17, the very reference that is tattooed on my back just underneath a butterfly. "If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. Old things are passed away. Behold, ALL THINGS ARE MADE NEW."

Talk about a love note from God! Hand delivered by a sister from my amazing church family. A perfect start to a new beginning. I had been apprehensive about this Easter alone. It turned out to be the most meaningful Easter I can remember. Music and memories, friendship and fondue, singing and sleeping. All those things were involved in the loveliness of the day. But the best part is, that God took my lonely heart, wrapped it up tight in His love, whispered to it His secrets, and covered it with a blanket of grace. He turned my loneliness into an opportunity to really see Him.

He is risen! He is risen indeed! He is risen IN ME!

Sunday School

Well... we don't call it that anymore. But I sure got SCHOOLED today!!

My awesome Bible study leader, (you totally rock, Kim) reminded me of something amazing today. We were talking over the story of Jesus calming the storm in Luke 8:22-25. Kim was reminding us that we often skip to the application idea that Jesus can calm the "storms of life." We often minimize the actual physical miracle that took place in that moment when Almighty God lifted His hand and ordered a massive storm to stop... and it did. I had my HCSB with me today, and in that translation it says the disciples "were swamped and were in danger." Boy, have I felt that lately!!

But back to the point: they were in REAL PHYSICAL DANGER from the storm. And the REAL Son of God simply spoke and nature obeyed Him as if she were His handmaiden. "Yes, sir. Anything You say, Sir."

THAT, my friends, is the kind of power possessed by the One who is in total control of my life. EVERYTHING that is happening to me is completely subject to Him. Ya'll, I am in the boat with Him, and sometimes I totally feel like screaming the disciples' cry of "MASTER, MASTER, WE ARE GOING TO DIE!!" But ya know what? He is totally capable of calming the proverbial "storm of life" that I am in right now, but even more, He rules over even the physical wind and sea. And somehow...

Somehow that makes it all ok.


Today's happy notes: The music of little voices in my house.

Mackenzie: (singing a Barlowe Girl song) "I may not be a star, but can I still be someonnnnne?"
Levi: (matter of fact-ly) "You could be a farmer."

Grace Giver

OK, Brain chaos is subsiding. Something has occurred to me. I LOVE MY LIFE. And if you have been reading this blog, no I haven't lost my mind. In the middle of all this, pain and grief and yucky stuff, I am so blessed. I get to be a speaker, which I LOVE. I have 2 awesome kids whom I ADORE. I have a good job, great friends (some who even get solidarity tattoos), the most wonderful church family EVER, and to top it all off, I got Jesus. Jesus, who is my ever present Help, my best friend, my deepest love, my everything. I just plain enjoy Him.

Its not that my pain has subsided. It hasn't. But the miracle of God's grace in my life means that even on the dark, sad, terrible days I can still love to live. I can still love my life. Wild, wonderful, sad, heartbreaking, exciting, intense as it is, my life sometimes overwhelms me. But I still love it. Ya'll, that is a TOTAL GOD THING!


I only have one small complaint today. Dog poop. It's no secret I'm not a real animal lover. But I tolerate some animals. I don't own any myself, but some I tolerate mainly because they belong to people I love and so I deal with them in order to spend time with their people. I gotta tell ya, though, the roads in hell are paved with dog poop. It has to be true. That is the stinkiest, most disgusting, most irritating stuff I know of. It caused the loss of a pair of shoes tonight, shoes I really liked. Wonderful shoes, sacrificed on the altar of disgustingness because I couldn't deal with cleaning them off. Oh I tried. But the gag reflex just kept on coming. So I'm left bereft of one pair of shoes and in a quandry. Why, I ask. Why would anyone want to have dog poop as a significant part of his or her life? Or maybe they wouldn't. That could be why said poop ended up in the yard of a person like me who strives for a dog poop-free existence. Mystery of life, I tell ya.

That's all for my rant.

I really do love my life. Perhaps I'm in the eye of a storm. Maybe I'm experiencing a few moments of clarity in the middle of this chaotic week. Perhaps I'm fooling myself. Nevertheless I will enjoy this. The feeling and knowing that in spite of and in the middle of grief, my life is blessed. There is no reason for this, other than GRACE. That is why my whole being belongs to the Grace Giver. That and I'm pretty sure He doesn't own a dog! He's more of a cattle owner, I understand. Has a thousand hills of em I've heard...

Time for bed. G'night!

Tazmanian Devil

Right now my brain is in total chaos. Do you ever have so many ideas, so much information, things to remember, things to do, rolling around in your head that you feel you might go right on off the deep end? THAT'S ME RIGHT NOW!!

I have messages to prepare for two social worker appreciation luncheons I'll be speaking for this week, I'll be leading worship at church this Sunday, so I need to plan that, I'll be playing for a wedding on Saturday, and I'm putting together a big event at work, plus I need to mop my floor, scrub my countertops, pay some bills, and wash my car. So what am I doing about it?? I'm writing a blog, that's what I'm doing!!

Know what I wish I could do? I wish I could move like the Tazmanian Devil could on Looney Tunes when I was a kid. That crazy guy could whirl around everywhere and he moved so fast it made your head spin. Of course, now that I think about it, he couldn't speak coherently could he? Maybe I'm better off with the spunk of Daffy Duck. Then again, Bugs Bunny's eloquence could really come in handy. Gimme some of Wiley Coyote's determination and Smurfette's feminine appeal and I could REALLY go somewhere!!

Ah well... I suppose I'll just settle for plain ol' me. And one thing at a time I'll grab the stuff that is swirling and flying about in my head and nail each thing down somewhere. One thing at a time. So if I don't post for a few days, you know what I'm up to.

That's all, Folks!!! :)

OK, This one, too!

OK, I couldn't resist this one either. This is Mackenzie in conversation with a church friend and neighbor. Also taken at the 54th anniversary celebration. I love this moment. This one makes a Mama proud!

Jis' HADTA

I simply HAD to post this picture. It was taken at our church's 54th anniversary. Only I know the inexplicable comfort that comes from holding my babies. But somehow it was captured for me in this picture. I love it.

Firsts

I colored my hair. All by myself. Well, actually my ten year old daughter did the spots I couldn't reach. It turned out great!! Not bad for my first crack at home hair coloring! The only casualties were a ruined towel and tank top, which are now my "hair color stuff." So now my hair is colored "chocolate cherry" and I really like it! Sort of a funky too red to be brown, to brown to be red, too light to be black, too dark to be brunette color. All in all, a successful first.

I like firsts. There's something to be said for the comfort of the familiar. But now that I'm forced into a world of firsts, I must say I have a growing appreciation for the wonder and surprise of a first time.

I'm racking up quite a list of first times. And though I hope you, reader, never have to experience some of the firsts I've been encountering, I hope you DO get to walk through your own firsts with the wonder of a child, trusting the same God that is sustaining me as I toddle through every one of these shaky first steps.

I'm going to bed now. I'm sleeping on the first bedding set I've ever purchased on no one's opinion but my own. I'll need to rest up for tomorrow, when I'll get in the first car I've ever bought by myself, pop in the first CD I've ever bought FOR myself, turn it up loud and drive to the first job I've ever had in the assisted living business, where I'll put in the hours I need to support myself and my kids alone for the first time. Hey, I'm on a roll! Maybe I'll come home and make cornish game hens for supper. It'd be a first!!

Broken Happy Birthday

Well, I did it. I made it through another milestone. I turned 32 yesterday. It wasn't the happiest birthday I've ever had. Happy birthday seems like a mean joke this year. I've been dreading this birthday. How can one have a happy birthday when a person she loves and a person she thought loved her has walked away?

I'll tell you how.


She learns to redefine happy. She learns that even though life isn't what she had envisioned for herself, it doesn't have to be miserable. In fact, she lets herself open up to new ideas of what happiness is, and enjoy things she somehow missed before. She goes to the zoo with her kids, and lets herself notice how blue their eyes are, how perfect the weather is, and how fun it is to live in New Orleans. She goes to dinner with some of her favorite people in the world, and lets herself appreciate having just who she wants around her on that day. She lets herself laugh and lets herself eat a lovely piece of cheesecake. She finally, on her birthday, lets herself accept that a part of her has died, but a new part must now be born. She gets yellow roses and a heartfelt letter from a friend. She goes to sleep with her babies in her arms, peacefully knowing that the day she dreaded was a happy one after all.

That's how she--- I, had a broken and happy birthday.

Joy

Mommy: "Guess who I love?"
Levi: "ME!"
Mommy: "That's RIGHT! How'd you know that?"
Levi: (With 5 year old boy exasperation) "BECAUSE, you telled it to me a million days!!"




Mommy: (laying on the bed with Mackenzie early in the morning to wake her up) "Hey, Love. Time to wake up."
Mackenzie: "Hey."

We lie there.

Mackenzie: "Mom?"
Mommy: "Yeah?"
Mackenzie: "Just so you know, you have two white hairs right there and right there on your head. Not gray hair, just white."
Mommy: "Thanks, Kenz. Guess that means we get to pick out a new hair color, right?"
Mackenzie giggles like crazy.


Thank God for my kids.

Hope Indeed

Ever feel like your emotions got hooked up to a bungee cord? I do, right now. I'm all over the place!

I had a most fabulous weekend speaking at the state Acteens conference. Brought back some good memories of being an acteen when I was younger, and I met some wonderful girls. I was a little nervous about speaking to teens because I usually deal with grown up ladies. But I forgot how much fun teens can be, how smart they are, and how they have a way of appreciating the real and raw of life. I had a few tears thinking that I was their age when Jesus swept me off my feet, and where would I be right now if He had not? Wow. I'm surviving right now, literally staking my life on something that started at 12 years old when I gave Jesus my life and at 15 when I said yes to His call. And right now I need Him so much. I know I would be suffocating if He weren't here to breathe for me. And it all started back then, when i had no idea what I was getting into. Plus, I met a totally awesome band! Check em out!


Other end of the bungee, my heart is bleeding profusely. The whole "ash heap" thing is intense enough, and some other stuff has come to light that intensifies my pain even more. And I must admit, sparks my anger even hotter. I did let it spew, directed thankfully at the appropriate person. It was a strange thing, letting myself express anger that intensely. It wasn't pretty for one thing. It was a while before I could breathe again once it was over. I suppose that was a combination of the bronchial plague I've been fighting for a few weeks and the intensity of my emotion. I can't say it felt good. It was hellish, actually. But I can say that I feel a shift in my grief. Not sure its a shift away from anger, but maybe it is. The heat is gone, but it's replaced with a sorrow and sadness that catches my breath. It is almost as if I can see more clearly, as if I can finally take in the whole of what has happened to me. I feel like a severely maimed accident victim who has just regained consciousness and looked in the mirror at her injuries. I can see it all now. And I want to scream. Not from anger anymore but because it just hurts so much.

I just can't leave you with those words. So I'll go on to tell you something that is holding me up right now. My sweet friend Alli sent me a book that I love. One of the short chapters was about suffering. It made the point that we can't understand suffering. It always has been and always will be a mystery. But the author rightly pointed out that where there is suffering, there is love. If you look at a nurse who cares for sick children, a counselor who binds emotional wounds, a missionary who sees untold atrocities, or a soldier who holds a refugee child, you see suffering countered by love. I have no idea why I suffer as I do. But I know, thank God, that where my suffering is, there is Love. There is God. And He is love. And He is the One who holds me when I cry, listens to my insides scream, and even heard the seething anger explode from me. He is the Love that is present even right now as I suffer. That is hope indeed.

Survivin'

Right now I feel like one of those guys on one of those survival shows on TV. Just me and my ingenuity against the elements. I'm having to get creative in order to make it from one day to the next. Forget luxuries like caught-up laundry, cleaned-off countertops, or home-packed lunches. We are down to the bare basics. Enough clean clothes for today and tomorrow, enough lunch money for school lunches, and enough... just enough... energy to make it through until bedtime.

So even though Martha Stewart LIVE isn't coming to do a documentary on my homemaking skills, and Parenting Magazine isn't tracking me for Mom of the Year, I'm surviving. I kissed my babies goodnight, soaking in their sweet smiles, and I'm off to bed myself. Gotta rest up for another day in the jungle that is single parenthood!!

Having it all together seems like a faraway dream right now. I am SO not together. But I'm alive. And my children are alive and well. And I'm grateful for that. We are going to make it. We ARE making it. Thank God, we are survivin'!

The Ash Heap

So I went to counseling today. I've been trying hard to process my grief, but it's kind of difficult when I must put my feelings away for about 23 and 1/2 of every 24 hours so that I can hold down a job and be a mommy. I've had some really angry stuff that I've been needing to write out and process, but I haven't had the time or frankly the courage to do so.

But today my counselor taught me something profound. Processing the anger and pain are just part of grieving. My homework is to spend some time just taking stock of what I'm feeling. Just to feel it. Not solve it. Just feel it.

Just "sit in the ash heap" so to speak and survey the damage. And though I'm scared out of my wits to try to look at the gory scene that is on the inside of me, I'm also feeling a strange peace at the idea of having permission to simply feel what I'm feeling. I don't have to be brave, or try to explain it, rationalize it, or justify it. I can simply let myself feel it.

And though I know the ash heap is a place I'll go all by myself, I had to wonder if anyone else struggles as I do with allowing yourself to just feel what you feel and let it be what it is. I have such a tendency to try to force it to be ok. But its not ok, not at all. And right now, it's nice to know I don't have to pretend it is.

Happy Mardi Gras!

And here you have my sweet babies and some of their parade loot! We've also collected a total of 4 babies from various king cakes. A Mardi Gras ball has been attended (see below) and drunken foolishness has been observed along parade routes. We've taken in a total of 3 parades, but tomorrow, Fat Tuesday, will be spent peacefully at home.





And here I am celebrating with one of the residents at the assisted living home where I work. Mr. John and I were partying at the Mardi Gras ball. We are having just as much fun as we appear to be having! Guess it takes oh, 70 or 80 Mardi Gras celebrations to get it all down pat, since our residents sure know how to do it right!

It's interesting to think that for most of my life, January and February meant nothing much. I mean, most of Florida where I grew up is business as usual right now, and here I am in the middle of a major holiday. It's what I love about this city. You can always find a party going on.

So if you don't happen to be in the middle of it, I'll let a good time or two roll for you. Party on.

I guess we'll see...

Tonight I went out. Alone.

I saw a movie all by myself. It was strangely enjoyable. Wistfully pleasant.

It's not easy to parent solo, and I really didn't like who I was today. I don't want my pain to be dumped on my babies. Some days I feel like a total failure as a mother. So while they were with friends, I decided to have some sanity time. So I went to a movie, I even splurged on movie food and a grown-up treat.

It was a little weird. I've never done that before. Isn't that strange? Never in my life have I gone to a movie alone just because I wanted to go. Felt kind of overindulgent, maybe a little awkward.

There isn't really a how-to for picking up the pieces of yourself, but as I'm doing just that, I'm seeing pieces I didn't know were there. On the one hand, it's kind of fun to get to explore the jigsaw puzzle that is me. And on the other hand, I feel shattered into so many pieces... it's definitely not something that can be done in one sitting. I have to work at it when I have the strength, and then stop for a while. I'll come back to it later.

It's interesting to be alone for the first time at 31. I've never been alone. I shared a room with my sister and then went directly into marriage at 18. I've lived my entire life in close proximity to other people. I'm the type of person who likes people around. It's funny, though, what grief will do to you. When you grieve, isolation threatens to suck you into its black hole. It feels good to be alone. I don't have to face anyone or answer to anyone or let anyone see how not-ok I am. And some moments... like tonight... I could imagine spending long periods of time alone, never facing another individual, and be totally ok with that.

I've never HAD time alone, so I guess now that I am alone, I'm not quite sure what to do with that. At times like tonight I have an overwhelming desire to close the door to my room and never come out. And at times, the knowledge that I am alone brings such pain I can hardly stand the thought of it. I'm just not sure how much isolation is enough. How much is right for me? I suppose that's one thing I'll have to explore, until I find just the right combination of companionship and solitude. A combination that gives me enough alone time to remember who I am, and enough connection to live out who I am.

For a person who has never indulged before, I guess we'll see how I handle my solitude. :)

One more...

Oooo, I had one more thing to add to my list of happy things:

KICKING OFF YOUR HIGH HEELS AND PULLING ON JEANS AFTER WORK. Is there anything better than a pair of jeans after you've spent the day dressing the part of sophisticated businesswoman? I think, not.

A good pair of jeans is like the solace of a friend, it knows the secrets you are hiding, and yet still manages to make you feel ok about the size of your butt.


OH I ALMOST FORGOT!! A STROKE OF GENIUS HAPPENED IN LIVECHAT TONIGHT. We were discussing unconditional love. We were talking about why so many of us strive for perfection in attempt to be worthy of love or to earn love. Then the question came up... If perfection doesn't exist, and can't be attained by a human, then isn't the very idea of striving for perfection imperfect in and of itself? Hmmmmm.... Did you feel the ground breaking?

How To Cure What Ails Ya

Sorrow has a way of teaching us things. Right now I'm learning a lot in the school of sorrow. One thing I'm learning is that deep grief can enhance one's enjoyment of life's little blessings. And so, I'm about to publish a list of said blessings that go a surprisingly long way in making a sorrowing person smile... even if for just a moment.


How To Cure What Ails Ya:

Go to a Mardi Gras parade. With a five year old boy.
Paint your nails. With a ten year old girl.
Buy a car... all by yourself.
Make your bed.
Make sweet tea.
Hold an old man's hand.
Call your mom.
Shave your legs.
Drink hot chocolate.
Get reacquainted with your rocking chair.
Wear eyeliner.
Let an old lady pinch your cheeks.
Call your sister.
Wax your eyebrows. (Technically, have them waxed. This isn't something one should attempt to do to herself.)
Wear matching underwear. (Double points if there are rhinestones anywhere on them)
Look at hydrangeas.
Smell coffee brewing.
Eat brownies.
Look at your kids in their beautiful eyes.
Get some Zapps Cajun Dill Gator Taters potato chips, and eat them with respect.
Sleep with your Bible.
Sing loud in your car. The song "Neon Moon" works great. So does Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire." You will have to laugh at yourself.
Light a candle.
Make your brain do something smart.
Let your brain do nothing at all. Just for a while.


And so, friends, there you have just a few ways to cure what ails ya. I'm tellin ya, these work. Oh, it won't take away your problems, but this list will help you keep your joy alive when pain threatens to consume you entirely. This is hard-won knowledge I'm dispensing here... you might want to print this list and keep it in your pocket just in case you ever have the need.

The Real Deal

In case anyone ever thought that the life of an author is in some way different or more glamorous, let me set the record straight.

Today, I did a radio interview to promote my book! Sounds wonderful and glamorous and important, right? Right.

Wonder if the people listening could tell that I'd been up most of last night with two sick kids. Wonder if something in my voice gave away the fact that I had gotten up this morning, left my kids with a sitter (thank God for you, Mary Beth!) and went to work, called the doctor's office as soon as it opened and wouldn't ya know, the appointment opening they had was a mere 45 minutes prior to the LIVE radio interview I had scheduled for today? Could they hear that I'd squeaked by with an extra half hour break, made a run for it to the doc with my kids, rushed through the appointment, and then placed my kids back in my sitter's capable hands just in time for the interview to start? Did it pass over the airwaves that I was talking to the listening audience from the front seat of my Dad's truck, parked in front of a pediatrician's office and behind a McDonald's?

I bet it didn't. I bet no one who heard me pictured me interviewing from the driver's seat of a pickup. Maybe they pictured me in some sleek office or even in a studio of some kind. Maybe they pictured me beautiful and confident and totally together. Certainly, none of them imagined that as soon as the show was over, I hot footed it back to work and got on with my very ordinary day as if nothing had ever happened.

Fooled them, huh? But not you, reader. You know. You know that the life of any of God's girls who get out on the edge and do what He wants them to do is a no-holds-barred kind of crazy. You know that I'm taking each day and trusting God for my very life and hoping desperately He can somehow use me. You know that before that interview I breathed a prayer for help, because I was completely desperate for God's help at that moment.

Now you know the real deal!! I'm just out here on my edge, tryin' to do what's in God's heart for me. Ain't nothin special about me... only about HIM. THAT is, indeed, the realest deal there is.

OH! And today's bliss: Mackenzie lost another tooth, WHILE SHE WAS WITH THE SITTER, thankya Jesus!! Those of you who regularly read this blog know that I'd rather give birth than pull out a tooth. I literally cannot deal with it. And whadya know, but God takes care of ALL the details, even loose teeth!!

Wonder Woman Day

I still love Monday. It's still my favorite day of the week. What did I do today, you ask? I'll tell you.

I read today's reading in the One Year Bible.
I got two kids up and ready and to school on time.
I also got myself up and ready, complete with sophisticated businesswoman costume.
Then I came back home, turned around, went back to school and delivered the lunch and notebook they forgot.
I went to work and did my job. Well.
I wrote thank you notes and made some necessary but difficult phone calls on my lunch break.
I went to counseling and did some working and learning.
On the way home, I returned phone calls.
I went to supper with my friend who took care of my kids during counseling.
I came home and bathed two kids, signed all their permission slips and report cards, and helped with last bits of homework.
I put said kids to bed and did all the running involved in that process such as water, medicine, night lights, blanket adjustment, you get my drift.
I packed tomorrows lunches
I took out the garbage.
I unloaded the dishwasher.
I did a load of laundry, all the way from hamper to drawer.
I returned a BUNCH of emails.
I confirmed a speaking engagement.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror and counter top.
I remembered to use my MaryKay Timewise face wash.
I remembered to get my mail.
I remembered to mail off a rebate.
I located a missing charger for a cell phone.
I made a grocery list.
I looked my daughter in the eye.
I held my son for a while.
I wrote the blog you are reading now.

I did it. I functioned today.

Now hopefully my golden belt and my red cape and my starry underwear-looking things and my white boots will be sent to me. It's standard issue for a Wonder Woman, right? And Mondays make me feel like Wonder Woman. I love Monday.

Ugly...and beautiful

Last night I had a good cry. Not my first in this whole ordeal, but certainly the best one so far. My eyes are still showing the effects.

I was at Celebrate Recovery, a totally awesome place for such processing to be done. My kids are cared for, I'm surrounded by people who don't care about the snot or the sobs, and I can just grieve. Celebrate Recovery is kinda like church, only without pretending. People at regular churches have problems, but they put on their Sunday best, and pretend that they don't struggle or have faults. The people at Celebrate Recovery are over that.

And so I cried. For a few hours, I didn't have to be brave or make myself hold up. I just cried. It was ugly... and beautiful.

My counselor gave me a book called The Healing Path. There is a profound statement in the first chapter I love. "Suffering changes the human heart--sometimes for good and often for ill. We are faced with the challenge of learning how to wrestle with sorrow so it can bring about the greatest good. If we want to become more like God wants us to be, we must consider what it means to live well in a fallen world rather than scramble to escape the veil of sorrow."

I will learn to live well in this fallen world. I'm not going to run from this or choose cynicism, or anger, or false bravado. I won't skip over the hard parts. I will walk the healing path, even if it means a steep climb here and there, or a good hard cry every now and then. Me and God, we are walking this together. He is squeezing my heart with His very own hand to produce the next beat and I am learning to trust Him even more. Living well in a fallen world. It's ugly... and beautiful.

Lest my whole blog be overtaken with a shroud of blackness, today I write about nothing much. No delving into the depths of my heart this day. How about I share with you some things I've enjoyed lately:

I like to work. I've always liked to work. Granted, my heart's dream is to be speaking and writing full-time, but right now I must work at a secular job. The one God has provided for me (Marketing Director for an assisted living facility) is worthwhile, enjoyable, challenging and meaningful. I like the tap of big-girl shoes on the floor, I like being a professional woman. I like engaging my brain and interacting with people. I completely enjoyed the days when all my clothes had breast milk all over them and I had a baby attached to me or near me somewhere at all times. And I also enjoy stepping into the work world, which is where God has me now.

I like chocolate. In most any way, shape or form, except tootsie rolls. Tootsie rolls are a poor excuse for chocolate flavor and a complete waste of time in my opinion. This evening I'm enjoying it in its Chunky Chips Ahoy form.

I like cherry pie. I just do. It's my favorite pie and I like it. Simple, sweet, yet bold and bright. Cherry pie is good.

I like Psalm chapter 71 and Isaiah chapter 40. I'm also fond of Philippians 4, Galatians 6, Ephesians... well ALL of Ephesians, Ecclesiastes 3, Romans 8, BOTH of the Corinthians, Isaiah 6, especially the first 8 verses, Psalm 100, oh and 23. I also chose to have 2 Corinthians 5:17 tatooed on me, though I think all of the above scriptures are tatoo worthy. Were I to get started, I could easily cover my whole self with His words. Oh yeah! Psalm 46 too.

I like my laptop. She works for me.

I like my phone/pda thing. She works for me too.

I like pedicures. Might have to avail myself of one in the very near future.

I like peaceful, restful sleep, which is what I'm hoping to have in the next few moments.

OH! And I also REALLY like people who read this blog! That'd be YOU. (cheesy smile)

Living

Today is a swirl of emotion. The good and the bad have train-wrecked into a big pile of joy and sorrow. Today is my 13th wedding anniversary. Except how do you celebrate an anniversary when a marriage is ending? That wound hurts so much today.

But guess what else today is? Today is one year to the day that I survived pulmonary embolisms!! I wondered last year why God asked me to spend my anniversary in the emergency room, and now I'm so glad He did. He gave me something to celebrate this year on what He knew would be a sad day.

So on an anniversary that is reminding me that life is hard and often full of pain, another anniversary occurs that reminds me that for some reason, last year, God WANTED me to live. He made sure I survived something that kills most people who encounter it. He wanted me to keep on going, keep on living.

And I will. In the hope of the life He bought for me, I will live. In spite of how I hurt today, I will live.

I WILL LIVE.

What I Love About Sunday

Sunday has always held significance in my life. In my family when I was growing up, unless you were seriously ill, church attendance was mandatory. And in my adult life, all I've ever been is a ministry wife, so again with the mandatory church attendance. There are traditions and precious things about Sunday that are pivotal parts of my life.

All that is changing now. Sitting in the pew alone is a new experience. It's hard to feel right, since I don't really know what I am. I mean, I'm not a staff wife anymore, but I don't feel like a regular church member either. Where do I fit now? I'm not exactly sure, but I do know that in the piece of God's family that is Riverside Church, I fit. I fit before, and somehow I still do. This says amazing things about the Christ following that is happening at this church. Most others would have rid themselves of me, and yet my Riverside fam is holding me still.

Today I cried through church. That isn't unusual, since interaction with God often causes my eyes to leak, but today I cried out of pain, sorrow and loneliness. We sang a song about bringing an offering of worship to God. And I brought mine, broken and pitiful as it is, I brought it. I sat there telling God that I am all His. I told Him that whatever He is doing with my life, I will follow. That's all the offering I have now. So I suppose some of my tears were ones of joy too, knowing that my God and my brothers and sisters didn't care that all I brought today was pain.

So I guess more than all the traditions and hugging and kissing (it's a New Orleans thing, the kissing) and smiling and connecting, and all the stuff I love about Sunday, what I love most of all is that moment of deeply intimate connection with God that is somehow made meaningful because it happens alongside the rest of the family, whether they are aware of it or not. It's a mystery. I can't quite give it words, but that something about Sunday is still there. I sure am glad it is.

Bittersweet

I started a new job today. This job is a blessing. The pay is good, the hours are perfect, the environment is friendly, and it's not a hard job. This job is a blessing. It really is. Are you convinced yet? I'm trying to be.

See, this job for me is one more unwelcome change in a few weeks that have been full of unwelcome changes. It represents a new reality that I must live with. Single moms have to work. They have to do more than my fledgling speaking and writing income is able to provide. I guess today, my first day at work, made me feel more officially alone. It was one more step out of shock and into reality.

It's not that God has even asked me to set Woman on the Edge aside. I'll still be keeping my speaking engagements, and writing, and accepting more as they are provided. God has provided a job that allows that. It also allows me to keep my children as close as possible to their normal daily schedule. It was one more gift of love from my Father whose provision has sustained me thus far and will continue to sustain me.

So today was bittersweet. Sweet in the peace that God is taking good care of me and my children, and sorrowfully bitter in that I desperately wish not to be in need of this provision... and today is tangible proof that I am in need of it whether I want to be or not.

I am grateful. For a God who will never reject me. Great is His faithfulness. For a job that I can do while I still keep my heart's passion alive. For two amazing kids. For freezing weather... in New Orleans of all places. And for the hilarious writing that I'm certain will come out of this church girl's first encounter in a long time with the day to day business world. I'm on an unplanned adventure, but an adventure, no less.

(Deep breath.) A blessing indeed.

Soaring

Isaiah 40:28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

As I enter 2008, leaving behind a year that ended in sadness, I'm reminded by this passage of something I think God is really teaching me right now. HE IS IN CONTROL, and furthermore, I AM NOT. All my trying and struggling and working didn't stop grief and loss from entering my life. All my hard work and all the brainpower in my head isn't enough to accomplish everything I feel the need to accomplish.

The end of 2007 and the beginning of 08 find me weary indeed. Weary, and bewildered, with questions and fears and frustrations and loneliness.

The opening words of this passage spoke right to me. You see, I DO know, and I HAVE heard about God's unfathomable understanding, and His amazing power and His unending love. I know very well that He is the source of strength, and that hoping in Him will enable me to soar, to run, and to walk without weariness taking over. Isn't it interesting how we can know something so incredible and yet forget to walk in it? Isn't it strange, this tendency to settle for weary when wonderful is right in front of me. See, in the fog of sorrow I've been trying to medicate my hurt. I guess everyone does that. TV going way too late because I can't sleep, keeping my pj's on all day because I can't bring myself to get out of bed, cleaning house so that at least one thing in my life is under control. When I read these words in Isaiah, they immediately fell over my heart as the soothing medicine I really needed. The Everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of Heaven and Earth doesn't get tired. His understanding is unsearchable. And girls like me who dare to put their hope in Him can let it all go, and leave it up to Him.

It's time to soar, my friends. What do I have to lose? Here goes!!

Happy 2008 to you and yours!!

A Light Has Dawned

Isaiah 9:2 The people walking in darkness
have seen a great light;
on those living in the land of the shadow of death [a]
a light has dawned.

3 You have enlarged the nation
and increased their joy;
they rejoice before you
as people rejoice at the harvest,
as men rejoice
when dividing the plunder.

4 For as in the day of Midian's defeat,
you have shattered
the yoke that burdens them,
the bar across their shoulders,
the rod of their oppressor.

5 Every warrior's boot used in battle
and every garment rolled in blood
will be destined for burning,
will be fuel for the fire.

6 For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
Wonderful Counselor, [b] Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

7 Of the increase of his government and peace
there will be no end.
He will reign on David's throne
and over his kingdom,
establishing and upholding it
with justice and righteousness
from that time on and forever.
The zeal of the LORD Almighty
will accomplish this.


MERRY CHRISTMAS!! The Dawn from On High is here! The yokes of bondage are shattered, the bloody battle clothes can be thrown away. FOR UNTO US A CHILD IS BORN!! He is the Hope of All Ages, the Captive's Deliverer, and the Great Healer. He is indeed my Wonderful Counselor, my Mighty God, my Everlasting Father, and my Beloved Prince of Peace.

I've lamented over the last few days that such grief came into my life at Christmastime. No more. In the midst of this grief, I will celebrate the fact that the One who will overcome my every hurt was born for me. The Light that shines in my dark times has come. His birth set in motion the ultimate victory for us all.

Peace and joy to you and yours this Christmas! I'll "see" you when the celebration is over.

There's this thing...

There's this thing about blogging... It's just so... well, public. I've debated with myself about how much information to put on this blog about what I am currently experiencing. Part of me argues that my pain is not for public scrutiny. The other part maintains that pain is a part of life, and Woman on the Edge isn't about to back away from life, even the pain. I'm still not sure which part won. (That's the thing about debates... you're never really sure of the winner.)

But for now, I'll say this: I am experiencing and grieving a great loss in my life. For the protection of everyone involved, the specifics of that loss will most likely not be discussed on this blog. What WILL be discussed is the part that matters: Woman on the Edge is indeed on the edge, and GOD IS TAKING CARE OF HER. Wonderful, amazing, vivid, incredible life on the edge with God is worth it. Even in times of pain. I'm starting to realize another dimension of God's massive love, and I invite you to explore it with me.

My counselor sent me an email saying, “God’s arms are around you. He loves you.” I replied to her, “I know He loves me… I’m starting to think I’m His favorite!”

It’s true. God is overwhelming me with love and comfort through Riverside Church, through His provision, through His presence. Today I stood in my kitchen making Christmas cookies. I just stood there doing a normal activity as if my heart wasn’t broken in a million pieces. I stood in a contented peace that I simply can’t explain. It’s that peace that passes all understanding. How can God be so good to me?

I don’t understand where the ability to get up in the morning comes from, but its there. I don’t understand where the ability to make the hardest decisions of my life is coming from but its there. I only understand that I’m God’s girl. I’ve put my little hand in His great big one, and we walk on.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God that transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4)

Thank God for His peace standing guard over my injured heart. He will hover over yours, too, in your times of pain. My Prince of Peace rules and reigns in peace, and will give it in generous amounts to those who trust in Him. If you don't believe it, keep reading. I'll be doing my best to let you see it happen in me.

Favorite Things Continued

OK, so I still need it, so here are some more:

My ALABAMA CD collection
Josh Turner's voice
Dark chocolate
Friends who let me cry
Paula Deen's Home Cooking on Food Network
My ear piercings. I'm actually considering another one.
Christmas movies
Christmas cookies
The way God takes care of me
Absolute Truth
Did I say dark chocolate?
Christy's tattoo
Sweet tea
Psalm 71
Willie Nelson singing "Pretty Paper"
Peace


OH! And the white dress with the blue satin sash thing... especially on my little girl.

Raindrops on Roses

In the spirit of Christmas, as Julie Andrews' voice rings in my head "When the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I'm feeeeeeeeling sad, I simply remember my favorite things, and then I don't feeeeeeeeel SOOOOooooo Baaaaaad!"

Here are some of my favorite things right now:

A FABULOUS girl named Mackenzie
An AMAZING boy named Levi
Riverside Church
Movies with a friend
Friends who love me so much they cry when I hurt
Peanut butter fudge
My worn out copy of Streams in the Desert
My worn out NIV
A good manicure
My tattoo
Mudslides
Starbucks Dark Chocolate Peppermint Frappucino
Oranges from my Daddy's grove
Orange juice from those oranges
My girl in ballet shoes
Drivin' my Daddy's truck! It smells like him, and is all marked up by him inside. The arm rest has an indention where his arm fits. Driving it makes me remember who I am... who I'm proud to be.
Christmas red nail polish (only in December)
Long, hot showers
Good fiction novels
Phone calls from my sister
My little girl's laugh
Apple Cinnamon Febreze
My boy on his bike goin' full speed ahead
Did I say peanut butter fudge?
LIVEChat
Friendships. Deep, meaningful ones.
HOPE.


OH! And I'm with Julie on the brown paper packages tied up with strings, too. Bright copper kettles aren't so bad either.

Hurt

It's been a hard day. You know when something terrible happens, and the shock starts to wear off, and the pain sets in? That's the day I've had. Never without hope, and never alone, but today I hurt.

God Himself

I'm at a point in my life when the "rubber meets the road" as far as my faith goes. I am going through something I completely do not understand. It is at this point that I must make a decision. I must choose to trust God and rest, or I can choose to struggle and fight and worry and wear myself out. This kind of heart shattering pain has a way of exposing the depths of a person's soul. And as I peer into the depths of mine, past all the confusion and hurt and rejection and grief, I still have One thing: my God.

Friends, don't think of this as bravado. Oh, I'm hurting alright. I'm angry and confused and broken and sad. All that stuff is there; I am human after all. But here is where I must either believe and embrace Jesus, or I must abandon Him. If He is enough, then He is enough. If He is not enough, then I'm wasting my time.

This morning, I read the words of Paul in Galatians 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me." THAT's why I grieve as one who has hope. THAT's why I'm still standing. Because I have been crucified with Christ. HIS life exchanged for mine. So the life I'm now living, HE is living for me. And so the One who was despised and rejected, a Man of Sorrows, well acquainted with grief, is handling my grief for me. It's nothing new to Him, and it's nothing He can't overcome in me.

Man, it's great to have something Unshakeable right now. Christ following is more than the right decision. It's more than even redemption and grace. It's a sold out, total life commitment that is irreversible, costly, and SO WORTH IT. I'm not a half-way kind of girl, but I certainly couldn't have Jesus half way. Right now, I may be walking through the valley of the shadow of death with Him, but that's where He's taking me. And if I'm going with Him, then I'm going everywhere, not just the pretty places. I can't describe to you how good it feels to have Him, my One Never-Changing, No Matter What, Sure Thing.

This poem in today's Streams in the Desert is perfect:

My goal is God Himself, not joy, nor peace,
Nor even blessing, but Himself, my God;
It's His to lead me there, not mine, but His-
At any cost, dear Lord, by any road!

So faith bounds forward to its goal in God,
And love can trust her Lord to lead her there;
Upheld by Him, my soul is following hard
Til the Lord has fulfilled my deepest prayer.

No matter if the way is sometimes dark,
No matter though the cost is often great,
He knows the way for me to reach the mark,
The road the leads to Him is sure and straight.

One thing is sure, I cannot tell Him no
One thing I do, I press towards my Lord;
Giving God my glory here, as I go,
Knowing in heaven waits my Great Reward.

All Things

Yep, that's me. And yes, it's real!!! Underneath the butterfly is the scripture reference 2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if any man be in Christ, he is a new creation. Old things are passed away. Behold, all things are made new."

ALL THINGS are made new. It's a truth I've built my foundation on, and one I'm trusting with my very life at this moment. ALL things. God did that for me. That's why I need Him so much.

PLUS, I even had one heck of a friend to go on this adventure with. Check out her rendition here.

Back to the Drawing Board

OK, so the state Baptist Convention wasn't exactly the place to "take my time." Though I did enjoy a delicious chocolate cake-ey dessert thing, and an even more delicious novel, I also came back with a load of stuff to sort out, in my suitcase and in my brain.

Note to self: Baptist Convention, while fun in its own wierd way, not the place for a 30 something female to expect emotional relaxation.

I have a sneaky suspicion, though, that the retreat I'm doing this weekend might be. My sister's flying in and I am resolved to somehow de-frag my mind and heart in the course of this weekend. Wish me luck!

Takin' my Time

I'm getting tired. How do I know, you ask? Well... for one thing, (see me look down at the ground sheepishly) I had road rage yesterday morning.

I was in the car line at the kids' school and Mackenzie was getting out of the van. My Mackenzie is the most peaceful, wonderful person in the whole wide world. She's not the type of girl that hurries. Evidently, a parent behind me thought she was taking to long, and HONKED. Mama Bear didn't like that! Instantly I was at a boil. I often resist the urge to be impatient in the morning car line, remembering that it is early morning and none of these children are at fault even if I'm in a serious time crunch. So I turned my body around, and gave my "Are you kidding me?" look to the driver behind me. It's the look I wear mostly when I'm watching a political debate or the local news.

Then I turned around and started praying that I hadn't provoked someone to come after me with a gun or something!! And I started thinking, "WHAT is wrong with me? I have got to get a grip."

This week, our community has faced an event that would make anyone's hair stand on end. And oh, if I could recount the adventures I've personally experienced... the frustrations and challenges of trying to move seemingly hopeless situations in positive directions would render this blog at least PG-13. It's been an unusually difficult week after an unusually busy week.

OK, so how does a Christ follower stay focused in the middle of all the honking and hurrying and helping and hurting? What's the key to keeping your peace in the middle of chaos? Of course, I know all the Jesus answers and I know I'm never without His presence, I know I always have His peace and that hope is a fixture of the Christian life. I know that my reality doesn't lie in what is going on around me. And yet, I have to admit that I'm human and we humans get tired. I get tired.

Time for some rest. Time to draw aside and refuel. I might sleep late. I might get a pedicure. I might take a long bath. I might just sneak off with a Bible and some tissues. Ooooh, and I might read a fiction book and eat some chocolate...cake.

Oh yeah, it's time to take my time. Hope you take your time too.

Havin' FUN

My son told me something this week. (He turned five on Friday!) On Wednesday, we were headed to school and I reminded him that he would be having a party at school, it being Halloween and all. He enthusiastically said: "YES! God is gonna have so much FUN goin' with me today!"

Wow. A five year old just taught me one of the most valuable lessons of my life. Oh, I know God loves me. I've been taught since before I could understand words. But I guess I've always had the notion that He does His share of arm-crossing as He monitors my life. I often forget that God enjoys me, and wants me to enjoy Him.

As the good, strict Baptist I've always been, I've not regularly pictured God enjoying Himself, and certainly never at a Halloween party. My son hasn't had time for made-up rules to cloud his understanding. He knew the truth: God was goin' with him, and they were gonna have fun. That's the kind of relationship you and I can have with God, too. No wonder Jesus said unless we become like little children, we won't enter the kingdom of Heaven.

I'm off to watch my brother perform at a family community festival. I have a feeling God'll have fun there, too.

Sharin the Joy

The book is officially out! Tonight I savored some wonderful moments with some people I love very much, who came to celebrate with me. Here's a shot from one of the readings:





Feels funny to read your own stuff aloud!!

God has kissed me again, and I am grateful. More details later, but for now I'm headed off for some happy sleep.