Paths and Fogs

A few weeks ago, I posted something about my journey. I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was something about feeling like the security of the known isn't really safe for me anymore. I just can't stay and I have to move forward. I have no idea what's ahead, but I have come to this place, this edge of my reality, where I have to choose to sit down, or to keep going, and if I keep going, which path will I take? I've been sitting here for quite some time now, and this is where the conversation Becky and I had about the wishing fog comes in. It seems to roll in on you when you're sitting still. I have told myself that I was making choices, but I was really allowing that fog of wishing to swirl around my head and keep me satisfied in my spot, busy with all of the questions that float around there. But, like a brave little soldier, I decided at some point to just start walking. I don't know when I'll be able to see what's ahead, but I had to start walking in some direction or another.
In that spirit, I have grabbed for a few books that I've been meaning to read...and one that was recommended to me by some very reliable sources was The Barbarian Way, by Erwin McManus. It's what fell into my hands first, so I devoured it, cover to cover, in less than two days. If you haven't read it, I hope this will still make sense to you.....
It's so encouraging to have words that define my identity! It's so nice to know there are other people out there who think like I do and feel like I do and don't-fit-in like I do! But as I reached the end of the book, the following paragraph really seemed relevant to me, in light of the conversations Becky and I have been having, so I'm going to share it with you. He is talking about the Israelites and their journey out of Egypt: "It is no different for us. As it was for them, freedom is not a return to Paradise Lost (it's not safe back there anymore), but to a promised land that we must win. Like Israel, who longed for Egypt (this would be the wishing fog right here) because the journey was more difficult than the people expected, we must be aware of the temptation to return to the captivity from which we were freed. There is but one path to freedom. There is no easy road made available. We cannot claim to know Christ and to honor Him if we refuse the path He calls us to follow." Parenthetical statements added by me....of course.
I think that we have many crossroads in our lifetimes, but this has been a particularly difficult one for me. Maybe it's just my age. Maybe it's the many milestones and big changes that have occurred in my life this year. I don't know, really, what it is. But I know I have been standing there, just waiting, wishing, resting - whatever. I know where I'm headed, and I know Who will be with me, but it has really been more difficult than I expected.

<3 Christy