August 23

Thanks for the props on the wishing fog, B. I don't know which one of us put it together, but it was definitely born in a painful conversation. I suppose I haven't addressed my end of it in this format either. Maybe I will tomorrow. My brain has pretty much decided it can't take any more for now and has zoned out. But I did want to post the joy that found me in this day....
At any rate, what came out of your pen, so to speak, is so inspired! I prefer that kind of thing to the rhymes anyway!
DAILY BLISS:
I got flowers from my DH today. I never remember these things, but he called me today to remind me that, 14 years ago, on this date, he first laid eyes on me. I don't get flowers often, but when I do, it's really special. But not half as special as the fact that he remembers that kind of thing.

<3 Christy

Forward...

Haven't posted in a while... Frankly I have been a little on the grouchy side with my life. Not that I don't love my life, I've just had a disappointment over the last couple of weeks that had me feeling disenchanted. Normally when it comes to poetry, I'm a rhyme girl all the way, but last night I had a three hour intro to computers class where my mind had some time to wander. My pen came flying to my hand and during the droning about drop down menus, and I scribbled this little quip in response to my feelings of late.

The heat of passion collides with reality's chill
Settling over my heart in a wishing fog
A mist of unrealized potential and unmet expectations
Swirls about me, slowing my pace.

My pulse throbs painfully, beating out my heartache
Will I perish in this cloudy spot?
My hand grasps tightly to my Companion.
He ushers me along the only way out of this desperate fog,
Slowly,
Gingerly,
Steadily,
Forward.


This is the conclusion I've come to. In the pits of life, I'm left alone. Except for Christ. He alone remains when all others fall away. He hasn't necessarily called me to a comfortable life. His call is to a life lived in abandon to Him. This means when that "wishing fog" comes down, making me pine for what I don't have and grieve deep hurts and disappointments, and clouding my view of reality, I have only one option. That option is to hold to Christ and keep moving ahead, knowing that eventually we will reach the other side of the fog and I will once again be able to see the view along our journey. I have to wonder how much time I may have wasted in similar fogs because I gave in to the despair and just sat down instead of clinging to Jesus and continuing to move forward, even if the steps are slow and painful.

I've decided that forward is the only way to go. And I'll not wait for the wishing to go away before I begin to move again. Christ and I will move ahead, at first in the midst of the wishing fog, but eventually it will clear, and I'll be happy for the ground we covered.

Thanks to Christy for some deep and painful conversations where our term "wishing fog" was born.

Ever Forward,
Becky

Miles To Go

Ugh. I had no idea how much more work it would be to get two kids to school than it was to get one. My kids go to a private school, though, and there is a much higher level of expectation for the parents to live up to. I mean, Mondays they have to wear their PE shirts, and PE shorts are optional. My son has chapel on Wednesdays and has a certain uniform for that, and my daughter has chapel alternating Tuesdays and Wednesdays, and has a certain uniform for that. On top of that there is the optional Mileage Club shirt, for the running club that my kids are in, which can be worn on Tuesdays, and the Chess Club shirt for my son, which he would normally wear on Mondays, because that's when Chess Club meets, except that he's required to wear his PE shirt on Mondays. So, if he really wants to wear his Chess Club shirt to Chess Club, I have to remember to pack it in his backpack.
And that's just the uniforms!
I am really enjoying the quiet of the day that comes between bursts of morning and afternoon activity, though. Having the little guy over that I watch keeps me busy, but not really THAT busy. I remember when I had my first baby and I thought it was so difficult. I find it really funny now that just the one baby is such an easy thing to handle in light of my other duties!
So....now that I have served my homemade dinner, complete with chocolate cake, read a chapter from our current story to the kids and they are neatly tucked in, I must attend to the duties of preparation for tomorrow.
Let's see....tomorrow is Tuesday....now, what uniform did I say I would have to iron????
DAILY BLISS:
I served the kids their after-school snack on the porch today. It was so nice to just be outside, enjoying the afternoon storms that were rolling in, and away from the electronic gadgets that constantly pull my children's eyes away from mine.
And also, chocolate cake.

<3 Christy

August 19

DAILY BLISS: This was a drizzly, rainy sort of a day - apparently due to some sort of frontal boundary moving slowly down over the state, the particulars of which I was never privy to. However, it is a rare thing that we get rain here in central Florida without the booming accompaniment of thunder and plenty of lightning. So, I spent this blissful afternoon reading a novel on my front porch while my children enjoyed the rare privilege of splashing around in the rain outside. Perfection!

<3 Christy

Babies Everywhere!

Today, I hosted a group of mommies at my house. Everyone I know has just had babies (except me - I'm quite done with that, thank you) and I decided I would like to be the one to give them a place to congregate and have a cookie or two! So, here are the three cuties that were present today. Copious amounts of drool and many brightly colored toys were shared. Raucous fun was had by all! Oh - and the babies had a good time too.
I'm just really excited to hang out with my friends. No agendas, no Bible studies, no purpose - just being together and getting out of the house. Well, they get out of their houses. But I'm okay with that.
DAILY BLISS:
Playing chess with my son! He finally cornered me and sat me down to school me on the ways of competitive chess. Yes.....my son is on the chess team. All in all, I didn't do half bad!

<3 Christy

Delicious Obselescence

So....I had a pretty big birthday this year. A milestone. And my brothers and their wives bought me this awesome KitchenAid Artisan stand-up mixer. And it's red (as I mentioned before, my favorite appliance color!). I used it this morning to make biscuits.
I am pretty famous around these parts for making biscuits. I have a nice little pastry cutter and I don my apron and cut that cold butter right into the flour with just a flick of the wrist. Well, there is sometimes a little sweat involved - it's a big job. I decided I would give my mixer a shot at the famous biscuits. It worked beautifully! It just cut that butter right into the flour like....well....butter. And I just stood there.
Honestly, I felt a little obselete. My hands weren't getting floury or buttery. There were no white splotches on my clothes. Nothing. Not that it wasn't fabulous, and not that the biscuits didn't turn out better than I imagined they could - it's just that....well, I was hardly necessary in the process.
This creates quite a dilemma for a girl like me. I mean, I prefer hand-written thank-you notes and from-scratch cakes. But, the truth is, I didn't sweat at all and the biscuits were quite delicious. I mean, I did still have to cut the dough into little circles and put the pan in the oven and set the timer and.....I'm not totally outmoded......yet!

<3 Christy

To Sum It All Up....

Admittedly, this has been a trying week. What with sending my baby off to school, having somebody else's baby to care for, and just the regular back-to-school grind of ironing uniforms and packing snacks and water bottles, backpacks and homework, I am just exhausted. But....
My husband took me out to the movies tonight, and I wore these new shoes. Yep - that's the foot of yours truly, wearing these fabulous shoes. A dear friend was kind enough to think of me when she saw these in a store. And I'm so glad that she did. I used to say that you can never have a bad day if you're wearing pink shoes. I may have to edit that philosophy to include shoes with ribbons on them, because ladiez - mmmmm. It just makes the world right again. Really, I felt so glamorous that I was sure all those 15-year-olds-whose-ridiculous-parents-let-them-go-to-the-movies-this-late were really checking out my peds with incredulous approval! Sweet!
DAILY BLISS: Tonight's moon. It was so amazing! It looked like a low-slung lump of golden, homemade bread. Huge and gorgeous!

<3 Christy

Fried Apple Bliss

I had such goofy fun today. I found myself standing in my kitchen, my brain completely decimated after spending the afternoon with a teething baby. I was wearing an apron and making fried apples for supper (not really sure how that happened!) and singing at the top of my lungs. When I finally realized it was actually me that was standing there being so ridiculous, I really enjoyed the moment.
Yeah - I really do wear aprons. I know that this is unusual, but I have decided that I can handle the pressure of being odd. Actually, I have always been a little strange. Wearing aprons is just my latest way of letting everyone else know about it.

<3 Christy

Last-Minute Save

I didn't accomplish much today. Not that that usually bothers me. It's just that, the world seemed to be out to fight against anything I might have wanted to get done on this day. Some days just go that way, I guess.
I was sitting down earlier and trying to think through the blissful moments of my day and came up with very little. I hate it when that happens. But my brother and his wife swooped in for coffee and rescued me from my blisslessness! Had the most wonderful time hanging out with them. (I almost said "chatting" just there, but I know my brother would object fiercely to such a word being applied to him.)
And DH generously made an extra pot of decaf for me. I just can't sleep when coffee happens so close to bedtime. He had to drag an entire extra coffee pot out because everyone else wanted regular.
Two happy things just in the nick of time!

<3 Christy

Family

Best part of today: Doing my part in a family of believers. I am nestled in a circle of Christ followers...people I dearly love. Today I got to pitch in on behalf of some of them, and I so enjoyed the privilege. These days I'm working to dig down through the "stuff" the church has piled on... down to the nitty gritty of what true Christianity really means. I believe today, I experienced it. No man made rules mattered today. I just got to put feet to the love that's in my heart for some people who are precious to me. So I end the day with a satisfied sigh... this is what I'd hoped for all along.

Becky

Sniff....Snifffle...Sob

This was a pretty big day in our house! The first day of the school year for my fourth grader, and the first day of school in general for my big kindergartener. Not that she had any problem with this - oh no. She has been excited for quite some time now at the prospect of recess and field trips.
Honestly, it has really snuck up on me. I overscheduled our summer with camps and trips, and rushed through back-to-school shopping, and suddenly.....suddenly.....it was here.
We took our annual photos outside and at my son's desk, then I walked my girl to her classroom. She dutifully put her lunch ticket in the correct box (we had been through this during orientation) and turned her name card around to "check in." She hung her little tote bag up on the hook, gave me a sideways smile from her table, and ran to squeeze me one last time. I thought I saw a twinge of "I'm going to miss you Mommy" in her face, but that may have been only because I wanted it to be there so badly.
So, I was brave, and quickly pulled my giant sunglasses over my eyes as they reddened and tears almost spilled over onto my cheeks. I hurried to my car and fell apart. This is big. This is my last baby. This era of my life is now over. No turning back. Fast-forward from here on out. Tears...more tears....sniff....drive home....try not to miss the stoplights.....it was really quiet in my car.
I stumbled up the porch steps and didn't know quite what to do. So, I changed into some sweat pants and grabbed a can of chocolate frosting and some chocolate soy milk. Utter Debauchery.
All is well, though. Apparently, kindergarten is "awesome." So, she bravely forges ahead into her new territory, and I into mine.
<3 Christy

Losing Myself: Part 2

But none of this is to say that we should bury those feelings of unfulfillment. Part of knowing yourself means paying attention to those nagging little voices inside. Mine is saying that I think I’m finally ready for my life to extend beyond where I am now. I had always thought that marriage and family would be my purpose, and I have never prepared for any other eventuality. It has turned out, though, not to be my sole purpose. I think discovering my own disappointments and unhappiness is a catalyst to turning my heart outward. My children have needed me at home for a long time. But they are no longer babies.
Because I was not prepared for this, the wide-open space in front of me is rather daunting. Were it not for the fact that I now know my family career is not the only thing out there for me, I would probably be so intimidated by the wide-open that I would hide within my little family and never venture out. Thus the good comes from the bad, I guess. I suppose that now, I just keep walking into this wide open – intrepidly forging ahead – until I happen upon something that I can pick up and understand what to do with. So, I guess I find myself in this in-between place: the safety of what I have always known is behind me. It is no longer safe and happy. The unknown is before me, frightening and disconcerting in its ambiguity. But I find that, for a person like me, there is no choice at all. I can’t turn around and hide. I have to trek out there and see what there is. I’ll send you a postcard!
<3 Christy

Losing Myself: Part 1

I was watching the Today show this week, and they interviewed a woman who had written an editorial about how motherhood is boring. This was so interesting to me, as I have been pondering this very phenomenon myself! I think there are lots of women out there who feel the same way – unfulfilled, bored, tired of life-as-they-know-it. It is apparently, however, a very controversial thing to talk about publicly!
One of my passions is, well, passion. I love to find the bliss in life! I love to be around people who are living their bliss! I have fought hard to keep my sense of childlike wonder and joy. But lately, I’ve been feeling unfulfilled, bored, tired of life-as-I-know-it. So, I got to thinking about it. Why is this a common issue anyway?
I know so many little girls who are just magical. They know who they are and they know what makes them happy! When do we lose this? I think we lose it slowly, over our lifetime. The wounds we receive, even as small children begin to slowly rob us of confidence. Without confidence, we are never free to enjoy ourselves. And as we grow, we shut little parts of our selves away, quietly, and before we know what has happened, we have lost our selves completely. A lot of women realize this after they have become mothers. Sometimes I think that adding a husband and kids is just the final nail in that coffin.
We tend to view a “good mother” as one who serves constantly – does laundry, cooks, cleans, sings silly songs, reads Dr. Seuss books, you get the idea. Now, all of these are necessary tasks, but they are merely part of a job – they are not the definition of who we are. I think we lose our sense of self when we begin to define ourselves by a role that we are fulfilling. With all of this denial of one’s self, it certainly makes sense that a mother might feel bored and lost to the task. We get so caught up in trying to perform this role that we forget who we are.
But you don’t get a second chance. The years that you spend with your children shouldn’t be lost, boring years. I think good mothers should also know how to enjoy a long bath, how to find profound pleasure in the onset of a storm, how to savor some really good chocolate. Indulging in the things that bring you joy restores your heart and your confidence!
I don’t think it takes a five-step program or a lot of work, either. What makes you deeply, profoundly happy? Chances are, they are probably simple things. If you are missing them in your life, it’s only because you aren’t looking for them. All of the things I mentioned above bring me bliss. So do dancing, giant cups of coffee, and baking. Most of these things don’t take much time, I just have to take a deep breath when they come my way, and let them sink deep into my soul – you know, really enjoy them. And, I have to know what those things are so that I recognize them when they do come my way. Then, if I need an extra boost (and I usually do), I sit down at the end of my day, and remember the things that brought me deep joy. Sometimes I write them down. That way, I can linger over them even longer.
(to be continued.....)
<3 Christy

The unspiritual emotion

OK... Have you ever noticed how difficult it is to be mad and graceful at the same time? Growing up in the church, I guess I've never heard much about how to deal with anger in healthy ways. When I get angry I always feel so far from God, and so... well..... unladylike!! For some reason, I'm comfortable pouring out my pain, my joy, my embarrassment, my dreams, my faults... everything I am before God. The most private parts of my life are open and exposed to Him, but anger isn't something I feel I can dump out onto His lap. I know in my brain He isn't afraid of anything I dish out, but for some reason when I'm angry I just don't think to tell Him all about it.

So why do we try to pretend that Christians don't deal with anger? The result of this masquerade is.... well, Christians that don't deal with anger!!! Not that I have any answers, but I'm ready to honestly look at myself and my methods for dealing with angry feelings. I got irritated with my husband yesterday and just couldn’t seem to get over the angst. The result was a day feeling distanced from my man, and God, and in general feeling miserable. I’ve got to find the balance that allows me to control my emotion of anger and refuse to allow it to emerge inappropriately, and at the same time healthfully express and deal with anger so that it isn’t “stuffed.” More about this journey when I know more. Just thought in order to be real, I must post the ugly questions right along with the happy ones, right?

Rebecca

Shiny Red Metal Joy

This is all about the most romantic gift my husband has ever bought for me - my lawn mower! Now before you start thinking I'm being sarcastic or that I'm complaining about my husband, let me tell you: I asked him for it. I have always wanted one of those little, manual push-mowers. I really can't tell you why. It's probably the same reason that I wear aprons when I cook and I love to listen to records.
Maybe I'm just an old-fashioned girl. I like the idea of taking care of my lawn without producing harmful exhaust. But I also think it's just that I don't want to have to go to the gas station every time my lawn needs a haircut. Which is twice a week, sometimes thrice, in the rainy Florida summer. Plus, mechanical things don't like me. They just don't.
It's not that I was in the habit of mowing the lawn before. That's my hubby's job. He has to fool with the lawn mower just the same, though, and half the time it just won't start. I told him that if he bought me one of those cute little push mowers, I would do the lawn for him.
I would get up early in the morning, before it got hot, and mow our little patch of green heaven! It would be the ultimate test of my multi-tasking skills. I would be getting some badly-needed exercise, I would be taking care of the lawn, and I would be saving the earth all at once! I know this sounds ambitious, but I fully believed I was up to the task.
So he looked down at me (he's very tall), raised one eyebrow and said, "OK." He bought me a red one. That's my favorite appliance color.
I don't think he believed I would really do it. It's not that my intentions aren't noble. But, it's like my dad says, "It's awfully hard for a princess to do sweaty work. It might jostle the ice cubes right out of her glass."
But I DID IT!!!! I meant what I said, and I said what I meant.....an old-fashioned girl's faithful, one hundred percent! Oh wait - wrong book.
Anyway, I'm glad he thought I wouldn't do it. I'm glad he bought me that shiny, red, little mower. I'm glad I did the whole backyard without collapsing. But mostly, I'm glad he wasn't there to see that I was very sweaty. By the way, none of the ice cubes fell out of my glass!
<3 Christy

Becky's Movie Musings

Saw the movie John Tucker Must Die on Monday. It served as an appropriate end to a few action packed, interesting days. The movie, funny in some places, completely inappropriate in others, was to me a documentary about some of the interaction I’ve watched among men and women and experienced myself… before I got to the edge, that is! The girls in the movie have all been played by a gorgeous guy. They plot revenge and work together to bring him to his knees. They forge fragile friendships based on their common anger. However, when things take a turn and it seems the decoy girl might chicken out of the plan, the girls quickly return to the former argument about who should have John Tucker for her own. Though he has cheated on and lied to all of them, and in truth, deserves none of them, they would clearly rather have him, the cheater, than be on their own…. Alone.

Normally this phenomenon may have escaped my attention, but this particular time I was keenly aware of it. The girls' fear of flying solo really grabbed my attention. The movie placed a spotlight on one of the most common hurdles we face as humans: fear of the unknown! Those girls were content to settle for second best rather than take the risk of stepping out into something new. We see this behavior repeated again and again in relationships, but also in other areas of life. The worst of situations are sometimes where we prefer to stay, because the unknown is more frightening to us than our bad situation. For some, taking the risk of stepping out into something new produces paralyzing fear. Somehow we are afraid to let go and forge ahead into uncharted territory. It made me think of the edge... how I'm coming to a place where I'm tired of the safe familiarity of the way I've always been. I'm ready to enjoy living on the edge! I'm no longer afraid of the unknown, but I'm having a wonderful time exploring something new. A woman on the edge knows how to push past the fear of the unknown and enjoy the adventure life can be!! It's faith! Faith is what gets me past the scary thoughts and on to the joy of life on the edge! There is One immovable factor in my life... Jesus. My faith in His stability opens the door to new heights of passion, new possibilities of adventure. THIS is fun!!! Sorry, John Tucker! I'm off to Something more!!!

Everyday Bliss

My son had a friend sleep over last night, trying to squeeze the last bit of fun out of summer. They were very cute. My little girl, however, felt quite left out. So, we donned our little aprons and made cupcakes for the boys. She was so proud to ice those things and put sprinkles on their fluffy tops! Her face just lit up when they asked for more! The way to a man's heart, baby.
I suppose, though, the best moment of the evening was when I was driving the kids through a fast food joint for supper (man food, you see). I overheard my son telling his friend, "I can't wait for you to meet my dad! You're really going to like him. He's really cool." I wish I'd been able to get that on tape. I'm sure I'll need to replay it in about five years, just to make sure it really happened. But in the meantime, I'm reveling in my husband being an awesome dad, and in his face when I told him the news!
-Christy

Christy's Desk

This is my desk. I designed this desk three years ago. It is just now being built.
I don't really know why it's taken so long to get the project underway, but now that it's nearing the finish, I am really excited! The top is an old door that was laying around in my house when I bought it three years ago. I knew instantly that it would be a desk, as soon as I found the right bits of salvage to finish it off. I have searched for something for it to stand on: table legs, stair ballusters, and fence posts on ebay and in thrift stores and antique malls in so many places! But I found just the right pair of chippy, old farm table legs last month. You can't imagine how excited I was! I love old junk - especially junk that once was useful. Aprons, canning jars, windows - they're all gorgeous projects-in-the-making to me! I guess I believe in their intrinsic value, and I love to see them find new purpose. I love the stories that are bound up within their fibers. I'll probably never know what the stories are, but I love them just the same.
Some of the most important men in my life - my daddy, my husband and the oldest of my brothers - put a lot of sweat into my lovely desk yesterday. They thought I was a little crazy when I told them what I wanted to do. I'm frankly grateful that my husband didn't resent the hours I spent scouring for those table legs (or the shocking amount of money I invested in them!). Even my dad, who is a creative, talented craftsman, thought the whole thing was a little iffy. But the nods of approval started to flow as they explored different methods of constructing, and the pieces were put in their proper places. My dad even said he was surprised at how cool this project turned out to be. Do you have any idea how hard it is to surprise my dad?!?
I'll post some photos when it's all done. But for now, it makes me smile just to think of it sitting in the workshop, with its newly-attached feet on the ground, waiting for me to bring it back home!

Christy's Afternoon

Hey! I wrote a story about my afternoon yesterday. It may sound strange, but it's all true. If you lived in my house, you would understand!

My Afternoon

It was one of those rare, agenda-free, homemade-lunch afternoons
I sat in my husband’s recliner, poring over a new cookbook, when out of the corner of my mind’s eye, I caught a glimpse of something irresistible!

There was a cuddly little nap edging toward me!

I knew that if I stayed in the embrace of the chair, I would need a blanket to welcome it.
But, if I got up to forage for a blanket, the skittish critter would be frightened away for good.

So I crept away to my as-yet-unmade bed.

I gently un-tousled the heavy quilts and slipped under them and waited.
Naps are funny things. They’ll only come to you if you’re not interested in them.

So I pretended very hard that I wasn’t.

The phone rang and spooked it, so I reluctantly got out of bed and gave up.
My children offered sympathy, but I think they were mostly disappointed that they would once again be under my supervision.

So my daughter took my hand and led me back to bed.

She vowed to help me. She said that if I was snuggling her, perhaps I’d look disinterested enough. This would allow the nap to feel safer in its approach.
We lay there, whispering love like mothers and daughters do, each caressing the face of the other.

“Naps are invisible, you know,” she whispered.

“They sneak up from behind,” she said, and she made a pair of legs from two of her fingers. “What happens next?” I asked. “Do they sit on your head and smother you to sleep?”
“No, silly!” she said, tip-toeing the finger-legs up my cheek. “They creep, creep, creep…..

“And jump into your eye!” she exclaimed, poking me in the left one.

“OH!” I said, startled. I realized now that she was perhaps not helping as much as her good intention had promised she would.
So we enlisted the aid of her big brother. He would rather have both of us girls completely infested with naps.

That would make world domination much easier.

We girls explained the art of nap-hunting; how you must be still, alert, and nonchalant.
This art is, however, wasted on little boys. What erupted upon his entrance was a burst of guttural sound and violent movement.

Naps don’t like that sort of thing.

With an exasperated sigh, I owned the fact that this would not be the afternoon I had planned. But I did manage to surrender to the moment that presented itself. All three of us lay there, our minds no longer occupied with the hunt.
And there came flying overhead an entire flock of squealing, flapping, noisy giggles! We held out our arms in invitation.

They landed on our heads and nearly smothered us!

Woman on the Edge

Welcome to the blog for Woman on the Edge!! We exist to challenge women to live their lives with abandon. Here are some thoughts about being a woman on the edge!!

So, What Now??

When I find myself asking this question, I know I’m on the edge. How did I get to this edge in the first place? The paths I’ve chosen have all led me here, some in winding, roundabout ways. As a woman at thirty, I’m no longer a child and I’ve shed the cloak of adolescent immaturity. I’ve been through some pain and I’ve been down in a few pits. Life has surprised me with it’s messiness. I think when we reach the point where we should be living out all those little girl dreams, and we realize that those dreams have died or that once they become reality, they feel nothing like we imagined they would, then we are left with the question: What now? I see this as the edge.

I picture the edge as a dangerous place, the possibility of a fall always looming. At the edge, I’ve come away from the safe center of protective barriers I’ve created and the secure place everyone expects me to be in. I can no longer hide behind facades I’ve set up for my own protection. To get to the edge, I’ve seen fortresses crumble, the fortresses of my own idealism. I’ve witnessed the death of my happily ever after, I’ve faced the monsters of my mistakes, and I’ve dueled with my own shortcomings. I’ve removed the armor of numbness and allowed myself to deeply feel disappointment and heartache. In utter exhaustion, I’ve accepted my faults and embraced what life has really become for me. I look up from the ground and ask “What now?” I’m finally ready to explore the edge. I’m finally free, unencumbered by expectations, and I’m ready to feel, to learn, to really live. It’s here at the edge that I come face to face with my own desperate need, and it’s here I pick up the mantle of grace I’ve been carrying for years and begin to wear it because I’ve finally seen how naked I am without it. I realize that the One who has gently pulled me to the edge is the One who will keep me from tumbling over the edge. I fully understand that I must throw myself before Him with complete abandon, and I am keenly aware of how much I want to do so. I invited Him to walk with me years ago, and now He alone remains with me, having always known the faults I have just now come to accept.

In many ways I feel I’m awake for the first time. Having seen the worst of me, I see the better parts of me more vividly. Having allowed myself to acknowledge my disappointments, I feel my joys more powerfully. Sick of passing the responsibility for my happiness to other people, I’m ready to take ownership of my life. Every nerve stands on end as I explore the world around me with virgin wonder. I love more intensely, I express more passionately, and I give more freely. My arms open, my face turned up, I’m more complete than ever and I’m ready to forge ahead on life’s journey. I’m at the edge, Christ and me. I’m living in reckless abandon to Him and feeling alive for the first time. I’ve finally stopped striving to give Him a perfect me, and just given Him all of me. How odd that in taking my most dangerous risk, I finally feel true security. Life is good here, better than I ever thought it could be.