Woman on the Edge

Welcome to the blog for Woman on the Edge!! We exist to challenge women to live their lives with abandon. Here are some thoughts about being a woman on the edge!!

So, What Now??

When I find myself asking this question, I know I’m on the edge. How did I get to this edge in the first place? The paths I’ve chosen have all led me here, some in winding, roundabout ways. As a woman at thirty, I’m no longer a child and I’ve shed the cloak of adolescent immaturity. I’ve been through some pain and I’ve been down in a few pits. Life has surprised me with it’s messiness. I think when we reach the point where we should be living out all those little girl dreams, and we realize that those dreams have died or that once they become reality, they feel nothing like we imagined they would, then we are left with the question: What now? I see this as the edge.

I picture the edge as a dangerous place, the possibility of a fall always looming. At the edge, I’ve come away from the safe center of protective barriers I’ve created and the secure place everyone expects me to be in. I can no longer hide behind facades I’ve set up for my own protection. To get to the edge, I’ve seen fortresses crumble, the fortresses of my own idealism. I’ve witnessed the death of my happily ever after, I’ve faced the monsters of my mistakes, and I’ve dueled with my own shortcomings. I’ve removed the armor of numbness and allowed myself to deeply feel disappointment and heartache. In utter exhaustion, I’ve accepted my faults and embraced what life has really become for me. I look up from the ground and ask “What now?” I’m finally ready to explore the edge. I’m finally free, unencumbered by expectations, and I’m ready to feel, to learn, to really live. It’s here at the edge that I come face to face with my own desperate need, and it’s here I pick up the mantle of grace I’ve been carrying for years and begin to wear it because I’ve finally seen how naked I am without it. I realize that the One who has gently pulled me to the edge is the One who will keep me from tumbling over the edge. I fully understand that I must throw myself before Him with complete abandon, and I am keenly aware of how much I want to do so. I invited Him to walk with me years ago, and now He alone remains with me, having always known the faults I have just now come to accept.

In many ways I feel I’m awake for the first time. Having seen the worst of me, I see the better parts of me more vividly. Having allowed myself to acknowledge my disappointments, I feel my joys more powerfully. Sick of passing the responsibility for my happiness to other people, I’m ready to take ownership of my life. Every nerve stands on end as I explore the world around me with virgin wonder. I love more intensely, I express more passionately, and I give more freely. My arms open, my face turned up, I’m more complete than ever and I’m ready to forge ahead on life’s journey. I’m at the edge, Christ and me. I’m living in reckless abandon to Him and feeling alive for the first time. I’ve finally stopped striving to give Him a perfect me, and just given Him all of me. How odd that in taking my most dangerous risk, I finally feel true security. Life is good here, better than I ever thought it could be.