We've been havin' too much fun! Here's what we did today:
It's been too long since me and my sis had church together. This is us at Riverside this morning. We are havin' an awesome time in case ya can't tell.
Man, I needed this!!
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Too Much Fun
My KIDS ARE HOME!! YAY! And they brought my sister with 'em!
We've been havin' too much fun! Here's what we did today:
It's been too long since me and my sis had church together. This is us at Riverside this morning. We are havin' an awesome time in case ya can't tell.
Man, I needed this!!
We've been havin' too much fun! Here's what we did today:
It's been too long since me and my sis had church together. This is us at Riverside this morning. We are havin' an awesome time in case ya can't tell.
Man, I needed this!!
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Jis' So Ya Know
Doin' ok today. Still lonely. But I woke up with a thought today... This is IT.
This is the real thing. This is what being a believer is all about. Nothing I say or feel surprises Him. So I woke up lonely. And guess what? I had Someone to discuss the loneliness with, Someone to take it to. It's still there, but Jesus is carrying it... and me.
Isn't that good? Isn't it good that every moment my heart is held by God Himself? Isn't it good that He understands even the stuff that I can't express?
I gotta admit, there's a dread in the pit of my stomach at the idea of facing this day in and day out. Looking at the long term responsibility that falls on my shoulders alone is staggering. BUT... I don't have to deal with the long term all at once. I simply have to breathe this breath. And the next. Just today.
And today, Jesus is enough. He will be enough tomorrow too.
This is the real thing. This is what being a believer is all about. Nothing I say or feel surprises Him. So I woke up lonely. And guess what? I had Someone to discuss the loneliness with, Someone to take it to. It's still there, but Jesus is carrying it... and me.
Isn't that good? Isn't it good that every moment my heart is held by God Himself? Isn't it good that He understands even the stuff that I can't express?
I gotta admit, there's a dread in the pit of my stomach at the idea of facing this day in and day out. Looking at the long term responsibility that falls on my shoulders alone is staggering. BUT... I don't have to deal with the long term all at once. I simply have to breathe this breath. And the next. Just today.
And today, Jesus is enough. He will be enough tomorrow too.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
A Low
I like authenticity. It's a pillar of what Woman on the Edge is all about. Therefore, I blog lows along with the highs.
This one's a low.
Woke up cryin' again today. (Hey that sounds like a line in a country song...) Today has been a lonely day. Oh, I've been going nonstop all day and surrounded by people for most of the day. But before I got out of the cocoon created by my sheets and comforter, I felt it. And now that I'm about to return to my bed, it's still there. It's been there all day, screaming at me over the noise of life.
Loneliness.
Not just missing-the-kids kind of loneliness. Worse than that. It's the no-one-grown-up-to-share-my-life-with, he-really-didn't-want-me-anymore, what's-wrong-with-me kind of loneliness. It's being stood up: for life. God, it hurts.
Ever the optimist, I must say it's good to be digging down through another layer of this grief. That means if I keep digging I'll eventually hear the clank as my shovel hits the treasure chest, right? It's good to be processing another phase of this ordeal. It's better than living in misery and doing God knows what to distract myself, and never facing what's really the problem.
I'm told that this kind of loneliness is a constant in the life of a single mom, but that it won't always scream this loud. Lord, I hope it won't.
I suppose readers of this blog might tire of this journey. Hell, I'm sick of it too some days. To many it could seem that this should be easier by now. And in some ways, it is getting easier. I apologize if you are tired of hearing the grief. My hope is that somewhere out there, there may be someone who needs to see or hear or read that there is life in the midst of grief. There is One who gives hope to all who mourn. And so in the interest of letting someone inside my heart to witness the way a Christ follower copes with devastation, I write. Of the good and of the bad, I write.
And today was "the bad."
But I am determined to go on. Me and Jesus, we go on. We look this loneliness in the face and go on. Tomorrow morning brings new mercies. Lord knows I need 'em.
This one's a low.
Woke up cryin' again today. (Hey that sounds like a line in a country song...) Today has been a lonely day. Oh, I've been going nonstop all day and surrounded by people for most of the day. But before I got out of the cocoon created by my sheets and comforter, I felt it. And now that I'm about to return to my bed, it's still there. It's been there all day, screaming at me over the noise of life.
Loneliness.
Not just missing-the-kids kind of loneliness. Worse than that. It's the no-one-grown-up-to-share-my-life-with, he-really-didn't-want-me-anymore, what's-wrong-with-me kind of loneliness. It's being stood up: for life. God, it hurts.
Ever the optimist, I must say it's good to be digging down through another layer of this grief. That means if I keep digging I'll eventually hear the clank as my shovel hits the treasure chest, right? It's good to be processing another phase of this ordeal. It's better than living in misery and doing God knows what to distract myself, and never facing what's really the problem.
I'm told that this kind of loneliness is a constant in the life of a single mom, but that it won't always scream this loud. Lord, I hope it won't.
I suppose readers of this blog might tire of this journey. Hell, I'm sick of it too some days. To many it could seem that this should be easier by now. And in some ways, it is getting easier. I apologize if you are tired of hearing the grief. My hope is that somewhere out there, there may be someone who needs to see or hear or read that there is life in the midst of grief. There is One who gives hope to all who mourn. And so in the interest of letting someone inside my heart to witness the way a Christ follower copes with devastation, I write. Of the good and of the bad, I write.
And today was "the bad."
But I am determined to go on. Me and Jesus, we go on. We look this loneliness in the face and go on. Tomorrow morning brings new mercies. Lord knows I need 'em.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Easter Alone
On Saturday I sent my kids to be with their dad for spring break. Bereft doesn't begin to describe how I felt. My heart slammed into the wall of reality as I faced a week alone. Fortunately, I had a good friend to stand, or drive, beside me the whole way. She let me cry and vent all I needed.
I got home and wandered aimlessly around my empty house. I thought about going to a movie, or going to the store. Anything to get away from the loneliness. But finally, I decided no. I would face this week alone. God and I will face it. He has things to tell me and I will not run. That decided, I settled in with some mint chocolate chip ice cream and had a rather peaceful evening.
Sunday, Easter morning, I woke up crying. Not unusual for me these days. My first thought was of Jesus and His first words to Mary on that very first Easter day. "Why are you crying?" I realized that I wouldn't be the first weeping woman that Jesus encountered on Easter. I also realized that the same eyes that saw Mary that morning long ago see me now. I spent the morning in quiet, getting ready for the busy times ahead during worship services.
As I was headed out my door to walk over to church, I noticed a pretty Easter flag had been placed in my yard. From a distance I could see a bright colored cross on the flag, but as I approached, I saw that the cross was actually a formation of butterflies. And printed over and over on the flag is the verse II Corinthians 5:17, the very reference that is tattooed on my back just underneath a butterfly. "If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. Old things are passed away. Behold, ALL THINGS ARE MADE NEW."
Talk about a love note from God! Hand delivered by a sister from my amazing church family. A perfect start to a new beginning. I had been apprehensive about this Easter alone. It turned out to be the most meaningful Easter I can remember. Music and memories, friendship and fondue, singing and sleeping. All those things were involved in the loveliness of the day. But the best part is, that God took my lonely heart, wrapped it up tight in His love, whispered to it His secrets, and covered it with a blanket of grace. He turned my loneliness into an opportunity to really see Him.
He is risen! He is risen indeed! He is risen IN ME!
I got home and wandered aimlessly around my empty house. I thought about going to a movie, or going to the store. Anything to get away from the loneliness. But finally, I decided no. I would face this week alone. God and I will face it. He has things to tell me and I will not run. That decided, I settled in with some mint chocolate chip ice cream and had a rather peaceful evening.
Sunday, Easter morning, I woke up crying. Not unusual for me these days. My first thought was of Jesus and His first words to Mary on that very first Easter day. "Why are you crying?" I realized that I wouldn't be the first weeping woman that Jesus encountered on Easter. I also realized that the same eyes that saw Mary that morning long ago see me now. I spent the morning in quiet, getting ready for the busy times ahead during worship services.
As I was headed out my door to walk over to church, I noticed a pretty Easter flag had been placed in my yard. From a distance I could see a bright colored cross on the flag, but as I approached, I saw that the cross was actually a formation of butterflies. And printed over and over on the flag is the verse II Corinthians 5:17, the very reference that is tattooed on my back just underneath a butterfly. "If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. Old things are passed away. Behold, ALL THINGS ARE MADE NEW."
Talk about a love note from God! Hand delivered by a sister from my amazing church family. A perfect start to a new beginning. I had been apprehensive about this Easter alone. It turned out to be the most meaningful Easter I can remember. Music and memories, friendship and fondue, singing and sleeping. All those things were involved in the loveliness of the day. But the best part is, that God took my lonely heart, wrapped it up tight in His love, whispered to it His secrets, and covered it with a blanket of grace. He turned my loneliness into an opportunity to really see Him.
He is risen! He is risen indeed! He is risen IN ME!
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Sunday School
Well... we don't call it that anymore. But I sure got SCHOOLED today!!
My awesome Bible study leader, (you totally rock, Kim) reminded me of something amazing today. We were talking over the story of Jesus calming the storm in Luke 8:22-25. Kim was reminding us that we often skip to the application idea that Jesus can calm the "storms of life." We often minimize the actual physical miracle that took place in that moment when Almighty God lifted His hand and ordered a massive storm to stop... and it did. I had my HCSB with me today, and in that translation it says the disciples "were swamped and were in danger." Boy, have I felt that lately!!
But back to the point: they were in REAL PHYSICAL DANGER from the storm. And the REAL Son of God simply spoke and nature obeyed Him as if she were His handmaiden. "Yes, sir. Anything You say, Sir."
THAT, my friends, is the kind of power possessed by the One who is in total control of my life. EVERYTHING that is happening to me is completely subject to Him. Ya'll, I am in the boat with Him, and sometimes I totally feel like screaming the disciples' cry of "MASTER, MASTER, WE ARE GOING TO DIE!!" But ya know what? He is totally capable of calming the proverbial "storm of life" that I am in right now, but even more, He rules over even the physical wind and sea. And somehow...
Somehow that makes it all ok.
Today's happy notes: The music of little voices in my house.
Mackenzie: (singing a Barlowe Girl song) "I may not be a star, but can I still be someonnnnne?"
Levi: (matter of fact-ly) "You could be a farmer."
My awesome Bible study leader, (you totally rock, Kim) reminded me of something amazing today. We were talking over the story of Jesus calming the storm in Luke 8:22-25. Kim was reminding us that we often skip to the application idea that Jesus can calm the "storms of life." We often minimize the actual physical miracle that took place in that moment when Almighty God lifted His hand and ordered a massive storm to stop... and it did. I had my HCSB with me today, and in that translation it says the disciples "were swamped and were in danger." Boy, have I felt that lately!!
But back to the point: they were in REAL PHYSICAL DANGER from the storm. And the REAL Son of God simply spoke and nature obeyed Him as if she were His handmaiden. "Yes, sir. Anything You say, Sir."
THAT, my friends, is the kind of power possessed by the One who is in total control of my life. EVERYTHING that is happening to me is completely subject to Him. Ya'll, I am in the boat with Him, and sometimes I totally feel like screaming the disciples' cry of "MASTER, MASTER, WE ARE GOING TO DIE!!" But ya know what? He is totally capable of calming the proverbial "storm of life" that I am in right now, but even more, He rules over even the physical wind and sea. And somehow...
Somehow that makes it all ok.
Today's happy notes: The music of little voices in my house.
Mackenzie: (singing a Barlowe Girl song) "I may not be a star, but can I still be someonnnnne?"
Levi: (matter of fact-ly) "You could be a farmer."
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Grace Giver
OK, Brain chaos is subsiding. Something has occurred to me. I LOVE MY LIFE. And if you have been reading this blog, no I haven't lost my mind. In the middle of all this, pain and grief and yucky stuff, I am so blessed. I get to be a speaker, which I LOVE. I have 2 awesome kids whom I ADORE. I have a good job, great friends (some who even get solidarity tattoos), the most wonderful church family EVER, and to top it all off, I got Jesus. Jesus, who is my ever present Help, my best friend, my deepest love, my everything. I just plain enjoy Him.
Its not that my pain has subsided. It hasn't. But the miracle of God's grace in my life means that even on the dark, sad, terrible days I can still love to live. I can still love my life. Wild, wonderful, sad, heartbreaking, exciting, intense as it is, my life sometimes overwhelms me. But I still love it. Ya'll, that is a TOTAL GOD THING!
I only have one small complaint today. Dog poop. It's no secret I'm not a real animal lover. But I tolerate some animals. I don't own any myself, but some I tolerate mainly because they belong to people I love and so I deal with them in order to spend time with their people. I gotta tell ya, though, the roads in hell are paved with dog poop. It has to be true. That is the stinkiest, most disgusting, most irritating stuff I know of. It caused the loss of a pair of shoes tonight, shoes I really liked. Wonderful shoes, sacrificed on the altar of disgustingness because I couldn't deal with cleaning them off. Oh I tried. But the gag reflex just kept on coming. So I'm left bereft of one pair of shoes and in a quandry. Why, I ask. Why would anyone want to have dog poop as a significant part of his or her life? Or maybe they wouldn't. That could be why said poop ended up in the yard of a person like me who strives for a dog poop-free existence. Mystery of life, I tell ya.
That's all for my rant.
I really do love my life. Perhaps I'm in the eye of a storm. Maybe I'm experiencing a few moments of clarity in the middle of this chaotic week. Perhaps I'm fooling myself. Nevertheless I will enjoy this. The feeling and knowing that in spite of and in the middle of grief, my life is blessed. There is no reason for this, other than GRACE. That is why my whole being belongs to the Grace Giver. That and I'm pretty sure He doesn't own a dog! He's more of a cattle owner, I understand. Has a thousand hills of em I've heard...
Time for bed. G'night!
Its not that my pain has subsided. It hasn't. But the miracle of God's grace in my life means that even on the dark, sad, terrible days I can still love to live. I can still love my life. Wild, wonderful, sad, heartbreaking, exciting, intense as it is, my life sometimes overwhelms me. But I still love it. Ya'll, that is a TOTAL GOD THING!
I only have one small complaint today. Dog poop. It's no secret I'm not a real animal lover. But I tolerate some animals. I don't own any myself, but some I tolerate mainly because they belong to people I love and so I deal with them in order to spend time with their people. I gotta tell ya, though, the roads in hell are paved with dog poop. It has to be true. That is the stinkiest, most disgusting, most irritating stuff I know of. It caused the loss of a pair of shoes tonight, shoes I really liked. Wonderful shoes, sacrificed on the altar of disgustingness because I couldn't deal with cleaning them off. Oh I tried. But the gag reflex just kept on coming. So I'm left bereft of one pair of shoes and in a quandry. Why, I ask. Why would anyone want to have dog poop as a significant part of his or her life? Or maybe they wouldn't. That could be why said poop ended up in the yard of a person like me who strives for a dog poop-free existence. Mystery of life, I tell ya.
That's all for my rant.
I really do love my life. Perhaps I'm in the eye of a storm. Maybe I'm experiencing a few moments of clarity in the middle of this chaotic week. Perhaps I'm fooling myself. Nevertheless I will enjoy this. The feeling and knowing that in spite of and in the middle of grief, my life is blessed. There is no reason for this, other than GRACE. That is why my whole being belongs to the Grace Giver. That and I'm pretty sure He doesn't own a dog! He's more of a cattle owner, I understand. Has a thousand hills of em I've heard...
Time for bed. G'night!
Monday, March 10, 2008
Tazmanian Devil
Right now my brain is in total chaos. Do you ever have so many ideas, so much information, things to remember, things to do, rolling around in your head that you feel you might go right on off the deep end? THAT'S ME RIGHT NOW!!
I have messages to prepare for two social worker appreciation luncheons I'll be speaking for this week, I'll be leading worship at church this Sunday, so I need to plan that, I'll be playing for a wedding on Saturday, and I'm putting together a big event at work, plus I need to mop my floor, scrub my countertops, pay some bills, and wash my car. So what am I doing about it?? I'm writing a blog, that's what I'm doing!!
Know what I wish I could do? I wish I could move like the Tazmanian Devil could on Looney Tunes when I was a kid. That crazy guy could whirl around everywhere and he moved so fast it made your head spin. Of course, now that I think about it, he couldn't speak coherently could he? Maybe I'm better off with the spunk of Daffy Duck. Then again, Bugs Bunny's eloquence could really come in handy. Gimme some of Wiley Coyote's determination and Smurfette's feminine appeal and I could REALLY go somewhere!!
Ah well... I suppose I'll just settle for plain ol' me. And one thing at a time I'll grab the stuff that is swirling and flying about in my head and nail each thing down somewhere. One thing at a time. So if I don't post for a few days, you know what I'm up to.
That's all, Folks!!! :)
I have messages to prepare for two social worker appreciation luncheons I'll be speaking for this week, I'll be leading worship at church this Sunday, so I need to plan that, I'll be playing for a wedding on Saturday, and I'm putting together a big event at work, plus I need to mop my floor, scrub my countertops, pay some bills, and wash my car. So what am I doing about it?? I'm writing a blog, that's what I'm doing!!
Know what I wish I could do? I wish I could move like the Tazmanian Devil could on Looney Tunes when I was a kid. That crazy guy could whirl around everywhere and he moved so fast it made your head spin. Of course, now that I think about it, he couldn't speak coherently could he? Maybe I'm better off with the spunk of Daffy Duck. Then again, Bugs Bunny's eloquence could really come in handy. Gimme some of Wiley Coyote's determination and Smurfette's feminine appeal and I could REALLY go somewhere!!
Ah well... I suppose I'll just settle for plain ol' me. And one thing at a time I'll grab the stuff that is swirling and flying about in my head and nail each thing down somewhere. One thing at a time. So if I don't post for a few days, you know what I'm up to.
That's all, Folks!!! :)
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
OK, This one, too!
OK, I couldn't resist this one either. This is Mackenzie in conversation with a church friend and neighbor. Also taken at the 54th anniversary celebration. I love this moment. This one makes a Mama proud!
Jis' HADTA
I simply HAD to post this picture. It was taken at our church's 54th anniversary. Only I know the inexplicable comfort that comes from holding my babies. But somehow it was captured for me in this picture. I love it.
Monday, March 03, 2008
Firsts
I colored my hair. All by myself. Well, actually my ten year old daughter did the spots I couldn't reach. It turned out great!! Not bad for my first crack at home hair coloring! The only casualties were a ruined towel and tank top, which are now my "hair color stuff." So now my hair is colored "chocolate cherry" and I really like it! Sort of a funky too red to be brown, to brown to be red, too light to be black, too dark to be brunette color. All in all, a successful first.
I like firsts. There's something to be said for the comfort of the familiar. But now that I'm forced into a world of firsts, I must say I have a growing appreciation for the wonder and surprise of a first time.
I'm racking up quite a list of first times. And though I hope you, reader, never have to experience some of the firsts I've been encountering, I hope you DO get to walk through your own firsts with the wonder of a child, trusting the same God that is sustaining me as I toddle through every one of these shaky first steps.
I'm going to bed now. I'm sleeping on the first bedding set I've ever purchased on no one's opinion but my own. I'll need to rest up for tomorrow, when I'll get in the first car I've ever bought by myself, pop in the first CD I've ever bought FOR myself, turn it up loud and drive to the first job I've ever had in the assisted living business, where I'll put in the hours I need to support myself and my kids alone for the first time. Hey, I'm on a roll! Maybe I'll come home and make cornish game hens for supper. It'd be a first!!
I like firsts. There's something to be said for the comfort of the familiar. But now that I'm forced into a world of firsts, I must say I have a growing appreciation for the wonder and surprise of a first time.
I'm racking up quite a list of first times. And though I hope you, reader, never have to experience some of the firsts I've been encountering, I hope you DO get to walk through your own firsts with the wonder of a child, trusting the same God that is sustaining me as I toddle through every one of these shaky first steps.
I'm going to bed now. I'm sleeping on the first bedding set I've ever purchased on no one's opinion but my own. I'll need to rest up for tomorrow, when I'll get in the first car I've ever bought by myself, pop in the first CD I've ever bought FOR myself, turn it up loud and drive to the first job I've ever had in the assisted living business, where I'll put in the hours I need to support myself and my kids alone for the first time. Hey, I'm on a roll! Maybe I'll come home and make cornish game hens for supper. It'd be a first!!
Sunday, March 02, 2008
Broken Happy Birthday
Well, I did it. I made it through another milestone. I turned 32 yesterday. It wasn't the happiest birthday I've ever had. Happy birthday seems like a mean joke this year. I've been dreading this birthday. How can one have a happy birthday when a person she loves and a person she thought loved her has walked away?
I'll tell you how.
She learns to redefine happy. She learns that even though life isn't what she had envisioned for herself, it doesn't have to be miserable. In fact, she lets herself open up to new ideas of what happiness is, and enjoy things she somehow missed before. She goes to the zoo with her kids, and lets herself notice how blue their eyes are, how perfect the weather is, and how fun it is to live in New Orleans. She goes to dinner with some of her favorite people in the world, and lets herself appreciate having just who she wants around her on that day. She lets herself laugh and lets herself eat a lovely piece of cheesecake. She finally, on her birthday, lets herself accept that a part of her has died, but a new part must now be born. She gets yellow roses and a heartfelt letter from a friend. She goes to sleep with her babies in her arms, peacefully knowing that the day she dreaded was a happy one after all.
That's how she--- I, had a broken and happy birthday.
I'll tell you how.
She learns to redefine happy. She learns that even though life isn't what she had envisioned for herself, it doesn't have to be miserable. In fact, she lets herself open up to new ideas of what happiness is, and enjoy things she somehow missed before. She goes to the zoo with her kids, and lets herself notice how blue their eyes are, how perfect the weather is, and how fun it is to live in New Orleans. She goes to dinner with some of her favorite people in the world, and lets herself appreciate having just who she wants around her on that day. She lets herself laugh and lets herself eat a lovely piece of cheesecake. She finally, on her birthday, lets herself accept that a part of her has died, but a new part must now be born. She gets yellow roses and a heartfelt letter from a friend. She goes to sleep with her babies in her arms, peacefully knowing that the day she dreaded was a happy one after all.
That's how she--- I, had a broken and happy birthday.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Joy
Mommy: "Guess who I love?"
Levi: "ME!"
Mommy: "That's RIGHT! How'd you know that?"
Levi: (With 5 year old boy exasperation) "BECAUSE, you telled it to me a million days!!"
Mommy: (laying on the bed with Mackenzie early in the morning to wake her up) "Hey, Love. Time to wake up."
Mackenzie: "Hey."
We lie there.
Mackenzie: "Mom?"
Mommy: "Yeah?"
Mackenzie: "Just so you know, you have two white hairs right there and right there on your head. Not gray hair, just white."
Mommy: "Thanks, Kenz. Guess that means we get to pick out a new hair color, right?"
Mackenzie giggles like crazy.
Thank God for my kids.
Levi: "ME!"
Mommy: "That's RIGHT! How'd you know that?"
Levi: (With 5 year old boy exasperation) "BECAUSE, you telled it to me a million days!!"
Mommy: (laying on the bed with Mackenzie early in the morning to wake her up) "Hey, Love. Time to wake up."
Mackenzie: "Hey."
We lie there.
Mackenzie: "Mom?"
Mommy: "Yeah?"
Mackenzie: "Just so you know, you have two white hairs right there and right there on your head. Not gray hair, just white."
Mommy: "Thanks, Kenz. Guess that means we get to pick out a new hair color, right?"
Mackenzie giggles like crazy.
Thank God for my kids.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Hope Indeed
Ever feel like your emotions got hooked up to a bungee cord? I do, right now. I'm all over the place!
I had a most fabulous weekend speaking at the state Acteens conference. Brought back some good memories of being an acteen when I was younger, and I met some wonderful girls. I was a little nervous about speaking to teens because I usually deal with grown up ladies. But I forgot how much fun teens can be, how smart they are, and how they have a way of appreciating the real and raw of life. I had a few tears thinking that I was their age when Jesus swept me off my feet, and where would I be right now if He had not? Wow. I'm surviving right now, literally staking my life on something that started at 12 years old when I gave Jesus my life and at 15 when I said yes to His call. And right now I need Him so much. I know I would be suffocating if He weren't here to breathe for me. And it all started back then, when i had no idea what I was getting into. Plus, I met a totally awesome band! Check em out!
Other end of the bungee, my heart is bleeding profusely. The whole "ash heap" thing is intense enough, and some other stuff has come to light that intensifies my pain even more. And I must admit, sparks my anger even hotter. I did let it spew, directed thankfully at the appropriate person. It was a strange thing, letting myself express anger that intensely. It wasn't pretty for one thing. It was a while before I could breathe again once it was over. I suppose that was a combination of the bronchial plague I've been fighting for a few weeks and the intensity of my emotion. I can't say it felt good. It was hellish, actually. But I can say that I feel a shift in my grief. Not sure its a shift away from anger, but maybe it is. The heat is gone, but it's replaced with a sorrow and sadness that catches my breath. It is almost as if I can see more clearly, as if I can finally take in the whole of what has happened to me. I feel like a severely maimed accident victim who has just regained consciousness and looked in the mirror at her injuries. I can see it all now. And I want to scream. Not from anger anymore but because it just hurts so much.
I just can't leave you with those words. So I'll go on to tell you something that is holding me up right now. My sweet friend Alli sent me a book that I love. One of the short chapters was about suffering. It made the point that we can't understand suffering. It always has been and always will be a mystery. But the author rightly pointed out that where there is suffering, there is love. If you look at a nurse who cares for sick children, a counselor who binds emotional wounds, a missionary who sees untold atrocities, or a soldier who holds a refugee child, you see suffering countered by love. I have no idea why I suffer as I do. But I know, thank God, that where my suffering is, there is Love. There is God. And He is love. And He is the One who holds me when I cry, listens to my insides scream, and even heard the seething anger explode from me. He is the Love that is present even right now as I suffer. That is hope indeed.
I had a most fabulous weekend speaking at the state Acteens conference. Brought back some good memories of being an acteen when I was younger, and I met some wonderful girls. I was a little nervous about speaking to teens because I usually deal with grown up ladies. But I forgot how much fun teens can be, how smart they are, and how they have a way of appreciating the real and raw of life. I had a few tears thinking that I was their age when Jesus swept me off my feet, and where would I be right now if He had not? Wow. I'm surviving right now, literally staking my life on something that started at 12 years old when I gave Jesus my life and at 15 when I said yes to His call. And right now I need Him so much. I know I would be suffocating if He weren't here to breathe for me. And it all started back then, when i had no idea what I was getting into. Plus, I met a totally awesome band! Check em out!
Other end of the bungee, my heart is bleeding profusely. The whole "ash heap" thing is intense enough, and some other stuff has come to light that intensifies my pain even more. And I must admit, sparks my anger even hotter. I did let it spew, directed thankfully at the appropriate person. It was a strange thing, letting myself express anger that intensely. It wasn't pretty for one thing. It was a while before I could breathe again once it was over. I suppose that was a combination of the bronchial plague I've been fighting for a few weeks and the intensity of my emotion. I can't say it felt good. It was hellish, actually. But I can say that I feel a shift in my grief. Not sure its a shift away from anger, but maybe it is. The heat is gone, but it's replaced with a sorrow and sadness that catches my breath. It is almost as if I can see more clearly, as if I can finally take in the whole of what has happened to me. I feel like a severely maimed accident victim who has just regained consciousness and looked in the mirror at her injuries. I can see it all now. And I want to scream. Not from anger anymore but because it just hurts so much.
I just can't leave you with those words. So I'll go on to tell you something that is holding me up right now. My sweet friend Alli sent me a book that I love. One of the short chapters was about suffering. It made the point that we can't understand suffering. It always has been and always will be a mystery. But the author rightly pointed out that where there is suffering, there is love. If you look at a nurse who cares for sick children, a counselor who binds emotional wounds, a missionary who sees untold atrocities, or a soldier who holds a refugee child, you see suffering countered by love. I have no idea why I suffer as I do. But I know, thank God, that where my suffering is, there is Love. There is God. And He is love. And He is the One who holds me when I cry, listens to my insides scream, and even heard the seething anger explode from me. He is the Love that is present even right now as I suffer. That is hope indeed.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Survivin'
Right now I feel like one of those guys on one of those survival shows on TV. Just me and my ingenuity against the elements. I'm having to get creative in order to make it from one day to the next. Forget luxuries like caught-up laundry, cleaned-off countertops, or home-packed lunches. We are down to the bare basics. Enough clean clothes for today and tomorrow, enough lunch money for school lunches, and enough... just enough... energy to make it through until bedtime.
So even though Martha Stewart LIVE isn't coming to do a documentary on my homemaking skills, and Parenting Magazine isn't tracking me for Mom of the Year, I'm surviving. I kissed my babies goodnight, soaking in their sweet smiles, and I'm off to bed myself. Gotta rest up for another day in the jungle that is single parenthood!!
Having it all together seems like a faraway dream right now. I am SO not together. But I'm alive. And my children are alive and well. And I'm grateful for that. We are going to make it. We ARE making it. Thank God, we are survivin'!
So even though Martha Stewart LIVE isn't coming to do a documentary on my homemaking skills, and Parenting Magazine isn't tracking me for Mom of the Year, I'm surviving. I kissed my babies goodnight, soaking in their sweet smiles, and I'm off to bed myself. Gotta rest up for another day in the jungle that is single parenthood!!
Having it all together seems like a faraway dream right now. I am SO not together. But I'm alive. And my children are alive and well. And I'm grateful for that. We are going to make it. We ARE making it. Thank God, we are survivin'!
Monday, February 11, 2008
The Ash Heap
So I went to counseling today. I've been trying hard to process my grief, but it's kind of difficult when I must put my feelings away for about 23 and 1/2 of every 24 hours so that I can hold down a job and be a mommy. I've had some really angry stuff that I've been needing to write out and process, but I haven't had the time or frankly the courage to do so.
But today my counselor taught me something profound. Processing the anger and pain are just part of grieving. My homework is to spend some time just taking stock of what I'm feeling. Just to feel it. Not solve it. Just feel it.
Just "sit in the ash heap" so to speak and survey the damage. And though I'm scared out of my wits to try to look at the gory scene that is on the inside of me, I'm also feeling a strange peace at the idea of having permission to simply feel what I'm feeling. I don't have to be brave, or try to explain it, rationalize it, or justify it. I can simply let myself feel it.
And though I know the ash heap is a place I'll go all by myself, I had to wonder if anyone else struggles as I do with allowing yourself to just feel what you feel and let it be what it is. I have such a tendency to try to force it to be ok. But its not ok, not at all. And right now, it's nice to know I don't have to pretend it is.
But today my counselor taught me something profound. Processing the anger and pain are just part of grieving. My homework is to spend some time just taking stock of what I'm feeling. Just to feel it. Not solve it. Just feel it.
Just "sit in the ash heap" so to speak and survey the damage. And though I'm scared out of my wits to try to look at the gory scene that is on the inside of me, I'm also feeling a strange peace at the idea of having permission to simply feel what I'm feeling. I don't have to be brave, or try to explain it, rationalize it, or justify it. I can simply let myself feel it.
And though I know the ash heap is a place I'll go all by myself, I had to wonder if anyone else struggles as I do with allowing yourself to just feel what you feel and let it be what it is. I have such a tendency to try to force it to be ok. But its not ok, not at all. And right now, it's nice to know I don't have to pretend it is.
Monday, February 04, 2008
Happy Mardi Gras!
And here you have my sweet babies and some of their parade loot! We've also collected a total of 4 babies from various king cakes. A Mardi Gras ball has been attended (see below) and drunken foolishness has been observed along parade routes. We've taken in a total of 3 parades, but tomorrow, Fat Tuesday, will be spent peacefully at home.
And here I am celebrating with one of the residents at the assisted living home where I work. Mr. John and I were partying at the Mardi Gras ball. We are having just as much fun as we appear to be having! Guess it takes oh, 70 or 80 Mardi Gras celebrations to get it all down pat, since our residents sure know how to do it right!
It's interesting to think that for most of my life, January and February meant nothing much. I mean, most of Florida where I grew up is business as usual right now, and here I am in the middle of a major holiday. It's what I love about this city. You can always find a party going on.
So if you don't happen to be in the middle of it, I'll let a good time or two roll for you. Party on.
Saturday, February 02, 2008
I guess we'll see...
Tonight I went out. Alone.
I saw a movie all by myself. It was strangely enjoyable. Wistfully pleasant.
It's not easy to parent solo, and I really didn't like who I was today. I don't want my pain to be dumped on my babies. Some days I feel like a total failure as a mother. So while they were with friends, I decided to have some sanity time. So I went to a movie, I even splurged on movie food and a grown-up treat.
It was a little weird. I've never done that before. Isn't that strange? Never in my life have I gone to a movie alone just because I wanted to go. Felt kind of overindulgent, maybe a little awkward.
There isn't really a how-to for picking up the pieces of yourself, but as I'm doing just that, I'm seeing pieces I didn't know were there. On the one hand, it's kind of fun to get to explore the jigsaw puzzle that is me. And on the other hand, I feel shattered into so many pieces... it's definitely not something that can be done in one sitting. I have to work at it when I have the strength, and then stop for a while. I'll come back to it later.
It's interesting to be alone for the first time at 31. I've never been alone. I shared a room with my sister and then went directly into marriage at 18. I've lived my entire life in close proximity to other people. I'm the type of person who likes people around. It's funny, though, what grief will do to you. When you grieve, isolation threatens to suck you into its black hole. It feels good to be alone. I don't have to face anyone or answer to anyone or let anyone see how not-ok I am. And some moments... like tonight... I could imagine spending long periods of time alone, never facing another individual, and be totally ok with that.
I've never HAD time alone, so I guess now that I am alone, I'm not quite sure what to do with that. At times like tonight I have an overwhelming desire to close the door to my room and never come out. And at times, the knowledge that I am alone brings such pain I can hardly stand the thought of it. I'm just not sure how much isolation is enough. How much is right for me? I suppose that's one thing I'll have to explore, until I find just the right combination of companionship and solitude. A combination that gives me enough alone time to remember who I am, and enough connection to live out who I am.
For a person who has never indulged before, I guess we'll see how I handle my solitude. :)
I saw a movie all by myself. It was strangely enjoyable. Wistfully pleasant.
It's not easy to parent solo, and I really didn't like who I was today. I don't want my pain to be dumped on my babies. Some days I feel like a total failure as a mother. So while they were with friends, I decided to have some sanity time. So I went to a movie, I even splurged on movie food and a grown-up treat.
It was a little weird. I've never done that before. Isn't that strange? Never in my life have I gone to a movie alone just because I wanted to go. Felt kind of overindulgent, maybe a little awkward.
There isn't really a how-to for picking up the pieces of yourself, but as I'm doing just that, I'm seeing pieces I didn't know were there. On the one hand, it's kind of fun to get to explore the jigsaw puzzle that is me. And on the other hand, I feel shattered into so many pieces... it's definitely not something that can be done in one sitting. I have to work at it when I have the strength, and then stop for a while. I'll come back to it later.
It's interesting to be alone for the first time at 31. I've never been alone. I shared a room with my sister and then went directly into marriage at 18. I've lived my entire life in close proximity to other people. I'm the type of person who likes people around. It's funny, though, what grief will do to you. When you grieve, isolation threatens to suck you into its black hole. It feels good to be alone. I don't have to face anyone or answer to anyone or let anyone see how not-ok I am. And some moments... like tonight... I could imagine spending long periods of time alone, never facing another individual, and be totally ok with that.
I've never HAD time alone, so I guess now that I am alone, I'm not quite sure what to do with that. At times like tonight I have an overwhelming desire to close the door to my room and never come out. And at times, the knowledge that I am alone brings such pain I can hardly stand the thought of it. I'm just not sure how much isolation is enough. How much is right for me? I suppose that's one thing I'll have to explore, until I find just the right combination of companionship and solitude. A combination that gives me enough alone time to remember who I am, and enough connection to live out who I am.
For a person who has never indulged before, I guess we'll see how I handle my solitude. :)
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
One more...
Oooo, I had one more thing to add to my list of happy things:
KICKING OFF YOUR HIGH HEELS AND PULLING ON JEANS AFTER WORK. Is there anything better than a pair of jeans after you've spent the day dressing the part of sophisticated businesswoman? I think, not.
A good pair of jeans is like the solace of a friend, it knows the secrets you are hiding, and yet still manages to make you feel ok about the size of your butt.
OH I ALMOST FORGOT!! A STROKE OF GENIUS HAPPENED IN LIVECHAT TONIGHT. We were discussing unconditional love. We were talking about why so many of us strive for perfection in attempt to be worthy of love or to earn love. Then the question came up... If perfection doesn't exist, and can't be attained by a human, then isn't the very idea of striving for perfection imperfect in and of itself? Hmmmmm.... Did you feel the ground breaking?
KICKING OFF YOUR HIGH HEELS AND PULLING ON JEANS AFTER WORK. Is there anything better than a pair of jeans after you've spent the day dressing the part of sophisticated businesswoman? I think, not.
A good pair of jeans is like the solace of a friend, it knows the secrets you are hiding, and yet still manages to make you feel ok about the size of your butt.
OH I ALMOST FORGOT!! A STROKE OF GENIUS HAPPENED IN LIVECHAT TONIGHT. We were discussing unconditional love. We were talking about why so many of us strive for perfection in attempt to be worthy of love or to earn love. Then the question came up... If perfection doesn't exist, and can't be attained by a human, then isn't the very idea of striving for perfection imperfect in and of itself? Hmmmmm.... Did you feel the ground breaking?
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
How To Cure What Ails Ya
Sorrow has a way of teaching us things. Right now I'm learning a lot in the school of sorrow. One thing I'm learning is that deep grief can enhance one's enjoyment of life's little blessings. And so, I'm about to publish a list of said blessings that go a surprisingly long way in making a sorrowing person smile... even if for just a moment.
How To Cure What Ails Ya:
Go to a Mardi Gras parade. With a five year old boy.
Paint your nails. With a ten year old girl.
Buy a car... all by yourself.
Make your bed.
Make sweet tea.
Hold an old man's hand.
Call your mom.
Shave your legs.
Drink hot chocolate.
Get reacquainted with your rocking chair.
Wear eyeliner.
Let an old lady pinch your cheeks.
Call your sister.
Wax your eyebrows. (Technically, have them waxed. This isn't something one should attempt to do to herself.)
Wear matching underwear. (Double points if there are rhinestones anywhere on them)
Look at hydrangeas.
Smell coffee brewing.
Eat brownies.
Look at your kids in their beautiful eyes.
Get some Zapps Cajun Dill Gator Taters potato chips, and eat them with respect.
Sleep with your Bible.
Sing loud in your car. The song "Neon Moon" works great. So does Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire." You will have to laugh at yourself.
Light a candle.
Make your brain do something smart.
Let your brain do nothing at all. Just for a while.
And so, friends, there you have just a few ways to cure what ails ya. I'm tellin ya, these work. Oh, it won't take away your problems, but this list will help you keep your joy alive when pain threatens to consume you entirely. This is hard-won knowledge I'm dispensing here... you might want to print this list and keep it in your pocket just in case you ever have the need.
How To Cure What Ails Ya:
Go to a Mardi Gras parade. With a five year old boy.
Paint your nails. With a ten year old girl.
Buy a car... all by yourself.
Make your bed.
Make sweet tea.
Hold an old man's hand.
Call your mom.
Shave your legs.
Drink hot chocolate.
Get reacquainted with your rocking chair.
Wear eyeliner.
Let an old lady pinch your cheeks.
Call your sister.
Wax your eyebrows. (Technically, have them waxed. This isn't something one should attempt to do to herself.)
Wear matching underwear. (Double points if there are rhinestones anywhere on them)
Look at hydrangeas.
Smell coffee brewing.
Eat brownies.
Look at your kids in their beautiful eyes.
Get some Zapps Cajun Dill Gator Taters potato chips, and eat them with respect.
Sleep with your Bible.
Sing loud in your car. The song "Neon Moon" works great. So does Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire." You will have to laugh at yourself.
Light a candle.
Make your brain do something smart.
Let your brain do nothing at all. Just for a while.
And so, friends, there you have just a few ways to cure what ails ya. I'm tellin ya, these work. Oh, it won't take away your problems, but this list will help you keep your joy alive when pain threatens to consume you entirely. This is hard-won knowledge I'm dispensing here... you might want to print this list and keep it in your pocket just in case you ever have the need.
Monday, January 21, 2008
The Real Deal
In case anyone ever thought that the life of an author is in some way different or more glamorous, let me set the record straight.
Today, I did a radio interview to promote my book! Sounds wonderful and glamorous and important, right? Right.
Wonder if the people listening could tell that I'd been up most of last night with two sick kids. Wonder if something in my voice gave away the fact that I had gotten up this morning, left my kids with a sitter (thank God for you, Mary Beth!) and went to work, called the doctor's office as soon as it opened and wouldn't ya know, the appointment opening they had was a mere 45 minutes prior to the LIVE radio interview I had scheduled for today? Could they hear that I'd squeaked by with an extra half hour break, made a run for it to the doc with my kids, rushed through the appointment, and then placed my kids back in my sitter's capable hands just in time for the interview to start? Did it pass over the airwaves that I was talking to the listening audience from the front seat of my Dad's truck, parked in front of a pediatrician's office and behind a McDonald's?
I bet it didn't. I bet no one who heard me pictured me interviewing from the driver's seat of a pickup. Maybe they pictured me in some sleek office or even in a studio of some kind. Maybe they pictured me beautiful and confident and totally together. Certainly, none of them imagined that as soon as the show was over, I hot footed it back to work and got on with my very ordinary day as if nothing had ever happened.
Fooled them, huh? But not you, reader. You know. You know that the life of any of God's girls who get out on the edge and do what He wants them to do is a no-holds-barred kind of crazy. You know that I'm taking each day and trusting God for my very life and hoping desperately He can somehow use me. You know that before that interview I breathed a prayer for help, because I was completely desperate for God's help at that moment.
Now you know the real deal!! I'm just out here on my edge, tryin' to do what's in God's heart for me. Ain't nothin special about me... only about HIM. THAT is, indeed, the realest deal there is.
OH! And today's bliss: Mackenzie lost another tooth, WHILE SHE WAS WITH THE SITTER, thankya Jesus!! Those of you who regularly read this blog know that I'd rather give birth than pull out a tooth. I literally cannot deal with it. And whadya know, but God takes care of ALL the details, even loose teeth!!
Today, I did a radio interview to promote my book! Sounds wonderful and glamorous and important, right? Right.
Wonder if the people listening could tell that I'd been up most of last night with two sick kids. Wonder if something in my voice gave away the fact that I had gotten up this morning, left my kids with a sitter (thank God for you, Mary Beth!) and went to work, called the doctor's office as soon as it opened and wouldn't ya know, the appointment opening they had was a mere 45 minutes prior to the LIVE radio interview I had scheduled for today? Could they hear that I'd squeaked by with an extra half hour break, made a run for it to the doc with my kids, rushed through the appointment, and then placed my kids back in my sitter's capable hands just in time for the interview to start? Did it pass over the airwaves that I was talking to the listening audience from the front seat of my Dad's truck, parked in front of a pediatrician's office and behind a McDonald's?
I bet it didn't. I bet no one who heard me pictured me interviewing from the driver's seat of a pickup. Maybe they pictured me in some sleek office or even in a studio of some kind. Maybe they pictured me beautiful and confident and totally together. Certainly, none of them imagined that as soon as the show was over, I hot footed it back to work and got on with my very ordinary day as if nothing had ever happened.
Fooled them, huh? But not you, reader. You know. You know that the life of any of God's girls who get out on the edge and do what He wants them to do is a no-holds-barred kind of crazy. You know that I'm taking each day and trusting God for my very life and hoping desperately He can somehow use me. You know that before that interview I breathed a prayer for help, because I was completely desperate for God's help at that moment.
Now you know the real deal!! I'm just out here on my edge, tryin' to do what's in God's heart for me. Ain't nothin special about me... only about HIM. THAT is, indeed, the realest deal there is.
OH! And today's bliss: Mackenzie lost another tooth, WHILE SHE WAS WITH THE SITTER, thankya Jesus!! Those of you who regularly read this blog know that I'd rather give birth than pull out a tooth. I literally cannot deal with it. And whadya know, but God takes care of ALL the details, even loose teeth!!
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