It's Christmas Eve

It's Christmas Eve. Today there is a lump in my throat. I've been thinking back on where I was last Christmas, and how far I've come since then.

Last year I sat in a Christmas Eve service and wept while a pastor asked everyone to hug their spouses. I sat there abandoned and alone. This year there is someone my heart loves. Someone who loves my heart back.

Last year I had nothing to give my children. Some incredible saints from Riverside provided a nice Christmas for them. This year, though it wasn't much, I was able to play Santa myself.

Last year I was in a state of shock, reeling, and wondering what to do next. This year, I'm full of possibilities and new horizons, wondering what will happen next.

I'm reminded that I, all of us for that matter, are mere seconds, a devastating conversation, just one unwelcome revelation away from shattering grief. Last Christmas I was experiencing a shatter. This Christmas, I'm admiring the pieces that are coming back together.

But one thing remains the same. Last Christmas, even in my blinding grief, I celebrated the birth of the One who gives me hope. And this year is no different. I may be more whole, I may feel less pain, but I need Him no less, and cherish His coming just as intensely as ever.

Jesus is born! He was born for crazy, worthless, undeserving me. He never changes and that makes all the difference.

Merry Christmas!!!

Still Me

I'm sitting alone in my home, in utter silence. Kids are at their dad's for the weekend, and I'm alone. Moving to Florida has bought me this alone time. I knew it would, and was afraid of it, too. But it's not so bad, actually. It's kind of wonderful.

Good news, I wrote today. Well, I'm writing now, obviously. But earlier today I wrote creatively out of something my heart is passionate over. It was a poem. A poem of love, actually, if you must know. I find the fact that I wrote extremely comforting.

So many things in my life are being redefined right now. I've stepped away from traditional church. I've stepped out of all extra curricular responsibilities. I've moved home, to a place of slow, quiet, easy life. (Slow, quiet, and easy are not my normal cup of tea in case you haven't noticed.) I've fallen in love with someone nobody expected me to love. I didn't expect it either, for the record, but it's so there. (dreamy sigh) I'm making choices and carving out a new life. I'm sorting out right and wrong and yes and no and I will and I won't. Taking some, leaving others. And in the midst of all that, I guess I'm just glad to feel the familiar old spark of something in my heart... a spark that gets hotter until it becomes a phrase, then a sentence, then a succession of ideas until it spills out through my tears into a completed work.

Hopefully the benefactor of this work will enjoy it as much as I enjoyed bringing it forth.

What only I will be able to enjoy, however, is the comfort of the fact that though I'm being me in different ways than I ever expected, and my life is taking on different characteristics than I planned, I'm still me. And Still me. (as in me being still) I'm still in here loving God, loving life, and there is still hope and joy and emotion stirring deep in me.

And enjoy it, I will. Right now, I believe. Along with a beverage of my choice.

Cheers!

Random Stuff

Here are some things I've found quite enjoyable:

I ordered a box of calendars as Christmas giveaways for work. My calendars came in, and on the outside of the box the words were printed: DATED MATERIAL INSIDE. HA HA HA!! Get it? It gave me a chuckle!!

Late last night my phone rang. It was a Certain Someone on the other end. He said "Just wanted to tell you I love you." That's all. I love phone calls like that.

Today I ate lunch at my kids' school. For now, and I know this time is SO fleeting, but for now I'm cool to my kids. They were proud to have me with them. I loved it.

Happy things abound in my life. Plus it's Christmas. So here are some more things I am CHOOSING to enjoy:

Christmas without the busy. This year, there are no musicals, no special events to play in, no parties, no craziness. Just me, the ones I love, and the absolute minimum of activity.

Bliss.... Bliss indeed.

Gettin' Tough

Listen to me and listen good...

Here's what you need to do. Get a punching bag and some boxing gloves. Get a 300 pound strong-man brother and a kicking pad. Get some weights and some foamy floor pads on which to do push-ups. Then let the 300 pound brother ruthlessly push you to your limit and beyond. (No he doesn't go easy on the baby sister.)

People. It is amazing! I now know endorphins are real, but beyond that, I'm pretty darn proud of myself. To tell you the amount of weight I can lift would detract too much from my femininity. So let's talk punching. It's AWESOME! And kicking!! Tonight I learned front kicks and roundhouse. Basically, if you try to attack me, you are totally GOIN' DOWN!!

I swear a couple of times I thought I might puke, but I worked hard and it felt great. Plus, it's amazing what I can do when someone is in my face saying "Come on! 5 more!" or "You're halfway there. Let's go!" Part encouragement, part kick in the butt.

I think life's that way. And God, of course, is the personal trainer. The most personal of all. I can picture Jesus in my face going "Come on! You can do this!" I think sometimes, some seasons of life, He does that kind of one-on-one personal training.

Anyway, leave it to me to get all philosophical about exercise. I just HAD to tell you how much I'm enjoying this. Here's the bottom line: Punching and kicking things is fun. Try it sometime. 'At'll cure what ails ya', Baby!

And if you're in the Lakeland area, by the way, the aforementioned brother will take you also to happy-training-and-becoming-so-freakin-tough land. I'll put you in touch.

Writin about some stuff

Whew! Had another whirlwind trip to New Orleans. A Certain Someone needed a date for a Christmas party and who was I not to save the day? Kids were with their dad for the weekend so off I went. FUN!

Fun ends there. Now fasten your seatbelt. I'm gonna write about some stuff.

I've spent my whole life in church. I was married to a minister, and considered that something really fancy that I did for God. (are you laughing yet?)I had an answer for everything. Then, my minister left me. Not before my marriage went through a few years of hell first, but he left. And I got a quick and effective introduction to real life. I went from nice little ministry wife with nice little life mapped out for her to being a single mom with a life of her very own. And though that status was thrust upon me, I can't say I'm sorry. I kinda like it. I'm enjoying the challenge and adventure of finding the answers... HONEST answers to life's questions. Even of getting to ask some questions I've never had the freedom to ask before.

Here's some stuff I'm figuring out:

- Lots of people don't like it when people get lives of their own. Especially when they choose to do unexpected stuff, to step outside the box they were supposed to be in. Hmmm...

- Lots of people jump to conclusions. I do too. It creates real problems in relationships.

- The most godly things I've ever done have had absolutely nothing to do with church OR with the prescribed rules and regs imposed by my churchy image. That's painfully honest, but it's true. I don't yet know what that means for my life or for who I am becoming. It's just a truth.


This is a wild journey, people. I hope you're up for the ride, cause I'm pretty sure I'm gonna make some mistakes. I'll probably take some chances. I'll definitely try my wings and I might do some stuff you don't like. But along the way I'll be embracing life and love and enjoying every amazing minute. I'll be keeping my heart open to God, open to people. I'll be keeping my brain willing to learn, and my days full of laughter. It's been crazy so far and it could get crazier. And ya know what???

I LOVE IT!!! Let's go!!

Hair Infidelity

I did it. I cheated on my hair guy. My hair and I have been faithful to the same hair guy, our beloved Jimmy, for 5 years now. Moving to Florida wasn't even going to stop me from using Jimmy to keep my hair lookin good. Only while I was in New Orleans for Thanksgiving, the days were accomplished that I should have a haircut. Except Jimmy decided he wasn't going to be in town for Thanksgiving. AAAAAHHH!

My hair doesn't go 5 weeks without a cut. It just doesn't. Not if I want to maintain its attitude. And so I did it.

I went to Salon Salvatore. This place came highly recommended by friends from work. You can imagine my guilt as I walked in this place.


It


Was


AWESOME!


I walked in the door and as they checked me in, I was offered a drink. I took the Bud Light, of course. The shampoo was a MASSAGE. It took forever!!! The conversation was great. Not Jimmy, but still great. There were beautiful people and beautiful surroundings. I was pampered and relaxed and got a freakin' awesome haircut.


Sigh...


It was truly incredible. But still as I left the salon right after I made an appointment for my next indiscretion, I couldn't help feeling my heart break a little.

I missed Jimmy, and getting my haircut in my own kitchen since Katrina destroyed his shop. I missed big pots of chili, and my framily digging in while we take turns getting haircuts in the kitchen chair. I missed sweeping up 5 different colors of hair after we were all done.

Sigh...


Anyway, it was incredibly cool at Salon Salvatore. Yet another bittersweet moment in this transition. Life's give and take.

So... does this make me a... a hair whore?? I know, I know... time to get some rest before I digress any more.

Punchin Bag Profundity

I love life.

I love my life.

There is a big difference in those two statements. Both are profound. Obviously, it is important to love life. But it's another thing entirely to ask myself if I love MY life. And my answer to myself is YES.

I love the adventures I get to have. I love the people I get to love. I love the moments that come my way. Even the sad ones. Life isn't easy. Matter of fact, it is often downright miserable. Relationships are hard. Painful things happen. It's funny but no matter how nasty things get, something in me always bobs up to the surface of the mire, ready for more of life. I just can't quit.

This week my life is crazy. I had a great trip to New Orleans for Thanksgiving, and I spent the holiday with someone I love. I embraced a happy moment for all it was worth. I laughed with my kids. I punched a punching bag... HARD. My crazy life is precious, and it's mine.

Something wonderful happened to me this week. Perhaps more to come about that event later. For now, unfortunately, I feel some dust should settle first. Perhaps some feathers be allowed to unruffle themselves. If for no other reason than to avoid cheapening a blissful moment in my life by exposing it to the further scrutiny of public opinion.

So instead I'll tell ya this...

Though not the pinnacle of the last week of my life, the punching bag thing was TOTALLY awesome!! I'll be making a habit of that. I'll also be adding it to the list of remedies for the blues. Probably moving it up there toward the top of the list! Plus I look awesome in boxing gloves.

Pictures of Life

I've finally gotten around to downloading some pictures of life here in Florida. Here are Levi and my mom in my kitchen makin' orange juice!




And who knew watermelon was in season at Thanksgiving?? The kids have been watching a lonely little watermelon vine that sprung up last year after someone tossed some seeds behind the shed. It was growing one lonely little watermelon, and since the latest cold weather kind of did away with the vine, mom cut the melon and whadya know? It was yummy!!



After-school snacks are pick-your-own!!





My boy is learning how to pick greens!







We are trying to settle into life, though I must admit it's a challenge. The back and forth of every-other-weekend visits are something we haven't had to tackle up until this point. It's an adjustment for me and the kids, but we are surrounded by love and of course, by God. So we are making our new home. Hope you enjoy the view!!

Disoriented

OK, so I'm back home. Had an awesome time at the ABWA in Thibodaux. Loved it! As a matter of fact, I've joined my local ABWA here in downtown Lakeland. Pretty cool, huh?

I still miss New Orleans. And I'm still glad I'm here. It's such a strange disconnect. I sort of feel like I'm outside myself, watching and hoping things will turn out ok. It's such a bizarre feeling to be surrounded by the familiar and yet my life is so unfamiliar. Or at least myself is unfamiliar. I mean, I know what to do, and I see myself going through the motions, but I'm not sure my heart has caught up. I'm not sure where my heart is or who it is anymore. I think the term for this would be disoriented.

I've been going to sleep at like 8:30 at night. I don't know what to do with all this rest. I just got my tv and internet hooked up last night, so perhaps my early bedtimes have been due to boredom. But mostly, I'm really sleepy at that time. I put my kids to bed and then I go to bed, too, and still find myself wishing for an afternoon nap.

I'm hungry a lot too. Which sucks because I have 25 pounds to keep off. I've probably eaten more in the last 2 weeks than I did in the last month I lived in New Orleans.

Yup. I can read what I just wrote and recognize it. That damned old depression again. Not to fear, though. I knew this was coming and I am ready for it. I'm gonna buckle down with my old standby remedies, cuddle up with hope and wait for this to pass. And pass, it will.... eventually.

Remedy number one: Count the blessings. And so here are some blisses:

Kisses from my son
My daughter's gorgeous face, all pink from the cold
Orange juice I squeezed myself
Fun meetings at work
TV: Finally!! WITH DVR all to myself!!!!
Chili when it's cold
This weekend to myself
My nephew's celebratory phone call to tell me he shot his first deer!! Yeah, baby!!

Checkin in

Just a quick post from God's other country, NEW ORLEANS! I'm back here doing a speaking engagement for the American Business Women's Association in Thibodeaux, LA.

Having an incredibly fun time also. How can a person's heart be in two places at once? It hurts, I'll tell ya that.

Signing off for now...

The Eagle Has Landed

I'm HERE! I'm stumped about what to write. Where do I start? Mostly I'm still reeling from culture shock and the enormity of this adjustment. I wasn't prepared.

I've started work already, and it's going to be an adventure! I'm back in the office at Smith & Thomas Insurance with some of the best people there are. My actual duties are quite a change from what I've been up to at St. Francis Villa, so I'm getting used to that. I've already concluded that the insurance business could use some extra crazy, a little extra spice. New Orleans spoiled me, I guess. So I'm workin on that.

The family farm is coming right along. I'm adding my own personal touches. It's different living in my Granny's home, but now I'm the grown-up. I'm hoping it's the best of her and the best of me. You can see here how my Florida church family has already poured on the grace, and I'll post some pics of the finished product soon.

Ah, church. That's a whole new ball game too. For the first time in my life, I'm not a pianist, staff wife, Bible teacher, or leader of any kind in a church. Talk about culture shock. I hardly know what to do with myself. I'm not going to get all emotional and philosophical about it in this blog. That could very well cause me to need some type of hospitalization. This type of thing will have to unravel slowly.

Not to worry, though. All in all, I'm more than ok. As my friend Monica reminded me, God reigns in Florida too. And reign, He does, as always. What a comfort.

For now, I'll sign off with some Florida blisses and New Orleans misses:

Florida Blisses:
BABIES IN MY ARMS AGAIN.
GREENS for dinner, picked from my daddy's garden THAT DAY.
Yelling hello to my son while he is on mom's porch and I am on mine.
Lunch with my mom.
Dinner with my dad at his hunting camp. Yummy!
Church on a couch.
Loud rock music and painting while behaving in an unseemly manner, which is allowed since it was just me and Christy.
Oranges, of course.
Clean, no make that PRISTINE streets in downtown.

New Orleans misses:
A Certain Someone In Particular
MY FRAMILY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *tears*
Yelling hello to Alice while she is in her driveway and I am in mine.
Lunch made by Certain Someone.
Dinner at someplace awesome with my framily.
Church on the front pew.
Loud worship music played with the band while only slightly misbehaving during rehearsal.
Beignets, of course.
Dirty, no make that DISGUSTING streets in downtown. (I still love 'em.)

Here Goes...

I'll be signing off for a few days as I change geographical locations.

This is the most bittersweet thing I've ever done in my life.

But there is packing to do and there are errands to run. I have to make myself do this.

By next Wednesday or so, I should be a Floridian again. At least for a while. But I'll still be a Louisianian as well, so that would, I suppose make me a Flori-Louisianian.

Anyway, I must stop wasting time and get to this terrible business.

But first, a few blisses:

A wild night out with the girls from work. (my first ever, maybe not that wild, but certainly mildly embarrassing.)
A framily that accepts me for who I am. No matter what. (thanks, Finches)
A fried green tomato and shrimp remoulade po-boy. With a Blue Moon. HEAVEN!!
Cooler weather
Pixie Stix
Lots of Hugs
Butterflies in my tummy...and my heart.

My life might be broken right now, but I'm still going to live it. AND love it.

See you in the Sunshine State.

Bring it On

OK, I've wallowed enough. I mean, really. What kind of enjoyment is there in allowing oneself to stay focused on the misery? None, that's what.

So for some reason this morning, I've decided to endure the slicing in half of my heart while standing up, eyes open. I have no choice but to go through this. So bring it on.

Last night was my last band rehearsal, and Sunday will be my last services at Riverside. I nearly can't bear to type that. It looks dreadful on the screen, and feels even more terrible inside me. But what overwhelms me truly at this moment is gratitude to have experienced, FINALLY, the kind of family that a church should really be. At Riverside, my life has been changed, for the better, in a hundred ways. I will never be the same because of that church. And so, even though I'll be physically separated from my framily, they are coming with me in the difference they've made in me as a person and in my children. Most people do not enjoy the privilege of experiencing what I have experienced here. I've been loved and accepted in spite of embarrassing suffering. I've been taught and I've taught people. I've been helped and I've helped people. I've had my place in a group of believers, a real, live, active, working, living body of Christ. I've been needed and I needed them. Even though leaving here is nearly killing me, I'd go through this pain a hundred times to get to experience the love, the laughter, and the authentic Christ-following I've experienced here. That, my friends, WILL be carried to Florida with me and dumped all over whomever dares to hang around me. So even though it hurts, even though my heart is in pieces, I've experienced authentic love here, and it's well, well, well worth it.

I deeply, desperately hope that you get to experience the kind of love that hurts this bad. It's what life is about. The pain is merely evidence of love's authenticity. My framily matters to me, and I to them. Everything that happened in me here matters. Real love, real life-change, real learning and growing and interacting with God happened here. May none of you ever go through life without knowing that kind of treasure.


Wow, it's hard to pull out blissful things these days. But, here are a few blisses of the last few days of my life:
the most amazing steak I've ever eaten, ever.
black coffee with cinnamon scones
a trip to the zoo
LOTS of hugs
and good sleep.

Not Today

I'm still livin'. Truth be told, I'm just bogged down in... well, everything. I'm grieving this move like you wouldn't believe. Trying to pack and get it all done, and trying to cram in as much living as possible in the middle of it all.

Too many goodbyes to say, too many things to remember, too many feelings to process. There is absolutely no way I can do this. Good thing I'm not alone.

Sorry, but that's about all I've got this morning. Perhaps something wonderful and profound will emerge eventually. Just not today.

Giving Up

Today I tried. I tried to look for a higher purpose in all the stuff I'm going through. I tried to believe it'll all be worth it someday. I tried to tell myself that God will get glory through my situation, whatever THAT means. (Right now it just seems like a dumb churchy phrase that we say when we don't know any answers.)

I tried to help myself not feel so bad about leaving this city. I tried to help myself not feel so bad about still being here when my kids are already in Florida.

I tried to make myself believe that I will somehow get through all this. I tried to make myself believe that I'm still going to do something of value in this life.

I tried. But it didn't work.

Because right now I can't. I can't believe any of that, and even if I could... it's not enough. It doesn't stop the hurting.

I'll tell you what I know. I know that there may be NO reason I'm going through all this crap. I could very well be screwing up my life. I know I never anticipated this kind of pain in my heart, and I never anticipated wanting to give up on God.

BUT I also know this... I know He's with me. I know He's in me. I know He isn't scared of my unbelief, and He's plenty enough to make up for my weakness. I know He's never going to leave me, and that He loves me completely, and that He picked me for His own.

Beyond that, I got nothin.

Nothin but Jesus.

So He and I went shoe shopping. We also found some Calvin Klein jeans on sale. And a cute sweater. And we bought Irresistable Apple shower gel and lotion at Bath & Body Works to get us through until we get to Lakeland and Christy makes us something yummy-smelling to bathe in.

We had fun. We put down the pain for a while and it was just us. And I didn't have to understand, I didn't have to say anything at all. Just us. Giving up isn't so bad, I guess.

Now we're gonna go hang with some friends. See ya'll later.

Every doggie dies famous...

Funny story:

Tonight after church I decided to go for a walk. I know walking alone in the dark isn't all that safe, but the delicious breeze was too much of a comfort to pass up. So I'm walking around my neighborhood and I hear this insane yelling. A man's voice, an angry man's voice is screaming out into the night. My heart starts pounding faster thinking "I knew I shouldn't be out here. Someone's about to get killed and I'll be a witness."

I pressed on anyway, and rounded the corner. I kept looking as I got closer to the screaming to see if it was 2 guys in a fight or a domestic situation or what. As I walked toward the ruckus, I began to be able to understand what the angry man was yelling.

"PRECIOUS! PREEEEEEEEEEEEEE CIOUS!!! PRECIOUS!!! PRECIOUS!"

Oh yes, you know it. I soon walked up on a grown man outside in his shorts and nothing else trying to catch the biggest, goofiest dog ever. Named Precious.


HAAAAA HA HA HA HAHA!!

Precious lumbered over to him slowly and he didn't let up. He let her have it all the way in the house. "Precious! You git back here! You got me out here makin' all kind of noise. Got me out here yellin'! You better git in here now!"

I went on with my walk, pretending I never saw or heard dog man yelling. But it was a great performance.

This leads me to two conclusions:

1) Rednecks are everywhere.
2) When one purchases a dog, one must accept the inevitability of standing outside in your underwear at night yelling for the dog. Name it something you wouldn't be embarrassed to scream at the top of your lungs. Mr. Wiggles probably wouldn't be a great choice. Neither would Armageddon.

Where did my day go?

Wow, Monday! You got away from me! My favorite day of the week was so busy I didn't get to enjoy it as much as I usually do. I kicked off a new week today after an especially busy weekend, which probably added to the whirlwind.

Had an AWESOME time in DeFuniak Springs with the Women of Hope conference at Glendale Presbyterian Church. I love that place. I wish I could take it with me. There are some major things being done right at that place. I love it!!

Had a fun Sunday morning with my Riverside fam, and then a fun Sunday afternoon at St. Francis Villa's Ice Cream party, and then an even funner Sunday evening with my framily. (FUNNER IS THE ONLY WORD FOR IT) I love my framily.

Tonight I'm settling in and going to bed early. There are a million things I should be getting done, but tonight....

I ain't.

(Finch, the ain't was fer yew, m' friend.)

G'night.

Oh, wait! I have to celebrate some of today's beautiful things. Leftover giggles from last night, a haircut, dinner rolls with butter, phone calls, and passion tea from Starbucks.

Ok, now g'night.

Takin' it Home

It's been quiet on the blogfront lately. The last days have been a little complicated, and a lot dramatic.

A decision has been made. It's one I've been wrestling with for a while and after many discussion, many tears, and some loud sobbing, I've come to a conclusion. In a few weeks I'll be moving to my hometown of Lakeland, FL. The kids and I will be living in my Grandmother's home, and they will be enjoying one of the most beautiful places in the world for kids to be raised.

There are layers and layers of complex feelings about this choice for me. I'm absolutely broken in two to be leaving my beloved Riverside Church. My Framily. The greatest pastor that ever was. In fact I'm fairly sure I am being torn apart since a large piece of my heart will always be here. Truthfully, a huge reason I've resisted this choice is that I wasn't sure my heart could stand another wound like this. I wasn't sure I could absorb another break right now. I still have no idea how I'll stand it.

I'm also ready. I think God's about to take it up a notch between Him and me. Seems funny, since I'll be stepping away from nearly all the stuff I do for Him. But that in itself, that stripping away of all the "stuff" all the activity that I engage in on His behalf, all the roles that define who I am in His kingdom... that will be a new level of intensity in my relationship with God. I won't be able to hide behind the stuff I do and the roles I play, and rely on those things to reassure me of who I am before God. I will have to discover who I am, really, without any roles whatsoever in the church. IS ANYONE ELSE FREAKING OUT ABOUT THAT???? WHAT DO GOOD CHRISTIAN GIRLS LOOK LIKE WITHOUT CHURCH JOBS??? DO I EVEN EXIST WITHOUT MINISTRY WORK????

Know what that means? That means me and God, acres of land, a front porch with rocking chairs, and hours to spend talking about.... hmmm... well, if we aren't talking about what songs are being played Sunday and what needs are in my small group, and what ministry event is coming up next, what rehearsal, what group meeting... then WHAT WILL WE SAY???? Does this mean that God might want to just sit with me a while? Does it mean He might rock me in one of those rocking chairs and just let me be? Does it mean He might make me wrestle some monsters? Does it mean I might have to let Him just love me for me... poor, crazy, unworthy me? Of course, I know He does love me for me, I think I believe that anyway. But it's easier said than lived out, especially when I've always had plenty of good "stuff" goin' on for God. You know, just in case He ever needed a reason to want me as His girl, I've always been busy making sure there were plenty of reasons. I know that in reality those reasons are filthy rags. But they still make me feel better. And now, with no more reasons, I'll have to fall completely on the grace of God and find out what it's like to be loved extravagantly, undeservedly, unreservedly, and I'll be utterly without ability to give anything in return. Which is where, in reality, I already am. However, right now I've got lots of nice distractions to help me avoid the conscious awareness of where I really stand.

I told you there were complex layers of feeling.

This is going to be an adventure.

If you're ready, I'm ready. Stay with me. We're about to take it home. We're about to look Grace in the face. I'm about to take some of the valuable things I've learned over the last few years and test them in a major way.

Feels like I'm at the top of a roller coaster ride and about to plummet down the steep incline. Oh well... my arms are in the air, I may be screamin my head off, but I'm ready to take this ride. Let's Go...

Train Track Philosophy

In the middle of my life's chaos, I've decided to get a little philosophical. Call it twelve hours alone in a car with plenty of time to think, but I've been doing some wondering about the way I've chosen to live my life. It's true that my life is radically different than it was this time last year. And some of those differences cause me to question decisions I've made and ideas I've always taken for granted. One thing in particular is the "fishbowl" type lifestyle I've always had because of "who I was" in the church.

Someone very smart told me a little diddy that got my thoughts stirring even more. I'm telling it to you the way it was told to me:


"I'm not allowed to blow the whistle
Not allowed to drive the train
But let the bitch fall off the track
And watch who gets the blame."
(Advice courtesy of Very Smart Individual, original author unknown)

Hmmm... I realize this little quip probably came out of someone's frustration with some corporate heirarchy, or some type of situation like those we all find ourselves in, where we have little control and a lot of responsibility. But for me, it has some interesting implications.

Since I was very young, I've aspired to live not just a good life, but a great one. I still do. But somewhere along the way, I got the idea that "greatness" looked a certain way. I also bought the idea that greatness looked a whole lot like what church people interpret as greatness. In other words, I let the assumed rules and regs of the religion I was raised in begin directing my life's choices. For me as a ministry wife and a person who wants to do big stuff for God, too, those rules and regs are pretty intense.

A discussion with Very Smart Individual helped me see it a different way. Through the eyes of someone who has never put stock in the rules of my religion. It has a way of making me question what life choices I've made as a result of my true heart, my true passion, and what is really going on between God and me. It's left me wondering what choices I've made more out of others' expectations, or even my own expectations adopted for no other reason than to make myself look good to the people I wanted to or felt I had to impress.

Seems to me, especially now that most of my "status" or my identity within the church is very different, it's time to evaluate some things. Perhaps it's time to let go of pleasing people or progressing within a denomination. Perhaps it's time I didn't care as much about what other people think as I do about what God thinks. (He's been known to do some out-of-the-box things, ya know.) Perhaps it's time to reconsider who and what is driving my train, maybe even the track it's on.

These are slightly scary thoughts, but mostly I'm feeling total relief at the idea that I can make life choices based on a much simpler philosophy than ever before. Namely: Do what God puts in me to do, what He's built into me (some of that I may not have even considered yet because I've let other people tell me what it should be)... and that's it. No worrying about who gets the blame... it's always been me anyway. Might as well be driving this train for the right reasons.

Blisses

OK, so I spent today driving from Lakeland to New Orleans. Unfortunately, minus my babies. They are remaining in Lakeland for a couple of weeks since electricity and some sewer situations are sketchy here. However, it's back to work for me.

So since there is no electricity at my home, I'm sleeping at work. Never a dull moment in my life. But, as always, there are many blisses. Here are a few:

*76 degree weather for at least half of my drive. Which I thoroughly enjoyed with the windows down, singing Reba McIntyre's "Fancy" at the top of my lungs. I know ALL the words. All the 4x4 truck drivers were impressed.
*The precious saint who cleaned the food out of my refrigerator. Absolutely NO stink in my house when I arrived. Thank you, whoever you are!!! Your heavenly crown is practically gaudy by now.
*The smell of pine. Real pine. Coming from the trees.
*Rock Star coffee drinks. Only 50 calories.
*Two, count 'em, TWO girls nights with my Christy!!