Takin' it Home

It's been quiet on the blogfront lately. The last days have been a little complicated, and a lot dramatic.

A decision has been made. It's one I've been wrestling with for a while and after many discussion, many tears, and some loud sobbing, I've come to a conclusion. In a few weeks I'll be moving to my hometown of Lakeland, FL. The kids and I will be living in my Grandmother's home, and they will be enjoying one of the most beautiful places in the world for kids to be raised.

There are layers and layers of complex feelings about this choice for me. I'm absolutely broken in two to be leaving my beloved Riverside Church. My Framily. The greatest pastor that ever was. In fact I'm fairly sure I am being torn apart since a large piece of my heart will always be here. Truthfully, a huge reason I've resisted this choice is that I wasn't sure my heart could stand another wound like this. I wasn't sure I could absorb another break right now. I still have no idea how I'll stand it.

I'm also ready. I think God's about to take it up a notch between Him and me. Seems funny, since I'll be stepping away from nearly all the stuff I do for Him. But that in itself, that stripping away of all the "stuff" all the activity that I engage in on His behalf, all the roles that define who I am in His kingdom... that will be a new level of intensity in my relationship with God. I won't be able to hide behind the stuff I do and the roles I play, and rely on those things to reassure me of who I am before God. I will have to discover who I am, really, without any roles whatsoever in the church. IS ANYONE ELSE FREAKING OUT ABOUT THAT???? WHAT DO GOOD CHRISTIAN GIRLS LOOK LIKE WITHOUT CHURCH JOBS??? DO I EVEN EXIST WITHOUT MINISTRY WORK????

Know what that means? That means me and God, acres of land, a front porch with rocking chairs, and hours to spend talking about.... hmmm... well, if we aren't talking about what songs are being played Sunday and what needs are in my small group, and what ministry event is coming up next, what rehearsal, what group meeting... then WHAT WILL WE SAY???? Does this mean that God might want to just sit with me a while? Does it mean He might rock me in one of those rocking chairs and just let me be? Does it mean He might make me wrestle some monsters? Does it mean I might have to let Him just love me for me... poor, crazy, unworthy me? Of course, I know He does love me for me, I think I believe that anyway. But it's easier said than lived out, especially when I've always had plenty of good "stuff" goin' on for God. You know, just in case He ever needed a reason to want me as His girl, I've always been busy making sure there were plenty of reasons. I know that in reality those reasons are filthy rags. But they still make me feel better. And now, with no more reasons, I'll have to fall completely on the grace of God and find out what it's like to be loved extravagantly, undeservedly, unreservedly, and I'll be utterly without ability to give anything in return. Which is where, in reality, I already am. However, right now I've got lots of nice distractions to help me avoid the conscious awareness of where I really stand.

I told you there were complex layers of feeling.

This is going to be an adventure.

If you're ready, I'm ready. Stay with me. We're about to take it home. We're about to look Grace in the face. I'm about to take some of the valuable things I've learned over the last few years and test them in a major way.

Feels like I'm at the top of a roller coaster ride and about to plummet down the steep incline. Oh well... my arms are in the air, I may be screamin my head off, but I'm ready to take this ride. Let's Go...