Egypt?.... Nah...

I have this interesting thing going on here in my pit. I have these rose-colored pictures of my "egypt" in my mind. I'm asking myself, how the hell did I get here? Why again did I leave a nice job and a nice house and my hometown and come up here for this? What was I thinking, I could change the world or something? What was wrong with my average job, my cookie cutter house (with the jacuzzi tub) and my regular life? It's HARD to follow passion. It HURTS to force myself out of the comfort zone. It's such a struggle to keep focus on why I'm doing what I'm doing. I forget (or maybe sometimes regret) that I didn't want to settle for average, that when I had all those things, my soul burned inside me for something more. I know the truth is even if I could go back to that life, I would not be fulfilled, it's not all I remember it as being, and I'd be giving up my life's dream. I know I've already gone too far to turn back. I also know that I want God to have more out of me than this. I want to be strong and fight valiantly and never whine about where He's brought me. And here I am... whining and panting and wanting to give up. I feel like a failure.

All the time I'm thinking these thoughts of longing for what once was, I know in my mind I don't really want that. This sensation makes me feel like I might go nuts. This reminds me of something. When I was having Levi, I went to "the zone." I see women go there all the time on A Baby Story! It's when the physical pain is such that you just exit yourself for a while. You go out of your mind. You are reduced to nothing but instinct or natural physical reaction to what you are experiencing. You are no longer making coherent thought, you just try to survive the pain. At one point, I needed to stop pushing because the umbilical cord was around Levi's neck. The midwife couldn't really make me understand what I needed to do. I remember my mother getting close to my face and telling me I had to stop pushing for a minute. She held onto my hand and talked right to my face. For a few seconds that actually felt like years I was totally helpless and simply followed her every direction because I was helpless to do anything else.

It occurs to me that this mental pain feels like the zone. And I feel like God is doing just what my mom did that day. He's holding my hand and giving instruction for the next few seconds. It's this intense, searing desperation for Him that I know is brought about by pain. I also know this produces, as my past pain has, an intense and deep bond with Him that is so intimate, so personal, it almost defies words. It does defy words. Even this minute I wish I were able to explain how it feels...

So what does all this mean? My pastor tells me all the time that Christ wants to live through me. Christ wants to do life FOR me. So maybe a stubborn girl like me needs to visit the zone every once in a while. A place where I have no CHOICE but to let Him do it for me because I am a helpless heap of humanity that is literally unable to function without Him. I know He's my only hope. He's the only thing Good about me. I desperately love Him, and I don't know what else to do but hang onto Him.

Feels strange to have bared my soul in this way. But I hope to let someone see that real Christ-following isn't just Sunday school lessons and casserole dishes. It's real, messy, passionate, intense LIFE that sometimes feels as though it might tear you in two and sometimes feels as though you will explode because of your inability to contain the joy, and ALWAYS brings an unspeakable awareness that you have encountered and are not merely encountering but entering into intimacy with the God of All. Bottom line: It's worth it. He's worth it. To hold inside me the incredible mystery of my spirit wrapped up with the Spirit of God is WORTH IT.