Christmas Season

Merry Christmas! Two days late, I know.

My children are in Florida and I am in Louisiana. So I shed a few tears on Christmas since my heart misses them so much. But I talked to them on the phone twice, and will see them in a matter of days. Our doggie misses them too. He searches their beds, and cries, and comes to me with the most mournful look on his face, nudges me desperately, like, "DO something!!! WHERE ARE MY KIDS???!!!" Crazy dog! Can't say I blame him, though. Had I the K-9 excuse, I'd behave the very self-same way. However, I must soldier on like the human I try to be and endure this, making the most of it, and that's what I'm trying to do.

My Christmas was a quiet one, and I must say, quite enjoyable. I spent it bonding with my sweet husband. We needed this time and we are enjoying every second of it. Christmas Eve at my stepson's house where baby Caleb is already getting spoiled by his big brother and sister in law. We had Christmas dinner at his brother's and enjoyed the most eclectic cultural Christmas of my life. My sister in law is Thai, and so we had turkey next to the egg rolls, next to the ham, next to the noodles. Thai karaoke and New Orleans accents and crazy kids everywhere... and a little bit of Polk county redneck girl (me). Fun!

My man got me a spa day for Christmas and so I spent yesterday sprawled in a pedicure chair, white chocolate cappucino in hand, totally relaxing. I needed it. Funny thing, I happened to be one of three pregnant ladies in the salon all at the same time. Picture three very pregnant people sprawled in pedicure chairs and the place looked more like a maternity ward than an upscale spa. It turned some heads for sure! Too funny.

All in all, a Christmas to be cherished, since most of it was spent in the arms of the one I love, curled up by our fireplace getting closer and dreaming and building a stronger foundation for our family. And kissing too!! :) What's a good Christmas without some serious kissing, I always say.

To all of you out there, Merry, merry merry Christmas season. (Which, according to my bestie, Christy, lasts until epiphany, and I wholeheartedly agree!!!)

Missing Heart Report

Well, my heart has officially exited my body and is walking around down in Florida. I put my kids on a plane Thursday. Their first plane ride alone. They cried. I cried. We are gonna miss each other!! Two weeks will not pass quickly enough.

But they did it! They called back so proud of themselves. They had a good flight, and made it there safe and sound. It's hard not to be blue. I'm doing my best to enjoy my last hurrah alone with my hubby before new baby arrives. I still miss my babies, though. I have two very brave, very wonderful children.

Now... the Saints are about to kick off. It's time to watch some football!!

A Decision

Today I'm decorating Gingerbread men. I have seven days until my babies have to leave me for Christmas, and the Christmasing has begun. We have an action packed weekend coming up and what better way to kick off than Gingerbread men? And a visit to the doctor to hear our baby's heartbeat. Frustrations are officially going to the back burner, and I mean the very back. I have a gorgeous husband who is nuts about me, I have two amazing children on the outside and one inside. It's Christmastime and we have each other... and gingerbread men. All other crap must wait until I am finished relishing every second with my precious ones.

Let's do it!!

Taking Advice

Levi on tattling:

"Robert ALWAYS has to do that. He tells on somebody ALL the time, he always has to have something to tell on. It's like "DUDE... take a break!!"

I SO feel his pain. There is something going on right now that makes my heart say "Seriously???? I mean, REALLY??? After everything you have already done to me and my children... now this????" It's like "DUDE... take a break!"

Maybe it's the size of my belly, and the size of the hormone surges I'm having. Maybe it's exhaustion or fear or whatever. I'm just having trouble finding my usual look-on-the-bright-side attitude. I'm frustrated with people and humanity and the general stupidity of a person who unfortunately has influence on my babies. Honestly, I'm frustrated with God a little too. It's not like He doesn't already know this, so don't you freak out ok? I just feel like I tried to honor Him through forgiveness and through sticking out a marriage that was doomed. I tried to be the hero, to forgive when it wasn't deserved, to keep going when no one knew how I was suffering. I tried to hold it all together, for the sake of my family and for the sake of His church. And now... this situation just continues to plague me, even after I've finally been released from it and gone on toward wholeness.

I feel like crying out for mercy from this. I feel like asking "How long? and WHY???" Mostly I also feel frustrated that no one seems to be caring what is best for my children. Perhaps pregnancy has me feeling SUPER maternal right now, but I just can't get over how precious my children are, and how undeserved all of their suffering has been. WHO's looking out for them?? Well, me and God that's who. But still I wish I could make other people wake up and realize that they are really what is important.

Ugh. I'm tired of all this, and tired of being tired of it. I want to go on with my life and love my husband and enjoy our new baby. And that I will do. We all will.

Perhaps I should take Levi's advice after all. I mean "Dude... take a break!" isn't a bad sounding deal. Maybe a break and a little perspective will help... and some chinese food...

:)

Sharin' My Happiness

My dear sweet longtime, knows-all-my-secrets friend, Christy Sallee, took some pics of me and my gorgeous man. Ya know how when you are pregnant you just feel kind of... yucky? Definitely not beautiful. Well, I posed for and Christy took some pics that made me feel BEAUTIFUL. Some I never dreamed I'd dare to take. But I did, and IT WAS SO AWESOME!! C, you did my heart good!!! Some of the ones that are appropriate to share are below. Untouched.

The Peanut Gallery

Levi: (Commenting on my new back brace to help with lower back and round ligament pain) "Are you gonna wear that all the time?"

Me: "Well, it helps my back feel better."

Levi: "I'm a man. So I don't get back pain. Unless I have a cramp.... Now, preg-i-nit women... (with a shake of his head) THEY get a lot of cramps."


This is pregnancy from a seven year old boy's perspective. I love being "preg-i-nit!"

Questions

Just a few questions...

Why does pregnancy make food fall on your clothes? I walk around every day with SOMETHING on my shirt. Am I really that much of a pig?

Why can't I ever, EVER get full? I'm hungry ALL the time!!

How is it that I can be so proud of my daughter and how grown up she is, and want her to come back and be a baby again all at the same time??

Is it really true that a new baby can make me love the babies I already have a million times more?

Why do I expect so much of myself? Why all the perfectionism crap?

Where is my nap?

Where do college students' parents think their children are when they are actually sitting near me and my family on the streetcar wearing next to nothing and acting way too desperate? And how will I keep my daughter from engaging in such?

Why are the people at the coffee shop on Oak Street and Carollton so unfriendly? I mean, you can be bohemian and funky and all... and still be friendly to your customers. GOSH!! All I wanted was a steamer.

Will my son remember walking to the streetcar stop and riding downtown with me and his S-Dad, just for fun? Will he remember all the crazy stuff we can see in this city? Will he know how much fun I had showing it to him?

Why can't we watch Napoleon Dynamite every day? I love that movie!! Are you gonna eat your tots?

How come I'm writing these silly questions when there are a zillion other deep thoughts I could be sharing?

Why can't every day be Monday?

Why do I let people who have done enough to hurt me, and yet somehow still feel entitled to treat me as he, I mean they, please continue to hurt me? I think I'm finished with that.

What are we havin' for Thanksgiving? Pecan pie, I hope. I'd really love some pecan pie right now.

Why don't I spend more time being silly? I haven't been nearly silly enough. There goes that perfectionism again...

Who knows...

And I thought I had all the answers... Turns out I mostly just have questions.

Baby CALEB!!!

Here's our baby, Caleb!


His face in 4-D.






Here, he's waving hello to his big brother Levi and his big sister, Mackenzie. They had so much fun seeing him on the screen. You can see the side of his head and his profile, but the hand is kind of covering his mouth.



Sorry for the funny way they look, had to scan the hard copies in, but I wanted to get them up here to celebrate! He's growing so well, his heart looks good, kidneys, brain, everything!!! YAY! He does happen to be breech right now, but that can and hopefully will change before time to make his appearance. Any prayers anyone wants to say to that effect will be welcome. Sorry to brag and run, but just had to show my little joy. More later!!

Jus' Fer FUN!!

This is my Halloween Costume. Mrs. Conception!!!

Motherhood Moment

It's been a few days. We've had some sickness at home, but all are on the mend now.

In other news... and this is big....

MACKENZIE MADE HONOR ROLL!!!!!!!!!!!

YESSSSSS!!!!

I cannot tell you how excited I am about this accomplishment. Mackenzie has always worked for B's and C's. She's moved around so much, and been through so many challenges. I knew this school, Faith Lutheran, would be a financial challenge, but I really felt she needed this. I wish I could describe the look on her face. This is her first time on honor roll. She's always been close but missed it. And now... SHE DID IT!!! I'm so happy for her. This is a result of her very hard work, teamed with a teacher who has time to notice Mackenzie, and with a learning environment that is perfect for her. I'm SO pleased. There were some naysayers on this school decision. Well, actually only one. Right now, I'm just so glad I stuck to my guns.

Most days I wonder if I'm ruining my kids. So much has happened out of my control, and I'm not perfect by any stretch of imagination. Since my girl was born, not a day has gone by that I haven't thought of her, planned for her, worried about her, hoped for her, and loved her more than life itself. And this... to see the look on her face, hear the happy tone of her voice, to get to tell her: "YOU DID IT, GIRL!" This was one of those moments that makes motherhood a miracle.

Hope

Hope. My little sister's middle name. A word I use every day. Something every good Christian girl should never let go of. Hope.


Let's face it. Hope sometimes looks as tattered as Francis Scott Key's Star Spangled Banner must have looked as he gazed on a battle worn flag, torn up but still flying. Those shreds inspired an anthem that we still hold as our country's theme. Hope need not be beautiful or completely intact to still be present in one's life.

Reminds me of something my Granny used to say. She was never one to give up hope, never even one to complain. On her worst days, when asked how she was feeling, she'd say: "I'm kickin' but not high, floppin' but cain't fly." Said in her soft southern accent, sweet as honey, those words often come to my mind when I don't want to keep going.

Over the last few years of my life, I've endured some things I never anticipated. Spent a few semesters in the "school of hard knocks" you might say. I gotta admit, I emerged with my hope torn to shreds. This summer, I spent most days tired of hoping, tired of the "keep on keepin on" thing. Tired of it all, and wondering what in the world it's all for, anyway. That's when I started getting ready for the retreat I was supposed to do about.... of all things... hope.

I was driving around this summer, actually in the car with a person who was making my irritability and fatigue a bit more unbearable, if you know what I mean. I looked up ahead at an elementary school sign. It read: "I can have hope anytime I want." And that, my friends, was the kick-off for my journey into the idea of hope. What is it? How can I keep it alive? What do I do when I'm tired of trying?

In this, of all cities, the words "I can have hope anytime I want" carry a deep meaning. They did in my heart, as well. When I started to dig, to search, to look deeper into hope, here's what I found, in a nutshell:

Hope has absolutely nothing to do with my situation. Nothing to do with my personal happiness or satisfaction. The only things God asks me to hope in are Him, His Word, His unfailing love, my redemption, and my eternal life in heaven. That's it, baby. Nothing on the list about a happy life, health, plenty of money, or people who treat me decently. Wow. Several of the things I hope for right there, and none of them guaranteed to be on God's list of stuff for me. This took some time for me to accept, especially considering that most of my life, I've been trained that when I do good for God, He will do good for me.

Of course He will. Actually, He already has. He's loved me unfailingly, given me His word, His redemption, a home in heaven, and Himself. Here's what I found out: Most of the things I hope for are very temporal in nature. Nothing wrong with that, necessarily. I had just missed altogether the unshakeable hope that is mine in God. Sure, I'll be glad if I'm healthy, glad if our baby is perfect, glad if I ever can exist without financial worries, glad if my children continue to be healthy and happy. But if none of that ever happens, I still have hope, because I've been given things to hope in that are completely unaffected by fickle circumstances.

I found it interesting how much time I spent hoping for things that may or may not happen, instead of hoping in the wonderful things that are mine because of Jesus. So my hope flag still flies. It may be ripped in some places and may have a bullet hole or two, but it flies and always will. It's actually flying a little more proudly now that I've begun to really examine WHAT I'm hoping in and WHO gives me that hope.

It's MONDAY! YESSSS!!!

I have not enjoyed Monday to its full and wonderful capacity in quite a while. Being preoccupied with such things as morning sickness, how in the world am I going to pay school tuition, and blood thinner injections, plus more stuff that I needn't go into right this minute, has kept me from throwing myself into Monday the way I am accustomed to doing. I've been slugging by not really throwing myself into anything except the bed... and then the heartburn kicks in and I regret even that action.

But today... for some reason, my body just did it. My brain just finally had enough, I guess, and said GIMME A MONDAY!!! And so my body kicked in gear and we did it! Made the bed. Did some laundry. Got the kids to school on time with a healthy breakfast in the tummies AND lunch in their hands. Made some soccer team negotiations for my daughter. Weasled a much-procrastinated-about and stressed-out-over brake tag for my husbands car out of a guy. Carved a pumpkin. Paid some bills. Eating some lunch and catching up on my blogging, AND I know what we're having for dinner tonight. It was nice to tell my sweetie to put up his feet when he gets home because I have dinner handled.

Kickin' butt and takin' names! That's what Monday is all about!!

Seriously, perhaps it is the combination of several events of late, some serious examination of the hope I have in God, an unwelcome nonetheless exciting fresh start that has happened in my life... Last evening marked a special kick off of sorts which I may or may not write about later. For now, my thought is that maybe that little re-start has sort of set things to right in my brain and my body.

It also helps to be past morning sickness, to have adjusted to giving my own injections, and to know that my baby is healthy inside me.

Plus the smell of cinnamon in the air and the fact that it is, indeed, October. Who knows....

But Monday is here and I'm enjoying every manic minute of it!!!

Some good stuff

Had a fabulous weekend with Glendale Presbyterian Church!! LOVE THOSE PEOPLE!!!! They are beyond incredible. The food, the friendships, the fun, the food!!! It's like going home. Thanks, GPC!

We talked a lot about hope. Many more thoughts to come on that subject. For now, this is a quick check in to say I'm still alive and home and to give you a list of some things I appreciate immensely:


MY HUSBAND!!! He is KILLER!

My CHILDREN!!! They are the two, wait three counting my stepson, no make that four... can't forget baby Caleb... oh yeah and my step daughter in law rocks also, can't leave her out... So they are the five most wonderful people on the planet. I love them. Today I'd like to especially brag on Mackenzie and Levi because they have been through stuff no kid should have to face and they still meet every day with a smile and a heart full of love. They are my heroes!

Oatmeal Creme Pies. With an entire quart of very cold skim milk. Yes, all by myself.

And God. He totally CAN, even when I can't. I need that.

A Day in the Life

I'm getting ready for a conference about hope. I've been doing some of the most challenging thinking I've ever done about that subject. At risk of giving away the goods, I'll save the rest for post-conference. However, just for fun, anyone who'd like to respond and tell me what hope means to you, I'd be pleased as punch. Just comment, and if you don't wish me to publish your words, say so.

That done, I've been thinking that I haven't said a whole lot on my blog about my work. I've meant to a thousand times because I really love my work, and find daily something challenging and enriching about it. I often think, "I gotta blog about this." and then life takes over and the moment of profundity gets swept away. I hate that.

I work in a business that can "take a lot out of you" if you do your job well. Assisted Living is a beautiful concept. Every day I come to work and bring joy to someone's life. Every day, I help someone, encourage someone, bring someone something they need. Practically, my job as activities coordinator means that I also provide entertainment, challenge (mental and physical) and general times of enjoyment. "Chancellor of Fun" I like to think. I suppose I could go to work each day and mechanically do the steps of my job. I may even accomplish nearly the same results. However, I just can't keep from involving my heart. There are 63 residents at the assisted living home where I work. Sixty three people to love, care for, entertain, serve, be concerned about, and generally allow into my business. Part of my job means sharing my life with them, and getting involved in theirs.

Right now for me, this means at least ten conversations a day about the size and general shape of my belly, how my children are doing in school, how much salt I ate today, and whether or not I'm getting enough rest. Not to mention at least ten more conversations about my marriage, since my husband also works here as the chef. When am I going to fatten him up? Is he working tomorrow and if so will he make me scones for breakfast?

Doing my job well means being available to hug somebody when I'd rather not be touched. It means listening to a story I've heard no less than fifty times before, but listening like it's the first time. It means showing respect to an elder who may sometimes act like a child. It means lending dignity to undignified aging processes. It means letting myself really love a lot of other people, whether or not they love me in return. All heavy and emotionally complicated situations.

Not that the job is without reward. The rewards are also rich and abundant. For one thing, our baby will be born to a houseful of ma maws and pa pas who have been eagerly expecting him. My children already get covered with hugs and giggles when they are here. Plus, smiles look so beautiful on wrinkled faces...especially knowing I helped put them there. Laughter is abundant and wisdom oozes from every nook and cranny. Reminders of what is truly important in life are everywhere, every day.

What strikes me over and over again is that I only took a job in assisted living because I had been left alone with my children and was about to starve. I never expected to get something absolutely perfect for me. SOmething I would enjoy every moment of.

Not every moment is easy, but every one is worth it. So hopefully for a while I'll be blogging on the every day stuff, the every day gorgeousness that is my life. The beautiful, challenging, and noteworthy moments that I've too often let pass me by.

Consolation

In the middle of life's whirlwind of late, and all the stress, hormones, tears, worries, and emotions that are part of this pregnancy, I have a consolation.

Psalm 139 says "You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made."

Know what I was thinkin? That means God Himself, the same One who made the mountains is actually, physically, with His own hands, piecing someone together inside my physical body right now.

There are no words to tell you how much I needed that knowledge. Sometimes in life's complications... you know, the ones that don't fit inside the guidelines of what I dreamed for myself and my life, it's hard to know that God is there. It's hard not to be seriously in doubt. It's interesting in the midst of some of my most spiritually barren times, God has chosen to actually physically touch me. Perhaps I have no feelings that prove His work in my life, but I see the physical evidence of it literally swelling inside me.

Now that I consider it, all three of my pregnancies have come at spiritually difficult times. How well He knows me... If my heart refuses to or simply hasn't the strength to hear, He just takes over my body.

This knowledge is precious to me. Too wonderful to express.

Nothin' Pretty

Hold onto your hat. This ain't nothin pretty.

Life's been... well, a little on the overwhelming side lately. Frankly, I'm fighting cynicism and outright irritability like you wouldn't believe.

I got into a confrontation with my ex husband and his new wife. Ewww... It was miserable for a thousand reasons. I wasn't nice. Didn't feel like being nice and didn't care that I didn't feel like being nice. Still don't. I was surprised at the fury that is in me. Mama Bear had her claws out if you know what I mean. Divorce of any kind is disgusting, and mine is/was among the most gross of situations. I still experience nausea when considering what happened to my kids and me. Most people who know about it do.

It's strange because I have a beautiful life, a gorgeous new husband, and my kids have a new big brother and are about to get a new baby brother or sister. They're doing great in school, happy in our church, growing every day. We're happy. I hate how past wounds sometimes show themselves and seem to be as infected as if they just happened. Sometimes I feel like I'll be injured forever over this. Some people say that a broken bone still aches years and years later in bad weather or something. Seems like emotional wounds are much the same way, still flaring up so to speak at one time or another.

Had a great visit with my family this weekend, and got some much needed TLC from them. My sister's church showed the movie "Fireproof" and the pastor preached his beginning sermon of a study they are doing based on the Love Dare. (For those of you not in the mainstream church, it's a marriage enrichment thing.) The pastor used the passage I Corinthians 13, of course, since he was talking about love. Now, I was doing no small amount of teeth gritting having already sat through the scripted "Isn't it GREAT to be in the house of the Lord today?" and "Lord, bless us and be with us." and the misuse of Malachi 3:10, and the pastor's cheesy pasted-on grin. Bleah. I missed my church and the realness that is there. Thank God my pastors have the guts to frown if they're sad or tell me if they're mad. Or at least not to take glamour shots of themselves. I love you, Jim and Greg... Crocs and ALL!!!

Anyway, I was gritting my teeth, and fighting the nasty, cynical thoughts that raced through my mind as he read the familiar "Love is patient, love is kind, love believes the best, love endures all things..." I thought to myself: "How can that be? I tried so hard to "believe the best" to give another person the benefit of every doubt. I trusted again and again and still I was lied to, humiliated, decieved, and ultimately abandoned. What's the point? And how will my new marriage have any hope if this kind of crap is going on in my mind? Why did God let this happen to me?" But then... to my shock, pasty-grin man had something smart to say. He said everywhere you see the word love, you can insert the name Jesus. Jesus is patient, Jesus is kind, Jesus believes the best, Jesus never fails. This immediately passed my theological who-ha filter, since I know the scripture says God IS love. And so we can safely substitue His name there.

I began to think. Perhaps this passage, while it certainly is the standard we should strive for, has been under the wrong focus for me. The failure of other people to love me, or me to love them isn't what I Cor. 13 is all about. It's about Jesus and how He behaves toward humans, including me. Perhaps it isn't saying: "This is how you love. Now TRY HARDER!" Perhaps it's more like: "This is how God loves you. So, having been loved like this, you can deal with the failure of other people to love you and your failure to love them." Hmmm... So maybe it's more like God saying "So what if he lied to you and utterly failed you. I love you and will never fail you and never lie to you."

I don't know why God let me marry a man who would hurt me in such a way. I was trying with all my might at the time to do what I thought God wanted me to do. I don't know why He let me get ripped apart like that. I do know that the stark contrast between the way I was loved in my first marriage and the way God loves me practically screams to me. I have to wonder if I would have ever glimpsed the magnitude of the strength of God's love if I hadn't experienced the failure of human love.

Mere guesses at a question that will probably never be answered and really doesn't make sense anyway...

In all my frustrated cynicism, my irritability, meanness, and sorrow.... in all my happy moments, my blissful passion with my new husband and my joy at the smiles of my children... In ALL those moments I'm loved. Hmmm....

Maybe this was somethin pretty after all.

People, Pigs, and Psalms

Kids are doing great in school. I promise to post a pic soon, they look so fresh and sweet in their little uniforms with their backpacks and lunchboxes. Too cute!

We have an ultrasound today. I'm getting spoiled with all these glimpses of our little one. Hopefully all will be well. Tomorrow makes one week on heparin shots three times each day. I know it sounds funny, but I'm so proud! I was once a queasy girl with quite a weak stomach. I never imagined I'd be able to draw up a syringe and shoot myself in the belly, but I do it three times every day! Takin' it like a woman!! It's amazing what one is capable of when one has to be. Not that I'm always brave...I'm trying not to be a wimp about the whole thing, but I will admit to you that the bruises all over my tummy and the idea of sticking a needle in there one more time sometimes makes me want to cry. Don't tell anybody, ok?

I think it's mostly the fact that I read too much. Sometimes knowledge is power and sometimes knowledge is utterly detrimental! For example, when I got pregnant I read that pulmonary embolism is the leading cause of death in pregnancy. Just the thing for which I am most at risk!! Yikes! I also read that heparin is made from the intestinal mucosa of pigs. Disgusting. Imagine my thoughts as I squirt that through the needle into my tummy three times each day. Perhaps that explains the bacon craving... :)

Isn't it strange, though, how an experience can be much more daunting if you know what's going on? Sometimes it's nice to be blissfully unaware. Makes me think of my children, and intensely hope that they have no idea the severity of what they have endured over the last 3 years. Makes me think of my parents and be grateful for what they shielded me from. Makes me think of God, and wonder how many valleys I've been in contained the shadow of death, I just didn't know.

That brings me to an interesting thought. "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will FEAR NO EVIL, for thou art with me." How striking that the evil is present, even dominant it seems in that valley of the shadow, yet it is not to be feared. Doesn't say it isn't to be seen or heard or known, just not feared. So whether I see and know the danger I'm in, or whether I have no clue about the peril around me, I have no need to fear because He is with me. Not an easy thought to absorb, but one I needed today.

Juggling

Today is Mackenzie and Levi's first day of school! I'm so excited for them. They are going to Faith Lutheran School, which I just adore. It's a loving place where they will hear truth and I'm so happy to have found it. They've been through so much, I just couldn't bear for them to be lost in a crowd. Faith is, I hope, a kind of loving little cocoon for them. I know I can't always keep them in a cocoon. I've had to face the harsh reality that there are many things I can't protect them from, but this one thing I can do, so I'm doing it. The sacrifice is well worth it.

Life is bringing it's share of stress to me. I need some medicine I can't afford. Hopefully a good solution has come along, a less expensive medicine that involves a little more risk, but will be better than nothing. I'll find out today about that. It's scary feeling like a time bomb, like a clot could come along any time and that could be it for me. It also has a way of keeping me on my toes so to speak. Thinking about serious things like that makes me want to be sure that my husband knows how much I love him, my kids know how great they are, and so on.

That brings me to another topic. Stepfamilies are hard things to build! Not at all like having years on your own before children are born. We had a month or so on our own and then two kids joined us, with their own habits and personalities to add to the mix. Add to that a new, risky pregnancy surprise and we end up with an "us" that's easy to lose among all the "dailies." I'm finding that even though I already knew that marriage takes work and effort, never just "falling into place" on its own, a second marriage with step family is even more of a fragile existence. It takes even more effort, more attention, more purposeful love than I ever imagined. I mean, going on a date with a person is one thing. Living with that person all the time, while trying to parent children that haven't always been a part of this particular household, plus work, plus groceries and errands and a new baby and doctor visits and shots and juggling bills and viruses that go around the house and feeding the dog and keeping up the laundry... well that's a whole other thing entirely!! Life tends to take over!! One has to be vigilant if she wants her relationship to be alive and healthy and fun and vibrant. It ain't for the faint of heart, I tell ya!

Ah well... Faint of Heart is something I cannot afford to be, and when I truly think about it, don't need to be if I trust God like I say I do...

Wanna See My Uterus?

Well, mostly my uterus. But the important part is that little peanut in there. That's our baby! And the pink in the middle is the heartbeat. I had to show this one because the doppler image on the screen came out looking so much like an actual heart shape. Too cool, we thought. Dwayne got to see this one with me which was awesome since it's been 21 years since his son was born. Having a baby is a whole new ball game now, so it kind of feels like a first.




This week we had a little scare. Just a few days after I published our news, I had some spotting. Frightening indeed. I found that even though I just accepted this news, I certainly wasn't ready for this adventure to end that abruptly. I held my breath through another ultrasound until I saw that little heartbeat again, going as strong as ever. Thanks be to God.

I want my faith to be such that I can accept whatever is brought my way, be it blessing or loss. God's goodness certainly doesn't come and go with my circumstances. A hard place to be, however, when you anticipate a painful loss. I mean what do you say? Personally I've reached a point with God that I don't bother with platitudes. He already knows it all. So I get right to the point and tell Him what I want. Then I pray to be ready if what I want isn't what He has for me. "Thy will be done" is easy to say, not so easy to mean. For example, I came right out with "Please don't let this baby die. Please don't let me see an ultrasound with no heartbeat." I found it an interesting challenge of my faith over the last few days, to be in a place of knowing God may or may not take this child, and trying hard to keep myself honest, eventually having to admit that Him taking this baby was NOT ok with me. I guess we are all in that place always, whether we feel it or not. Loss comes often without warning, without giving us opportunity to pray for what we want to see happen. Believing that God is omnipotent places me at His mercy at all times. He can give or take away at any moment. I suppose He sometimes brings along moments like the ones I had this week to enable us to interact with Him. Little wake up calls, so to speak, or moments when He takes our faces in His hands and forces us to look at the condition of our belief in Him.

I'm grateful that my scary little blessing is alive and well in there, turning flips and growing into someone wonderful. And I'm grateful for the opportunity to walk with God, be it a smooth or rough road. What is abundantly clear to me right now is that He is way more capable of holding me than I am of holding onto Him.

Scary Blessings

Last Friday, I fell in love again. This time with a baby.


The one that happens to be inside me right now.



Big news, I know. I’ve spent the last 10 days in utter shock and intermittent panic. I’m only 6 weeks and a few days along, and I know that’s pretty early to be blabbing such news. However, I figure I have shared almost every challenge in my life over the last few years on this blog, and truthfully when I don’t write about what I’m dealing with, I always regret it. I’m a writer at heart and I’m going to have to accept that. So regardless of what happens I might as well catalog this adventure here.

Anyway, as I mentioned, since discovering my pregnancy, I’ve been in shock, panic, fear, and a little bit of sadness I must admit. Dwayne and I have both shed our share of tears. This wasn’t something we were planning for. As a matter of fact we were planning AGAINST this. Because of the embolisms I had in 2007, pregnancy is a scary thing for me. So after two home tests and one doctor visit confirmed my fear, I ended up at a Perinatologist’s office on Friday, braced for the bad news about what this pregnancy might entail for me. I was still kind of hoping she’d somehow say “I don’t know what test you took, or what doctor you saw…you aren’t pregnant.” But she didn’t say that. The doctor plopped me up on a table and started squirting ultrasound stuff on my belly. She started poking around and I had a moment of more panic. Part of me hoped she found nothing, and part of me desperately hoped she found everything ok. Then I saw it. My baby’s heart beating away on the ultrasound screen… and there I went. That was all it took.

After that, two daily injections of blood thinner throughout the pregnancy weren’t quite so scary anymore, and the idea of an induced controlled labor wasn’t so horrifying. The swirling questions like “What if I get another clot? Or What if I bleed to death? And How will we afford this?” gave way to “Will it be a boy or a girl? And Will she be healthy? And Am I really going to get to meet the person produced by me and Dwayne?”

Scary blessings. That’s something God is into with me. Dwayne and I were laughing with Jim on Sunday after we told him, about how I’d been blogging lately about how my life is settling down….

Settling, schmettling. It’s evidently not in the plan for me. So… deep breath… I’ve trusted God for big things before, and this will be no exception. Me, my love, my kids, and the little heartbeat inside me will all be trusting Him for this one.