Tears and Tissues

Well... it's been a while. Been busy here lately. Plus, I got a cold that set me back a little. I'm on the mend, though.

Kids are starting school. And it's nice to get into the routine again, though I'm sad to say goodbye to a laid-back summer.

Blah blah blah...


Here's the truth:

I'm exhausted. And lonely. There is a huge matter on my mind and it's driving me crazy. I have no idea what to do, and I'm tired of thinking about it. I feel like everything's changing around me and everything in my life is up for grabs, and darnit, NOBODY is asking me what I want. (I wouldn't know what I wanted if they asked, but still...) Sometimes I'm sick of doing the right thing. Sometimes I'm sick of sucking it up and being the responsible one.

I'm sick of brokenness, sick of loose ends, sick of questions. I'm sick of grieving, sick of keeping it together, sick of discovering new layers of loss.

I'm sick of change, sick of trying, sick of dreaming dreams I'm afraid I have to let go of. I'm sick of trying to be who I thought I was supposed to be while wondering if that's really who I am at all. Maybe I was mistaken.

Know what else? I'm sick of tears that won't dry up, sick of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and sick of feeling guilty. And now....

I'm sick of telling you what I'm sick of. And I'm sure you're sick of reading all this sickness...

Here we are on the verge of another Monday (my favorite weekday) and I'm Miss Doom-and-Gloom. Anyone smarter than me might choose to keep this to herself. However, this is the edge, and this is real. And for me, and all the other women out there who get up every day and keep going even when they can't, this is just what it's like sometimes. Might as well be honest about it.

Tonight it's tears and tissues for me. And there's no two ways about it.