Last night I took myself for a walk. Normally, I'm not that into exercise, but the truth is, it's a great outlet for pent up energy and emotion. So I walked up on the levee and along the river for a while.
God totally treated His girl to a gorgeous sunset. I found an awesome spot, and since the river is so high right now, the water is coming up under the trees. Looks like you could just put in a boat, push off and float a while. Of course, you can't because on the other side of the trees there is plenty of industrial shipping going on. But at that one spot I could imagine the river wasn't totally taken over by progress. So I sat there and let the darkness fall. Just me, God, and the changing of the light.
I walked home in the dark, and was surprised that I wasn't afraid at all, and had mostly stopped balking at the idea of going on that walk alone. I have never had this much time alone with myself. Ever. It's hard! I'm my own worst critic, and often not very nice to myself. Me and myself are having to learn to get along. But good news, I think we're getting there. We have a lot in common :) It's hard to get rejected and not feel like there's something inherently screwed up about yourself. It's hard not to take the "what's wrong with me?" train of thought. But I think I'm ready to give that ticket away.
I was reading and came across the words "Nothing missing. Nothing broken." They were written in reference to who we are because of God's grace and mercy. If I look past all the missing and broken pieces of my life, I can see that my reality as a child of God is that nothing is missing, nothing broken. He has it all. Therefore, it is ok to give a genuine smile to the mirror and learn to have a good time with myself.
And so I begin a fresh, new day. With nothing missing.
Nothing broken.
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3 comments:
That's the real beauty of grace, isn't it? That He can see us as whole and beautiful, even when we are absolutely incapable of being so - whether through our own fault or someone else's.
Heh. Changing of the light. You're right. I think a piece of me has been missing. I'm glad you found it up there with you.....we need to see each other soon and trade back our pieces.
I was over at my friend's house last night, and she was showing me her new Wii. I don't know if you've seen this, but in her little group of computerized people/friends there, she created her own alter ego. This character is the total opposite of her and even has a similar name. She told me that that's the part of her that eats too much and talks about people and does mean things. I think it's an interesting concept to casually blend the good and the bad together like that.
And, well, you know that's just the way life works. That's the way grace works. Grace bridges the divide and makes us whole. I like that. :)
Sounds like a lovely time. I have such a strong belief that you will rise from this, and are rising from this, with great strength. You are handling it well...I know it may not seem like it...but you are. And God is continuing His incredible work in and through you.
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